It's Wednesday again... the first day of the week for me without Curtis - as we went away for a long weekend, and only came home yesterday... So my one and only "work" day is started with a LONG list of to-do's, plus a larger load of washing and unpacking stuff from the holidays... I even made things more complicated for myself by allowing Tilly to stay home from school an extra day!
I really enjoyed getting away for a few days (we went to Maryborough and Harvey Bay) - but it wasn't long enough. I wanted to stay away... I didn't want to come back... I didn't want to step back into my real life and have to face things again... I wanted to hide... Just stay away and have fun on holiday: yep, that sounds like a good idea!
So this morning and yesterday since I have come back I have been feeling rather ANXIOUS...
I have written the 'necessary' to-do list.. cleaned up the kitchen, put a load of washing on, made a cup of tea (morale-boosting-liquid), and headed out to my computer with the intention TO DO as quickly as possible what needs to be done on my list... and then hopefully have some 'FREE-TIME' left over to do some fun things with Tilly...
And I just can't get started.. I don't want to... I can't...
So I am writing here instead.
I think I am just completely overloaded, exhuasted and shattered - over what has been a cumulative- effect over the past few years.
When I look back at the past few years and what major things we have done and experienced - it is quite amazing and mind-blowing. There has been a huge amount of stress and exhaustion... not very much 'taking-things easy' - which seems to be something that I don't really know how to do.
Yes it would be great if I had a different personality. If I naturally knew how to keep my life in more balance and order and avoid all the chaos. I hate that I seem to have the same repeat pattern of running really hard (at life and goals) and then burning myself out.
But I can't quite change how I am. And all I know is that right now I want to DO A LOT LESS. I want to LET-GO of so many of my "responsibilities" and "shoulds" (namely all the "shoulds" with my business: A Little Creative) - I just want to be ME. I want life to be simpler, less hectic. I want to have fun with my kids, do a bit of housework and organisation, do a bit of art and play for me...
I just need more physical space and mental space - for as long as I need it. Until I feel better, and able to take more on again...
And there's only one real way to go about that. And that's just deciding to DO IT. Declaring that that's what I need, and LETTING GO of all the extra stuff that I do: handing tasks over to other people, and if others don't do them.. then not caring that they're not getting done for a while.
I am mentally-exhausted, suffering from depression as a result of putting too much pressure on myself. I need to look after myself. I need some time and space to recover. xoxo
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