I thought I was okay... I had almost forgotten about it throughout the start of the week - as my child-care days were mega-busy... but I busied myself along doing lots of things that I had to, and trying to have a bit of 'fun' and do healthy things for myself along the way...
Then by Friday (today) I awoke feeling quite anxious about all the things that I haven't managed to do this week but wanted to/needed to/intended to (??) - and always there is quite a long list...
Lately I have had quite a problem doing the little, simple, mundane chores - which aren't a big deal on their own... but I just can't manage to motivate myself to do them... (Eg admin and accounts etc. for my business, tidying up some of the messy spots at home, doing those few extra chores which seem to make all the difference between feeling on top of things, or buried beneath it!)
I can launch myself at the BIG things... but I can't manage to cope with the small things...
I was trying to talk to Ben in the minuscule amount of time in the morning that it is possible to 'talk' before he goes to work and when the kids are not hassling me... Sharing how I felt... He reminded me that my lack of focus and ability to make the decisions and do the things that I'm wanting to do are probably symptoms of my depression... and I'm like: "oh yeah, that's right.. I forgot I had depression... I though it was just me..."
So yes, I am struggling a bit. And when I have a bit of time to try to think about it more - or explain it to others all the tears will rapidly overflow.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be asking my family to help me out, and explain why I am not coping so well at the moment. I don't want to hear their sympathy - and their attempts to understand me (which often to my ears can feel as if they don't quite understand me - so then I feel a bit angry and hurt and misunderstood). I don't want them to think that I have a "problem"... because it makes me feel a bit 'retarded' (yes, not at all a 'pc' word - but it is what I think)...
I just want to be 'normal'. (Not a 'normal' person - as I acknowledge that I am quite different from most people! - I am very creative, intelligent, and I think a lot (too much?) about things... and I don't want to change who I am, I just want to feel like the 'normal' me - not the 'me' who feels over tired, overemotional and easily overreacts to things...)
Another problem that I think I have right now is that I am trying to "FIX" myself. I am trying to "think" my way out of it... I am trying to be my own GP and counsellor... and I don't think that quite works... Because when I don't feel too good, then I am blaming myself for not having done a good enough job. For not looking after myself enough, for not balancing things properly, for not knowing all the answers and having the right solution.
I don't want to have depression. I hate it. I know I don't have it so bad that I am a danger to myself, or that even most areas of my life are suffering because of it. I am actually managing pretty darn well. I am coping as well as I could be, and that is pretty good. But I do have it at the moment... Without a doubt.
I have made another appointment with my GP for Monday, and another one with my counselor the following Saturday ( 8 days away)... who knows how I will feel when I see them?.. Who knows if I will be able to convey the reality of how I am at the moment?... Or if they will recognise that I need help, and if they will be able to help me at all? The reality is that I am very up and down at the moment. When I am good, I am great and even I don't realise that I have depression. And in general I am coping extremely well with everything. Most people (outside of the family) wouldn't have a clue - they wouldn't even guess. I am very good at coping. And when you have that brief time in the doctor's office, or with a counselor - obviously you are in a 'coping well' moment at that point in time - because you have managed to get out the door and get yourself to the appointment, you have managed to sit in the waiting room and look like a normal person... Then what? Suddenly, at the appropriate time you have to let the guard down and reveal all the problems and issues that you don't quite understand yourself, that you don't want to have.. that you keep even forgetting about because your brain isn't working properly at the moment... You let the tears spill a little, fully aware that very soon you have to walk out the door again and look like a normal person again and smile at the secretary, and pay your bill (brain needs to be functioning enough to remember your pin number), and get to your car again and drive home and get straight back into all the chores, the children's demands, the things that leave you with no time spare to think or relax...
I don't friggin have time for depression! - I don't want to waste my time going to the doctors and making and meeting different appointments. Sometimes I wonder if I would just be better off giving myself that time to go for a walk, and sit at the beach and watch the waves, to think, to write...
I have experienced depression a heck of a lot in my life... Obviously it is 'different' at various times... but right now: having young kids and everything that is on my plate - it is hard to find the time to squish dealing with it in!!
Ooops I've realised that I've totally forgotten to write about what I initially intended which was an evaluation of my understanding of depression and me (and relates to the the title of this blog!) so here goes:
For me, I feel as though depression is when my bucket is completely full. (I am the bucket in this metaphor) I have reached my capacity (for whatever reason) - and any more 'pressure', 'stress', 'demands' etc. I simply just cannot handle - they spill over the top and tumble down as tears (or anger!). Sometimes (when the bucket is completely full) then there is no escape from the avalanche of tears and sadness - anything at all that gets poured on top can have a devastating reaction (obviously this is when your depression is very bad). At other times, your bucket may be nearly full - but you are still functioning a reasonable amount so that the water in your bucket is going down a little bit... So a lot of things you can handle... and it only overflows every now and then.... Depression comes about when the "rate of flow" out of your bucket is less than the "rate of flow" of what is being poured into it.
Yep - so by relating to my Year 11 maths, I am able to understand this illness a bit!
For now, I have to manage to 'take things easier' and look after myself better with less stress - whilst the water in my bucket naturally seeps away as currently it is too near the top!
Maybe I have to learn some better strategies to somehow increase the rate of flow out of my bucket?? Or maybe I simply just have to accept that too much has been poured into it at this point of time (by others?), and that that's just how it is?
I feel confident that I do know how to look after myself and make myself better. Probably I am just doubting that ability and feeling anxious and doubtful and questioning things simply because I am in the depression mode at the moment - which puts a negative spin on everything, and a lot of self-doubt.
I am 'okay' underneath it all. Time will heal all I think... I am just being impatient perhaps? Or maybe there is something "to do" that can help to "fix" things for the future??
I'll keep you posted no doubt... xo
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