Happy face!

Ha! I wrote that last entry, and so nearly didn't post it. It's so much easier to lie - to just put on a 'happy face' as much as possible. I sure will try to put on my happy face. I will try to be as optimistic and genuinely happy as possible. I believe in the saying: "Fake it until you make it" - and so often forcing yourself to do something 'fun' can change your mood around even if its just temporarily.
But sometimes it's a bit fake... I don't like to dwell in self-pity and misery! And it can be hard to really open up to people sometimes...

So I guess I'm sort of proud that I posted that last entry... It's true, if nothing else...

Grasping small moments, believing in myself...

Life has been quite difficult lately - and that's putting it mildly really.

I tend to have a bit of an all or nothing approach to life... I am a strong person who can cope with a lot, and I tend to keep going until I hit a big brick wall.

I think I hit my 'brick-wall' last Monday.. each day since then has been quite hard. Some moments are good, some I feel fine... but they seem to be heading towards the minority rather than the majority... I have to make the most of the moments that are good and happy - saviour them, and know that if anyone can turn things around quick it is me... I do believe in myself (most of the time) - and I know I will make it...

I have quite a long history with Depression... And by Wednesday I knew I was not at all feeling good so I made a Dr's appointment for the next day... I walked out of the Dr's office with a new perscription for Zoloft, a referral to a psychologist and a bandaid on my arm after lots of blood was drawn to check for half a dozen other things.

It's what I wanted I guess. It's what I knew.

Friday I got the prescription filled at the chemist.. but I haven't taken a tablet yet.. I definately will if it's inevitable that I need them... but I am wanting to take a few more days to see how I go...

It's disappointing to be in this place again. I can see why. I can see that it has been triggered by a range of stressful circumstances, and then having a few weeks of being ill with a bad cold has pushed me to the limit.

I hope this week is much better. I hope I can avoid getting any worse. I hate depression, it sucks. It makes me doubt everything and not believe in myself - it makes me not be me.

Worn out...

I have had a cold for over two weeks now - pretty much everyone in the family has had it thanks to dear Tilly bringing it home form childcare.. (we no doubt need to read the book: 'Germs are not for sharing' more often!)

It has been a bugger of a cold, but I have kept going... but yesterday and today I think I've reached my limit. I'm EXHAUSTED! Just tired, teary, grumpy... any little thing is enough to 'ruin' me. Urgghh. And of course being a stay-at-home mum means that there are many 'little things' that go wrong in a given day - or every few minutes!

My resilience is shot... it feels like the end of the world. I know it's not...

I am like my 2-year old daughter when she is overtired: prone to tantrums. I had one this morning... now I just need some sleep...

Happy Birthday to me!

It is my birthday today... and I must admit that during the lead-up to it I wasn't really too excited by the idea... No, it's not one of those mile-stone ages that I'm ashamed to reach! - I just didn't really care too much... More-so I was curious just to see whether my husband would remember or go to any effort!?

My mum was rather excited about it as it was the first birthday in about ten years that I would share with her and family... she had been planning my party all month - and got Tilly so excited about it too that she has been singing 'Happy Birthday' to me at random times for weeks and talking about the party!!

Indeed, I had a fabulous time! Drank more alcohol than I have in a while... and ate too much good food..

But the best part was having my two beautiful children around to prove to me how great it is to be turning 35 - it's special because it is the first birthday I have had as a mum of two children! And my 2-year old loved getting dressed up, helping granny with all the decorations, singing happy birthday, and of course eating the cake!! My 3 mth old - also helped me celebrate by falling sound asleep early! And my husband was very good to me all weekend :)

Thanks to my mum and all my family... I had such a good birthday weekend... that I now need to go to sleep!!

(Tilly in her party dress eating as many chips as she could get her hands on!)

(Curtis being cute and wearing his first ever party hat!)

Not always sane!!!!

Some days and moments I am definately NOT sane... even though I try... Fortunately, or unfortunately - those are the days and moments that I have NO time to write about it here!! Like now... I am risking a lot taking these couple of moments to write... But it at least is giving me time to catch my breath and cry my tears before entering the battleground of my own house once again!!!
See you... Crying Curtis needs me... and Tilly is up to no good in the kitchen....

"I'm going to be an architect... and a darn good one!"

It was about 13 years ago (too long ago!) when I said those words to the Dean of Architecture at UQ - in an attempt to convince him to let me stay in the course... Unfortunately, before much longer I was in tears as I realised that nothing I could say was going to make any difference.. I was just a number in the system that was not letting me continue with my architecture degree.

