Parenting Classes...

I have just attended my second of a series of four 'Parenting Workshops' being held at Caloundra Community Centre, and conducted by Dr Bob Jacobs of the Parenting Centre.

I must admit, I was a bit sceptical when deciding to go... my initial thoughts were: do I really need someone to tell me how to be a good parent?? I think I'm doing a good enough job, and that there aren't necessarily any 'right' or 'wrong' ways to parent...But, I decided to give them a go and am very glad that I did!! - Thankyou Dr Bob Jacobs, I am thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to think about parenting in an intellectual way and am enjoying thinking about parenting in a (sometimes) new and challenging way - so much so that I am compelled to write about it afterwards..

Today's session was about: 'Understanding Children's Behaviour', and essentially I learned from it that:

• Humans are naturally insecure creatures due to needing such a high level of care right from birth - thus most childrens' (and adults?) behaviour stems from the need for security; often shown in the need to be the centre of attention...
• All children's behaviour is purposeful and goal driven.. They are not 'misbehaving' or disobeying becuase they are naturally 'bad' - but generally they are wanting attention to fulfil their need of security...
• Often it is better to look at what happens as a result of a children's behaviour to fully understand it, rather than the behaviour itself (eg. what attention does the child get when he/she does that?)
• Often our biggest challenge as parents is being able to meet the security needs of our children..

I get all of these points above, and they sat well with my own philosophies... But I realised that often I struggle in my own mind with the thought that if I 'give my child what she wants' (what she needs) that I am perhaps being too soft... that I might be setting up more problems for myself in the future... Or that other adults/parents will think critically of me! It can seem strange to treat a child's 'negative' behaviour with a 'postive' one - as if you are 'rewarding' their misbehaviour... Currently, I am using the 'Distraction' technique quite a lot with my two year old - as I know she doesn't understand too much reasoning, I know she isn't trying to be bad - she is just bored/curious/etc - and anything that I think she should not be doing can be easily replaced with a postive behaviour if I 'distract' her with it...
Fortunately, I verbalised these thoughts - and Dr Bob clarified my thinking in a very good way: essentially, my thoughts are stemming from my own 'insecurities' as a parent, and generally can stem from being brought up in the 'traditional' way that most of us have been.

Indeed, I am a person who likes to do things 'right' (or even 'better' than anyone else!). I tend to be someone who likes to 'follow the rules'... with the realisation that there are no 'rules' life can be a bit confusing!

I still wonder about the quantiity of 'security'/'attention' needs that a child has... Obviously different children will demonstrate different levels of 'neediness' depending on their natural personality (some are more independant, others shyer and 'clingier' perhaps) - I wonder how a parent determines if a child is being too needy - and when they should step back to allow a child to develop more self-confidence and independence?? Or does this naturally become apparent when such a 'problem' arises?

Towards the end Dr Bob was mentioning that there are often 'natural consequences' to things - something which was only briefly mentioned, but I can definately accept and begin to understand... I think problems often exist today with parenting, discipline, etc. because children don't get to the point of having to deal with 'natural consequences'...

More of what Dr Bob said, initially was confronting to me: the approach of simply focussing on children's needs - can seem extreme: to 'give them all that they want' i.e. if a child's chore is to do the washing up and he/she refuses, the parents could accept that and offer to do them themselves - to set an example... Initially alarm bells went of in my head! As I'm sure we all know someone (possibly a parent) who appears to be quite 'taken advantage of' by others - if they let them... But I realised that you can parent by focussing on 'needs' if you also focus on your own needs! Parenting is all about doing so much for our children: meeting their needs, but as parents and adults we too have our own needs and if we focus on acknowledging and fulfilling these - and modelling to our children that ours (and others) needs must also be met and respected - then I do agree with the whole philosophy!

That is what I have struggled with most throughout my own journey so far as a mother... realising and accepting my own needs - and being willing to give myself the time and attention that I need, rather than sacrificing everything for my child and others...

Another important point I took note of today was:

• We have a myth of being able to control things... (trying to control our children's behaviour, lives, circumstances etc.)

That is definateley something I have been forced to acknowledge recently... and I am constantly in a learning curve of 'letting go' of so many things that I want to be able to control but can't. The sooner one realises what they can't control, the better. Just accepting how things are, and then dealing with that reality in the best possible way is all we can do...

• Parents need to get comfortable with losing power struggles (or not engaging in a 'power struggle' in the first place!)

This was another good point; something I was definately taught through my training as a teacher, but worth being reminded of! Our children, no matter what the age, are separate thinking and acting individuals - we need to let them express themselves and explore their limits and boundaries. Being a parent is NOT about always being 'right' or setting unchangeable rules and standards... really we are learning just as much about life as our children are... Taking a parenting approach that is much more fluid seems like a reasonable solution. Our role is to provide love and support and understanding for our children - to guide them and teach them, and help ensure their needs are met... And along the way model that we are adults enjoying life, learning, making mistakes, and seeking to fulfil our own needs also.

That's all for now... until the next session!