More thinking...

I don't quite know why... but I THINK a heck of a lot...

I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing... perhaps a bit of both.

Right now I am reading the book: "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown - which is engaging me a lot. It is about changing your mindset to live a life that eliminates the unneccessary, and focuses on the few necessary items for a sense of personal wellbeing and happiness.

Definitely good stuff in there. A lot of it sounding like the sort of thinking that I already do... and I am hoping to find some 'major signposts' that make me go 'Aha!' so that I can find a way to 'simplify' my life and make the 'best possible choices' for my own directions... but I'm already thinking that the answers won't be obviously there. The answers are inside of me... I just have to get them out somehow...

Recently I wrote a detailed plan of my business goals for now and 2015. When I read them to Ben his first reaction was: 'That sounds like too much"... and combined with now reading this book, I am wanting to re-evaluate... see if I can figure out how to simplify things...

Mary Oliver once wrote: "Tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - so throwing the list and logic aside, let me see if I can answer it....

Right now I am pretty darn happy. I love the location that I live in, I love my home and my family. I want my life to be about being a great mum and sharing fabulous moments with my children - helping them to learn and grow and be the best they can be. Creativity is a huge part of my own life and passions. I love my art studio, and getting to work teaching children art. I want more and more time to spend doing art and being creative.. and I want to somehow earn a justifiable living through my work too.... Already I'm rambling... justifying... looking for problems and solutions that perhaps aren't there?

What do I want to do with my life??

I want to live my life and ENJOY it. I want to be creative, happy, engaged... and at other times still. Being a mum is fabulous. Love and my family, and everyday joys and experiences mean everything. I want to fill my lifetime and my children's with happy memories: of the REAL stuff. Making things, building things, being outdoors, being in nature, exploring life, etc. I want to travel the world a little - to be the one to show my children different cities, cultures, historic buildings, and more of the fabulous things on this planet.
I want to be good to others. I want to live my life with some meaning, and making a positive difference in some way. Art and design, and perhaps  writing and teaching are my calling... I want to create art that shares my values, my feelings, my sensibilities and passions.
I don't want to have a 'name' in the art and design world just for the sake of having a name. I want to follow my own creative passions and inspire others to as well. I don't want to focus too much on the commercial side of the creative world... but I want to earn a good income and prove that you can earn money doing what you love.
I want to reach the end of my life, knowing that I tried hard. That I took risks, I learned, I shared what I knew and loved with others... I failed and I succeeded. I don't ever want to 'give up' or 'give in' or just become a person that doesn't care too much about anything other than my own little world and interests.
Family, nature, art, and the simple things in life are what matter to me most.

Yep. That's it. Love what I have just written... But HOW is the best way to do that?? How does that translate to my goals and priorities for now??

I think my 2015 ALC focus should be:
* developing online-course content...
* producing art packs and kits to accompany the courses.
* adjust the focus of the website, and focus more on the BLOG and building a more popular following and audience via that.. (but keep it all SIMPLE rather than complicated!)
* the 'deluxe-box' can be a collaboration with Ben... and ideally may be ready to launch in good timing for Christmas... but is not on it's own a #1 focus of the business... just a top-end product.

Taking a breather and resetting my brain (I think?)

I'm doing quite well lately, I've been on my new anti-depressant tablets about a month now - and there really is a big noticeable difference (was I really rather crazy before!??)

Anyway, I am feeling good - much less emotional and mood-swing proned. Still get much more tired than I would like... so I wonder if the fatigue is the #1 problem (which is why I went to the Dr in the first place) - and that the depression was simply a side effect of the fatigue, and still the first issue hasn't been addressed? - not too sure yet...

I'm trying to change my habits (as I have been trying unsuccessfully for the past year or so!) - and perhaps I am getting there now! - Just trying to do less, trying not to say "Yes" to too many things and jump in too quickly... even saying a "no" to a few things that I have already said yes to when I realise that there is still too much on my plate.

I've been reading quite a few new books lately: 'The Element' by Ken Robinson, 'Share your Work', 'The War of Art'. All very good.

I am trying to figure out if I really have found "My Element" - or if I am close but sidelined a bit, and letting "resistence" stop me from going for what I really want?? A bit confusing...

