From little things, big things grow…

(This entry was written in 2010)

If my life has a theme-song at the moment – it is the song: “from little things, big things grow..” – I just can’t get it out of my mind for too long, and it is a good thing. It makes me smile whenever I hear it playing in my mind – and also makes me think of my old school principal…

Rewind my life just over three years and I was at a pretty low point… It had been a difficult start to 2007… my only remaining grandparent had undergone a hip operation which had gone wrong and resulted in his leg being amputated, followed by a rapid decline with other health complications, and resulting in a traumatic death. Meanwhile I was in my second year of teaching – and combined with the family stress, the pressure I put on myself to perform at my job, perhaps a few other factors of unhappiness that I was in denial about, and the fact that I had recently come off my anti-depressant medication (as we were wanting to start trying for a family soon) – I managed to reach my breaking point.

For me the worst moment was being unable to do my job. Being unable to keep on a capable, happy mask and use will-power to battle through the sinking hole of depression and walk into a classroom and teach. It was during the first week after mid-semester break… I had been struggling a lot before the holidays but somehow made it there and figured the break would set me back on track.. It didn’t. I managed to finish my first class then broke down in tears in front of the department head – who whisked me off to the principal’s office – (perhaps she took advantage of the opportunity as her and I had never seen eye-to-eye, or perhaps that was the best thing for her to have done?).

So there I sat: a failure, fighting back tears in the principal’s office. My principal was trying to be nice to me. He listened, he talked, he asked questions… I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole… this was the biggest failure moment of my whole life – I just wanted to get the hell out of there! Yes, I would agree to go home and call him in a day or so when I felt better. Yes, the idea of taking 6 months leave sounded good: I had been wanting to travel… Yes, yes, yes… just please stop talking and let me go now!? Then my principal asked me if he could play me a song.. What the!? Yes, yes of course…

He flicked through his CD’s and inserted one by the Black Eyed Peas – and played their track “From little things, big things grow”

We listened in silence. I was having a surreal out-of-body experience, wondering whether my principal was as looney as I was!? – Essentially I wasn’t quite in the right frame of mind to appreciate the meaning of him playing that song to me at the time… Intellectually I could tell the point he was trying to make (yes, indeed I always have been an over-achiever who tends to put herself under a lot of pressure to achieve things.. and obviously, all good things do take time… and part of the reason that I was ‘burnt out’ was because I was trying hard to ‘change the world’ really and had been trying to start up a new environmental program at the school…)

Him playing that song has always remained a strong image in my mind. For a while there I would be able to laugh when I remembered the moment – at how much I just didn’t want to be there – let alone listening to a song! – it just seemed odd and humorous…

Now I feel proud. I feel emotional. I feel like that moment was so significant to my life – yet I just couldn’t see it at the time.. not until now. He was so right. I just couldn’t see it.

When I hear that song in my head now – I think of the two beautiful children that I have given birth to and am working hard to help them grow and survive in this world… Being their mum is such an important and consuming job, everything definitely has to occur at a rather slow pace, but beautiful and wonderful things are the reward… and I think I am doing a pretty good job! Also I think about the significant life changes we have made this past year: selling our first home, moving to Qld., starting new lives and jobs, and now building a house! And finally as I am planning the ins and outs of the new creative business I plan to start next year… I KNOW that it is all happening because of me and all the effort and emotion that I am putting into it. Things are working out really well in our life. Nothing is easy, nothing has come about by accident… Finally though, the seeds that I have been sowing in my life are starting to grow and ‘from little things, big things grow!’ Thank-you Mr Keysers for believing in me, and trying to send me that message. I believe in myself again now too.