Choices...conflicts...opportunities/distractions you weren't expecting...

Arrrruugghhhghghgh!

I was very pleased with my last post. I felt focused. Happy. And even confident enough to share it with the world which I did via facebook...

And then only hours later (the next day) a bit of a curb-ball came hurtling my way.

As part of my A Little Creative work I teach regularly at the Caloundra Regional Gallery, and indeed I am LOVING teaching in that environment and being involved with the Gallery...

Julie - the staff person whom I deal with there, is actually leaving, and her job-position is being advertised... I was aware of this, and had a little "hmmm that's interesting, I wonder if the job would suit me.." moment.. but after clarifying that the job is full-time, and thinking about how so often Julie seems to be quite rushed off her feet and in and out of constant meetings... I just wiped the idea off and didn't give it any thought.. I assumed, that probably I wasn't even qualified enough...

Then Wednesday when I am setting up for my art-class there Julie mentions the job again and says: "Are you sure you're not interested to apply for it?"

(Interested!? YES. F*ck yes, I am... but I'm a mum... I couldn't do full-time...)

So I asked if she thought I'd be a suitable candidate (response: yes, definitely) and asked her to print out the job description for me to take a  look at it.

Pretty much the job is PERFECT for me. And yes, a HUGE part of me would love to do it...

Turmoil. Angst... A sleepness night....

And by Thursday morning I had decided: NO. It's just not the right time for me... I couldn't possibly work full-time. I wouldn't want to put my kids second to my job. A few tears... feelings of disappointment... cups-of-teas and chatting it over with various people.. who all tended to agree with me..
Phew. Happy that that's over with... Now move on and back to my original plans..

Then today I had a meeting at the gallery at 11am - to discuss this event facilitation that I am doing with them in early September... Good meeting. Went for almost an hour (unpaid to me of course) Lots of fun creative ideas generated.. Enjoyed it...

And suffered HUGE PANGS about the job (and my decision not to go for it) again...

So now I am re-thinking.... a little? I rang up the recruitment person for the postion and asked a couple of questions... Turns out it is a 9 day fortnight... regular hours of 8:15-5:05pm, time off in lieu when you have to work outside those hours for weekend and evening events...

I know my answer should be NO and I should just stick to that and wipe it from my mind... but it's hard.

Do I want this job? YES. The me who is not a mum (and I guess that's not me is it??) really, really really would love this job. I enjoy working. I am a career focused person... and I guess I have had to suffer and deal with some hugely bitter disappointment with myself and my career - since I chose to walk away from teaching in a school - as I didn't like it.  I didn't feel that there was a job around and available for me that I would like to do... I figured I would have to create it for myself - and thus I threw my energies into A Little Creative.

This job. I would love the experience of working in the gallery. I would love that environment. The position is for the 'Education and Public Programs Officer' - and the criteria required and key responsibilities do read quite perfectly for me...

One thought is: just apply for it, and see what happens... as obviously I may not even get it...  But I don't think I could even go for it, if I haven't figured it out in my own head.

I told Julie today I wasn't going to apply.... Now obviously, I am having doubts...

I know. I know... I'm torturing myself. If I am to look at it all realistically and rationally I shouldn't waste anytime thinking about it.

My values are to be there for my kids... I don't want to work full-time. Those hours would change our lives astronomically (of which Ben, really isn't very aware - and hence he really isn't the best person to discuss it with.. neither is anyone I know who doesn't have kids..)

I'm torturing myself. Just say no. and move on....

(can I??)