My visual imagery is not quite reality...

Oh I am SO good at coming up with 'great ideas' - of visualising how I think things should be.. of dreaming up the perfect plan, activity, afternoon with the kids, studio space..., job.. business...

Yet those fabulous things I imagine generally take a heck of a LOT of hard work... and of course never, ever go quite as planned..

In my ideal world I am a teacher, I am an artist, creativity and love and family is all around.
Oh I could go on and on: painting the scene of MY Willy-Wonka type dream that is all about art and paint and a zillion other fun art materials and activities rather than lollies...

I guess it can be -I just have to alter and modify things a little bit... Start DOING rather than THINKING too much.. because there reality does lie... Doing is never quite how you think it will be.

I just dropped my kids at Family Day Care - and spent half an hour in heated discussion with their fabulous carer as we 'complained' and shared our frustration about all the bullsh#t regulations and restrictions and 'learning outcomes' bla - bla bla that exist.. Yes I am a teacher - I've worked in school systems: I know ALL about it -and there is so much I hated... so much so that I left...

There are just So many rules and regulations that make what should be simple things SO darn hard.. I can understand the reasoning behind them.. but the reality is that trying to do anything in life: like look after someone else's kids, teach fun art classes etc. Is pretty much impossible to do - especially if you actually want to earn some money for your effort and time!

It's frustrating and it's sad.

But complaining is going to get me nowhere. Society is as it is - and I DO NOT intend to enter politics to try and change things. I just have to accept what I don't like, and work within the sytems that are in place -despite how flawed I think they may be..

My ideas and dreams are awesome! - I am going to keep dreaming and believing in myself.. and accept that as I do them I am going to encounter many, many problems - but I can keep going and accept the challenge of working around them and through them towards my visions.

It is going to be a long and bumpy path.. But I can do it...

Something new to be proud of :)

I've been having a rough couple of weeks...

The past couple of months I have been FLAT-OUT - throwing any minuscule inkling of spare time towards getting my new business: 'A Little Creative' started. I'd decided we would open in August... we kinda have - I've been working my butt off to get our first classes promoted and running.. classes of mine and two other teachers... Out first sewing ones (last weekend) didn't get the numbers to run... looks like we may get one class running this Saturday a kid's one for father's day...

Yep. so much i have been doing.. definitely heaps to feel proud of.. but do you know what?? That's not what I'm really the most proud of...

I am proud that for once I have made a good realization as I headed off down my oh-so familiar path of running myself into the ground and wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion -all because I really, really want to achieve something that I believe is going to make me happier... Earlier than ever before I have been able to realize that I am making a mistake. I have to slow down. I can't achieve what I am trying to do just yet - not at this pace... and actually I have my priorities (as usual) slightly skewed.

The whole point to starting up 'A Little Creative' is because I am desperate to BE a little creative!! I so want to do my own art. I want an outlet that is creative and intellectual. I LOVE my kids - they are my hugest priority - but I need something else for me!! I have so many great ideas!! I am so talented and smart and creative.. I'm a hard worker.. courageous.. passionate.

Yet, I very often make the mistake of not looking after myself.. chasing a dream and desire that I think is going to make me happier - yet my actions are not making me happy, but I just throw myself at it until I am totally burnt out.. and sink into depression..

Ah yes.. depression.. my old, old friend... The one I try so hard to understand.. but so often don't..

Guess what!? This time I think I have beaten my usual self destructive patterns that lead me to depression - I think I am getting smarter and wiser! and much better at looking after myself!

I may have to stick my tail between my legs for a little while and face a bit of embarressment as i take a quick step back from my business plans... But I really believe that it is for the best.. And for that I am REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

I have big and wonderful plans for 'A Little Creative' - I am going to continue developing a business that represents my passions and interests in art and design - and that suits me and my needs around my family... Though right now, I just need to slow down a little bit - focus on giving myself a bit more love and attention - and let the 'artist' come out, rather than the 'teacher'!