I can look back at all of that with a lot of regret. Able to see where I made my mistakes: a lack of self confidence after being quite ill was my biggest fault... And when that boulder was placed on the road of my chosen career path I decided to explore other options and went off along a completely different path which led to my teaching degree...

Hmmm. More dot, dot, dots required here...... About 13 years worth!

At the start of this year I got thinking about architecture again. Wondering if I should perhaps pursue that path again? Wishing I had never gotten off it...

I decided the timing wasn't right - with two very young children I don't have the time to focus on studies - let alone travel to Brisbane for the course.. So after a few serious weeks of considering it I pushed the idea away.

Currently we are building a new house which I essentially designed for us - I am so enjoying being able to witness the whole building process taking place in our backyard, and I am very proud of my input into the project. I though that it might satisfy my architectural urges to see my design become reality - but really it has just wet my appetite and made me open my eyes to what I really do want to do.

No more excuses. No more denying it. I would love to be an architect. I wish I had never let circumstances take me of track. I wish I already was an architect. I know I could be a f*#ing good architect... And I still can be! I like to believe that it is "never too late" to do something... But stupid me just never wanted to look at 'the one that got away' - and consider going after it again! I think a part of me was just licking my wounds perhaps... or trying to keep my mind and goals busy in every other direction... But when I look at architecture as a career - I cannot deny that it is what I want.

It's not too late. I don't have to be afraid, scared, etc. (is it okay to be emotional?? - because I am!) I'm just going to face what I want and go for it!

Fair enough, the timing is not right now.. but in a few years it can be.

I don't want to lose sight or get distracted again. No. I'm facing it and making the commitment to me that I do want to be an architect, and I WILL do it.

Probably a few years away until I can commit to full-time study again.. in the meantime I am going to enjoy and make the most of my time as a mum of young children. And also pursue my short-term goals of starting up a creative studio and business. But I know what I want for the future...

So much to look forward to! I am happy :) Thanks Ben for supporting my talent and personal goals and for helping me to see what I had pushed out of my mind!

A poem about hands...

I hold Tilly’s hand, and she holds mine,
Curtis can yet only grasp one finger at a time.
But oh how special it makes me feel,
To touch my beautiful children and know that they are real.

Our hands are important – because they’re all that we do,
From discovering new objects, learning to eat, to tying a shoe…
I wonder what great things my children’s hands will explore?
For me, just getting to hold them will be the best thing for sure.

Right now my hands are constantly: holding, cleaning, folding, washing, wiping, picking up, cooking, driving, explaining, playing, loving…
They don’t get much time for: typing, writing, painting, creating, pampering or relaxing...
They’re constantly busy and on the go,
Touching my beautiful children is the best thing they know.

And this will not change for as long as I live,
Being able to love and care and continue to give.
My hands will go through all the joys and the pain,
They’ll help sort through old photos and re-live it again.

And at the end when my hands are weak and quite old,
They will reach out for the hands of my children to hold.
Such a strong, loving connection exists through that touch,
Just holding onto a hand can communicate so much.

Tip shop finds - yay!

My daughter's swimming lesson has been altered to a different time - which allowed us to get to the local tip-shop when it opened last Saturday... I LOVE op-shopping and collecting 'junk'. It gives me such a high to find a great vintage piece at a next-to-nothing price!!

I enjoy going to the tip-shop, and I am well aware that the best time to get there is when it opens... but unfortunately I haven't had much chance to do that. But on Saturday the whole family went - I prepared hubby for the crowds - knowing that he would likely go into shock when he saw the people queued up outside waiting for the doors to open... I had managed to convince him to go - as he wanted quite a few large pots to plant some vegie seeds that he'd recently bought.. I told him there were heaps of pots at the tip shop - much cheaper than Bunnings.. I of course knew I would have my eye out for other things aswell.

And guess what!?? I scored!!! So excited by what I brought home - all for $20 (which included all the pots that Ben bought!)

Obviously I am reliving my childhood a lot with the things I like to buy:

This tree-house toy above I had as a child, and is quite collectable now!

I had a little trike just like this one!

I love the vintage prints on these playing cards...

These timber cigar boxes are a great size for storing things... I thought I could use my creativity to paint them up... but am quite keen on the printed labels that are on them. As I guessed, my daughter T enjoys putting bits and pieces inside and piling them up and reorganising them (just like her mum!)

Can't wait to go to the tip-shop again next week!