Today I went to a collaborative artists' talk at the Caloundra Regional Gallery.
It was great! It was an indulgence (I don't normally give myself time to go out and do something that I want to do!) It was thoroughly enjoyable at the time... but now my head is overloaded with thoughts - I have gone into a creative-thinking spin... and I really can't discern much about what is going on in my mind at all!
All I know is that I LOVED talking ABOUT art - it is SUCH an important part about being an artist/art-teacher/normal person! - It is easy to get caught up in just the DOing of art... or even the quick 'viewing' of art when you visit a gallery... but talking about art is quite amazing and significant as a practice on its own. Yep, loved it.
Now though - utterly confused!
I really want to somehow give myself time to step into the art-world more as an artist myself. I want to DO my art, I want to fell justified to call myself an 'artist' - I want to feel like I am engaged in the practise of making my own art, and hopefully too exhibiting my art and selling my art too!.. I hoped that I might walk away from this talk and meet-and-greet session with a few more ideas of how to go about it... but at this point the path is not at all clear to me!
The session also reinforced to me how much I do LOVE my business (the premise of it at least) - teaching and enabling young kids and also adults, mums etc. to be more creative and arty is SO much about what i believe in - so mucvh of my values are tied up in that, that I can't bear the thought of stopping it or walking away... I love my business and all my ideas - I constantly come up with new ideas.... but I can't do it all.
I am severely struggling with the lack of time that I have (I am typing fast and watching the clock right now - as I have to pick Tilly up in less than an hour... plus I also should be doing things in the art-studio to set-up for the workshop tomorrow... and yes, preparing dinner should be on my agenda too!)
I have lots of ideas... lots of 'business' things that are working out quite well... a desire to be an 'artist' and no real clue or commitment on how to start that... and not enough time for any of it!??
"What do I want to do?" - is always such a central and pertinent question to everything... and I guess for me the answer is ART - (amongst being a good mum) - but somehow I have created this business that is going very well on some levels, but is completely overwhelming me as well. In all that I do - I seem to be very good at creating humungous lists that just seem to grow and expand on their own of more and more things that I "HAVE TO DO".
Somehow I get this little (stupid?) thought: I want to run an art class... then suddenly there are so many things that I HAVE to do - and never enough time to do it all!
I have to clean-up the art studio, I have to prepare the materials, I have to text that new material out, I have to make an example, I have to get everything set-up. I have to send several emails, I have to find the details of that person I was meant to contact, I have to do my newlsetter, I have to tidy my desk, I have to get more organised, I have to figure out what the hell it is I am planning to do and how I am going to do it all before I DROWN!!!!
Shit! - Why do I always do this to myself? How do I get myself out of it??
I do make my own life quite difficult, I know...
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