i didn't do it

okay, so I didn't do what I said I would in my last post... instead, with my overloaded 'to do' list I thought stuff it, I won't do the re-enrolment forms and I won't declare that I am planning not to continue the classes either.. I'll just let it all slide and see how I feel about it after Christmas.. which was probably a wise choice... :)
I do feel a good deal happier lately. I do believe I am heading in the right direction... (wherever that is!? - just still a bit uncertain about the destination, but confident that the general direction is a good one!) and I am getting much better at being more patient and tolerant with my limitations (particularly to my time). I love my kids so much and a big part of all that I want and all that I'm doing is to make it all work and fit in around my children and my role as a mother - and I don't for one second want to begrudge them or feel dissatisfied with myself and my goals and ambitions because of my two beautiful and wonderful kids whom I love and want more than anything.. (and let's face it, I have been guilty of that! - perhaps not in actions, but in my mind...) SO I realise that I just HAVE TO alter my perspective.. I have been thinking about things in the wrong way - putting too much pressure on myself, being too ambitious with my thoughts... there's nothing wrong with having my 'big' goals and ambitions and dreams... but I have to put no time pressures or unreasonable expectations on my performance NOW. I am not trying to be 'businesswoman' of the year.. I am not trying to be 'mother' of the year either.. I am just me - and I need to slow down and believe in myself and be happy being me and operating at whatever pace I am able to, or choose to..
I have always been one to 'measure' things.. to have a time-line, a gradation of some sort - and right now I really have to let go of all that and let things grow more organically and unmeasured - just give the love, the focus, the attention bit by bit and believe that things WILL grow very well at their own pace!
I still am very frequently guilty of being a 'jealous' person... I look at what other's (women especially) have achieved and either feel envy to a degree.. or feel as if I could do it better or my art and designs etc are better than hers... and the thought that I am NOT getting 'out there' like that other person - eats me up and makes me feel sour and dissatisfied: JEALOUS.
I know that is not a healthy thing to do.. It is not how I want to think... And I am going to stop it.

I am just me. I have great designs and ideas and artistic talent etc. etc. I will 'get out there' (in the public arena??) somehow and soon... some people probably think that I already am.. I guess I am.. just. I'm on the precipice I guess. But I know all the designs and the ideas that have not yet had the chance to see the light of the day -and with a bit more patience, and just continuing to work at my own pace and continue along the path that I am already on, I KNOW that they will be out there soon enough.... and that is quite exciting!

A recap to the title of this entry: 'I didn't do it' - I can now add "yet" to that! Because I know that soon enough I WILL do all the things that I have been wanting to do for so long. I will DO it. I'm getting there! Just you wait and see :)