All I know is that I LOVE so much about all that I have achieved and am achieving with my business A Little Creative. The concern is whether I 'should' be doing more of my own art... and if so what exactly??

The picture-story books idea and plans have been on the agenda for quite some time now: but I can't manage to knuckle down and commit to it. Is that resistance? Or is just not a #1 priority for me at the moment? The biggest problem I have is that I am so time-poor. I always have too many ideas and not enough time. It is hard enough to find the time to THINK about things properly...

I think I am on track. I am just giving myself a 'breather' - time to chill, time to explore... and time to practise not jumping in to anything too quickly.

I AM doing lots more art, and I love it. Never enough time to do it all - which is a good sign that I am on the right track I guess.

I've got an eco-fashion design event coming up next month... kind of wishing I hadn't put my hand up for it - as there's always a lot involved... but trying to spin it to completely suit my own interests...

Should be fun. Tilly will love it I reckon.

As for my own art.. I'm enjoying doing watercolour painting... I think painting and collage may be my #1 passions at the moment...

I have a little bit of time whilst Ben has taken the kids to the movies... so I will try to do some now!

xo

I just need S-P-A-C-E.... (I guess?)

It's Wednesday again... the first day of the week for me without Curtis - as we went away for a long weekend, and only came home yesterday... So my one and only "work" day is started with a LONG list of to-do's, plus a larger load of washing and unpacking stuff from the holidays... I even made things more complicated for myself by allowing Tilly to stay home from school an extra day!

I really enjoyed getting away for a few days (we went to Maryborough and Harvey Bay) - but it wasn't long enough. I wanted to stay away... I didn't want to come back... I didn't want to step back into my real life and have to face things again... I wanted to hide... Just stay away and have fun on holiday: yep, that sounds like a good idea!

So this morning and yesterday since I have come back I have been feeling rather ANXIOUS...

I have written the 'necessary' to-do list.. cleaned up the kitchen, put a load of washing on, made a cup of tea (morale-boosting-liquid), and headed out to my computer with the intention TO DO as quickly as possible what needs to be done on my list... and then hopefully have some 'FREE-TIME' left over to do some fun things with Tilly...

And I just can't get started.. I don't want to... I can't...

So I am writing here instead.

I think I am just completely overloaded, exhuasted and shattered - over what has been a cumulative- effect over the past few years.

When I look back at the past few years and what major things we have done and experienced - it is quite amazing and mind-blowing. There has been a huge amount of stress and exhaustion... not very much 'taking-things easy' - which seems to be something that I don't really know how to do.

Yes it would be great if I had a different personality. If I naturally knew how to keep my life in more balance and order and avoid all the chaos. I hate that I seem to have the same repeat pattern of running really hard (at life and goals) and then burning myself out.

But I can't quite change how I am. And all I know is that right now I want to DO A LOT LESS. I want to LET-GO of so many of my "responsibilities" and "shoulds" (namely all the "shoulds" with my business: A Little Creative) - I just want to be ME. I want life to be simpler, less hectic. I want to have fun with my kids, do a bit of housework and organisation, do a bit of art and play for me...

I just need more physical space and mental space - for as long as I need it. Until I feel better, and able to take more on again...

And there's only one real way to go about that. And that's just deciding to DO IT. Declaring that that's what I need, and LETTING GO of all the extra stuff that I do: handing tasks over to other people, and if others don't do them.. then not caring that they're not getting done for a while.

I am mentally-exhausted, suffering from depression as a result of putting too much pressure on myself. I need to look after myself. I need some time and space to recover. xoxo

Trying...

Okay, so since my last post.. you may be wondering how I am going...?

I'm getting there.
I'm tired. I'm worn out... and when I scroll through all the previous blog-posts it really sounds like the same old tune!

Farrk! It's hard! Life is just SO darn bloody hectic - just being a mum, and not even trying to run a business or do things for myself. Trying to squeeze just a little bit of everything in (work, exercise, my art, all the family demands... a little time for me..) - does really seem quite impossible.

