Had the final of the four Parenting Workshops by Dr Bob Jacobs today - it was great as usual, and I guess I'm sorry that they have ended - but at least I will now have more time on a Tuesday morning.. hopefully for a week or so before my second child arrives...
I can't believe how much I have enjoyed the workshops... just being able to put my 'intellectual' and 'thinking' hats on again has been quite a refreshing change.
Happy that I quite agreed with everything that was discussed today.. Discussion focussed on the importance to develop children with healthy self-esteem - and this can be achieved by giving children a positive message of love for being just who they are, regardless of what they do. Therefore being careful not to send an opposite message if a child is misbehaving or doing something 'displeasing'. I realise that sometimes these messages of 'love' and 'praise' and generally how a child develops their 'self-worth' can be very subtle - and it can be easy for a child to internalise a 'wrong' message!
Our society seems to be very 'achievement' based and 'product' based. Often parents and the structure of school reinforces this - and it is not perhaps the healthiest thing! My husband and I often have a problem with this in our 30's - not able to just be ourselves, unsatisfied if we aren't 'achieving' something significant...
I grew up to have quite a 'perfectionist' problem - due simply to the fact that I was a very intelligent and capable young child - and my parents praised me, and I was recognised as a 'high-achiever' at school... All great things, but amazing how trying to live up to 'perfect' expectations that one creates in their own mind can prove to create tremendous difficulties!
I think that is why so many parents can struggle with their new role: Because they are trying to live up to the ideal expectations that they have inside their own heads... If baby is crying, mum and dad think they must be doing something wrong! What new mum doesn't want to be the 'prefect mum' for their children!??? But as Dr Bob Jacobs says: "accept that what is, is perfect".
We spoke about CONTROL - and how often parents think they need to 'assert control'. Whereas, perhaps 'control' could look quite different from what we imagine it to be... Perhaps as parents we choose to exercise control of any given situation by choosing to show our love to our children, and not getting angry or losing our temper... Remember: no-one else defines your behaviour but you! - and even though we would like to have 'control' over our children, it is really impossible to control their behaviour...
This is something that I definately struggled with as a teacher. I had quite a fear of being a teacher who didn't have 'control' over her classroom and students - and hence would look 'bad' to my other professional peers! I also wanted to somehow 'control' the situation so that every child was always producing their best possible work for themselves!! - Quite an impossible task I realise!!! - Especially with 25 teenagers in a class...
DISCIPLINE. Yep - all the stuff I know about there: essentially 'discipline' is just a form of education, and try to avoid having too many rules just for the sake of it. Use collaboration in the decision of what rules to have - involve the children in making them, and understanding them and have them apply to everyone in the family!
EDUCATION. Urgghhh. My bug-bear topic of discussion! One interesting comment made by Dr Bob was that often the only time children resist learning is when they are in school!!! I totally agree! I think our education system often has a heck of a lot to answer for... As a teacher myself, I have found the system to be verrry restrictive and almost impossible to really fulfil the needs of the students... I am an idealistic teacher, and for now I am happy to not be a part of a school system.. as it can make my blood boil!
There are fabulous teachers and schools out there - I hope I can find the right ones for my children when they are of school age.. And I always have my fingers crossed that more positive changes will be made to improve education in general. Halving class sizes, doubling the amount of teachers - and lightening up a bit of the 'red-tape' pressures and demands that are constantly put on them would be a great step in the right direction!
That's all for now... I just feel happy that I am a parent to my wonderful daughter, and that I have great skills and resources to try and be the best parent that I can be!
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