So then I get days like today when I just can't be motivated. I just don't know where to start. I feel tired and teary. I give 'permission' to myself to give myself a bit of space and time to ME... but what should I even do??

So far, I've made a coffee, put a load of washing on, sent a couple of business emails, caught-up with Facebook-life for a few minutes (I am quite over facebook - so it is kind of weird just peering at it for a moment, and seeing pictures and snippets of random people's lives... People that I like, miss, care about - but never see in real-life... and it just kind of adds to the guilt of never having time to write a letter or call...)

So yeah... Here I am. Feeling teary. Feeling tired. (But of course there's no point going and lying down for a nap is there!? - I've just had a coffee!)... There's a long list of work-stuff I could/should do.

For me... I guess I'm best to go for a walk, and try and do a little bit of fun-art for me... the necessity to clean/clear-up my art-space a bit more emerges...

Inactivity. Indecision. Lack of motivations. Feeling teary. All signs of depression...

I went to the counselor on the weekend... I don't really feel like it helped me at all... I don't know if I'll go back again soon... I didn't go to the GP either..

I don't think I have any major 'problems' to solve through talking... I just have to slow-down, and learn to adjust to life at a bit of a different pace.... I'm just so used to running in those two modes: full on, or collapse.

Woe is me :( xo

The rate of flow...

Oh yes, definitely my depression has come back to bite me again :(

I thought I was okay... I had almost forgotten about it throughout the start of the week - as my child-care days were mega-busy... but I busied myself along doing lots of things that I had to, and trying to have a bit of 'fun' and do healthy things for myself along the way...

Then by Friday (today) I awoke feeling quite anxious about all the things that I haven't managed to do this week but wanted to/needed to/intended to (??) - and always there is quite a long list...

Lately I have had quite a problem doing the little, simple, mundane chores - which aren't a big deal on their own... but I just can't manage to motivate myself to do them... (Eg admin and accounts etc. for my business, tidying up some of the messy spots at home, doing those few extra chores which seem to make all the difference between feeling on top of things, or buried beneath it!)

I can launch myself at the BIG things... but I can't manage to cope with the small things...

I was trying to talk to Ben in the minuscule amount of time in the morning that it is possible to 'talk' before he goes to work and when the kids are not hassling me... Sharing how I felt... He reminded me that my lack of focus and ability to make the decisions and do the things that I'm wanting to do are probably symptoms of my depression... and I'm like: "oh yeah, that's right.. I forgot I had depression... I though it was just me..."

So yes, I am struggling a bit. And when I have a bit of time to try to think about it more - or explain it to others all the tears will rapidly overflow.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be asking my family to help me out, and explain why I am not coping so well at the moment. I don't want to hear their sympathy - and their attempts to understand me (which often to my ears can feel as if they don't quite understand me - so then I feel a bit angry and hurt and misunderstood). I don't want them to think that I have a "problem"... because it makes me feel a bit 'retarded' (yes, not at all a 'pc' word - but it is what I think)...

I just want to be 'normal'. (Not a 'normal' person - as I acknowledge that I am quite different from most people! - I am very creative, intelligent, and I think a lot (too much?) about things... and I don't want to change who I am, I just want to feel like the 'normal' me - not the 'me' who feels over tired, overemotional and easily overreacts to things...)

Another problem that I think I have right now is that I am trying to "FIX" myself. I am trying to "think" my way out of it... I am trying to be my own GP and counsellor... and I don't think that quite works... Because when I don't feel too good, then I am blaming myself for not having done a good enough job. For not looking after myself enough, for not balancing things properly, for not knowing all the answers and having the right solution.

I don't want to have depression. I hate it. I know I don't have it so bad that I am a danger to myself, or that even most areas of my life are suffering because of it. I am actually managing pretty darn well. I am coping as well as I could be, and that is pretty good. But I do have it at the moment... Without a doubt.

I have made another appointment with my GP for Monday, and another one with my counselor the following Saturday ( 8 days away)... who knows how I will feel when I see them?.. Who knows if I will be able to convey the reality of how I am at the moment?... Or if they will recognise that I need help, and if they will be able to help me at all? The reality is that I am very up and down at the moment. When I am good, I am great and even I don't realise that I have depression. And in general I am coping extremely well with everything. Most people (outside of the family) wouldn't have a clue - they wouldn't even guess. I am very good at coping. And when you have that brief time in the doctor's office, or with a counselor - obviously you are in a 'coping well' moment at that point in time - because you have managed to get out the door and get yourself to the appointment, you have managed to sit in the waiting room and look like a normal person... Then what? Suddenly, at the appropriate time you have to let the guard down and reveal all the problems and issues that you don't quite understand yourself, that you don't want to have.. that you keep even forgetting about because your brain isn't working properly at the moment... You let the tears spill a little, fully aware that very soon you have to walk out the door again and look like a normal person again and smile at the secretary, and pay your bill (brain needs to be functioning enough to remember your pin number), and get to your car again and drive home and get straight back into all the chores, the children's demands, the things that leave you with no time spare to think or relax...

I don't friggin have time for depression! - I don't want to waste my time going to the doctors and making and meeting different appointments. Sometimes I wonder if I would just be better off giving myself that time to go for a walk, and sit at the beach and watch the waves, to think, to write...

I have experienced depression a heck of a lot in my life... Obviously it is 'different' at various times... but right now: having young kids and everything that is on my plate - it is hard to find the time to squish dealing with it in!!

Ooops I've realised that I've totally forgotten to write about what I initially intended which was an evaluation of my understanding of depression and me (and relates to the the title of this blog!) so here goes:

For me, I feel as though depression is when my bucket is completely full. (I am the bucket in this metaphor) I have reached my capacity (for whatever reason) - and any more 'pressure', 'stress', 'demands' etc. I simply just cannot handle - they spill over the top and tumble down as tears (or anger!). Sometimes (when the bucket is completely full) then there is no escape from the avalanche of tears and sadness - anything at all that gets poured on top can have a devastating reaction (obviously this is when your depression is very bad). At other times, your bucket may be nearly full - but you are still functioning a reasonable amount so that the water in your bucket is going down a little bit... So a lot of things you can handle... and it only overflows every now and then.... Depression comes about when the "rate of flow" out of your bucket is less than the "rate of flow" of what is being poured into it.
Yep - so by relating to my Year 11 maths, I am able to understand this illness a bit!

For now, I have to manage to 'take things easier' and look after myself better with less stress - whilst the water in my bucket naturally seeps away as currently it is too near the top!

Maybe I have to learn some better strategies to somehow increase the rate of flow out of my bucket?? Or maybe I simply just have to accept that too much has been poured into it at this point of time (by others?), and that that's just how it is?

I feel confident that I do know how to look after myself and make myself better. Probably I am just doubting that ability and feeling anxious and doubtful and questioning things simply because I am in the depression mode at the moment - which puts a negative spin on everything, and a lot of self-doubt.

I am 'okay' underneath it all. Time will heal all I think... I am just being impatient perhaps? Or maybe there is something "to do" that can help to "fix" things for the future??

I'll keep you posted no doubt... xo

Tired as usual... but plodding along

It's 11pm as I write this... I had come out to the studio to try and clear up, or do some screen-printing, or scan my sketchbooks... do something useful.. but not too much has happened..

That's okay.

Essentially I am learning to be much kinder to myself, and slow down, be patient etc.

Hard to do, as always so many ideas flowing around in my head!

I am being active with doing more artwork for me.. Enjoying the collages, learning to crochet better, doing sketches, illustrator designs, and anything arty as often as I can.

( I will share some images soon - but need a bit more time to scan stuff and get pics off my phone...)

I still feel as though I am lacking direction a bit... (in regards to my own art!)  - the number one goal that I seem to have in mind is to do some of my picture-book illustrations/designs... yet it is quite difficult for me to find the time for that...

I am still rolling along quite steadily with A Little Creative. - and I am enjoying all that is going on.

Last week I went to my GP as a follow up to some blood-tests, as I have been feeling SO tired and drained lately... I suspected that perhaps my iron levels were down again, but turns out that they are fine and instead the Dr was suggesting it could be depression.

I completely denied it initially - but when I went home and thought about it - I could recognise all the signs quite well - so I immediately felt depressed!!

Anyway, I am seeing our counsellor again very soon, and am aware that I just need to focus on looking after myself more... not going to sleep early probably is the bad habit I need to address!

A bit of depression is quite reasonable considering the stress and pressures that I have had this year - and I am happy that I have recognised the signs early - and will not let it get any worse!

I set myself some creative goals for August:

and I am pleased with my progress so far...

* Better quality paints have been ordered, and arrived (Jo Sonya's) - plus some new brushes for myself, and some rounds canvases to experiment with!

* I have been VERY busy trying to get better organised... and I am still getting there. On Monday I moved my desk from the main studio space into the 'shop' room, and moved a large shelf of shop-stock out. Essentially I am aiming to give myself the WHOLE shop room to be my own private studio space!! - which is very exciting - but will take me a bit of time to get things sorted properly. As classes are ongoing in the studio I am clearing and making that space as functional as possible - and then will endeavour to 'dig' myself out of the mess left over in my own room... Just need more time as usual!

* Picture story books... hmm yeah... I have fund the story drafts, and done a bit more planning of layout... but yet to start any of the REAL illustrative/design work - that will be my goal this weekend!

* Write to my pen-pal... yep, that will happen soon too!

Just feel happy that I am getting 'there'... Not that 'there' is anywhere really!: other than just being in the here and now, and feeling happy. A heck of a lot of mess and clutter I have been needing to sort through (and a few 'problems' here and there), but I feel as though all is definitely headed in the right directions xoxoxo

The avalanche of change??

Oh my...
So, this blog has been revived of late - as I am thinking things through...

Since, making the decision to FOCUS more on my own artwork earlier this year... I have been facing constant new challenges, as essentially my mind is evolving in a completely new direction - and lets's face it... all change is a bit difficult and takes time to get used to.

I have just re-read the pertinent and recent blog-post: 'What is my passion and how do I head to it?" - in which I declared that I WANT TO BE AN ARTIST - and how I planned to head towards that...

But obviously declaring something, is a lot different to doing something about it... and often the DOING is far from straightforward. Already I have had to face the challenge of considering applying for a full-time job in an art-gallery... which definitely appealed to me for various reasons... But for many good reasons I have discarded that as an option for me...

I am realising that to BE an artist will mean making changes and sacrifices...And as I progress gingerly towards that desire/goal/intention - I am being faced with some of the challenges and changes that I have to make.

It is confronting.

As I mentioned in that previous post: I want to slow down and step back from my business A Little Creative. Mentally I already have.."

Yep mentally... But not physically...

Today I felt aggro, irritable, teary.... and I wasn't too sure why. I had just enjoyed a bit of extra "me" time as the kids had a sleep-over at my parents... I took the opportunity to start doing some oil-painting - and I LOVED getting the oil paints out - after them being put away for several years.

After a bit of exploring my angry/upset mood I realise that is caused by the strong desire within me to do more art, and the frustration of not having enough time to focus on it.

I love my family. I love being a mum. My children come first of course. But I realise now what a HUGE conflict my business A Little Creative now is to my new goals.

I do feel a lot of emotional turmoil. As I have created A Little Creative. I was building it up with quite a long-term strategy - and it is growing and developing so well. So many of my dreams and goals were tied up with that business. It is very hard to realise that my dreams and goals have changed, and what I have worked so hard to create is holding me back from moving forward.

Definitely I want to take time-off from my A Little Creative work. I want to give that extra time to myself and my artwork. I want to re-claim the studio for myself so that I have more space to work, and can leave my materials out rather than having to put them away to accommodate classes...

Hmmm... already I am thinking up some compromises here....

I am considering the option of selling the business.

Also of course there is the option of just putting it all on-hold for a while... but the ME that tends to be a bit "all or nothing" in my approach to life, doesn't quite see that I would want to pick it back up again in 4 months, 6 months, 12 months etc... that maybe I am best to just bite the bullet and sell it off now??

Hmmm. yeah, a bit of confusion and turmoil going on.

But ultimately it is all very frigging positive. It means that I am taking my new desires and directions quite seriously, and I just have to sort through the issues as I go along!