Yes, I have definitely been heading there - but for most people I guess it is very hard to change their nature: "a leopard can never change it's spots"
Really, change is always the only constant. Change happens all the time - nothing really ever stays the same - except people will cling and try to maintain their familiar habits, stay in their comfort-zone or whatever...
I am not really one to 'stay in my comfort-zone' - I am more likely to see where it is and leap out of it... but really I tend to repeat the same similar habits over and over.
I've done a lot of thinking lately.. a lot of talking to Ben (as I need his support to make my new commitments)... and I am facing my fears and LETTING GO of so much.
I need to. I have to. I will. I am.
I want to be ME. I want to be an artist, a mother, a happy and loving person who is FREE in her head and her heart. I am the one who constantly puts myself under pressure. Who sets new goals for herself, new challenges... such high standards... Who makes myself run and run and run to the point of collapse.. Who hasn't really ever let herself slow down and just be.
I am me.. and often I am my own worst enemy.
I am smart, intelligent, creative, caring, driven... But I am going to strike off that last one! I am going to let go of my huge 'ambitions to succeed' - to be 'better' than others, to do more, to prove myself...
Who have I been trying to prove myself to?? What am I trying to prove? Why do I have to do more? be more productive, have more to be proud of??
These are SO much my character-traits that I tend to live my life without questioning them.... I am adopted... and it has been suggested by some of the counselors that I've seen over the years that perhaps that is part of the reason why I am such a high achiever... Am I trying to constantly prove that I am worthy of my parents love? - that they should keep me? If they are always PROUD of me - then that gives me my purpose??
I am a mother now. I understand my parents more than ever before and can see that blood-or not. Their LOVE for me is unconditional. It is endless, it is there for me whether I succeed or fail.
Life is not a competition. It is not a race...
"Achievement" - now really: what the fuck is that!??
I am very, very fortunate with all that I have. I have two amazing children, a fabulous husband, loving parents - a great house in an amazing location... an ART STUDIO!!
I love all that I have, and all that I have achieved.
Since being a mother I have struggled a lot (and yeah - I guess I was struggling a lot for many years before that too!).
I have always been 'independent' - I've paid my own way. I was never driven by money.. but I liked knowing I could earn my own money, support myself and choose how I wanted to spend my money and time... Then when you have kids - a huge amount of the 'independence' changes.... There have been many (crazy??) financial reasons behind why I want to push myself now to achieve in my business.
But I have been constantly faced with the reality that : I can't do it all!
It's too hard. I'm too tired. I want to slow down... and fortunately I have... I've had some time to think...
And I don't want to keep chasing around like a lunatic... I'm not dropping everything I was doing.. but I'm definitely making changes, and letting go of a lot of my 'goals'.
My new goals are essentially:
- looking after me and my family (physically, emotionally, etc. - but not financially - fortunately Ben is doing that for now..)
- being creative - giving myself the space and time to be the artist that I am! No pressure, no expectations - just do more of MY ART!!
- not taking on too much (this will be my constant challenge).
- exercising, eating well..
- organizing and maintaining a happy house
- relaxing and having fun.
Okay... doesn't really sound like anything majorally NEW there in that list.. It's all quite logical, and definitely desirable. But I think I have finally managed to get rid of a quite a few OBSTACLES that were holding me back.
Good-luck Lindy. Enjoy the journey. I am sure it will be much more enriched, the slower you go. And you can ALWAYS be proud of just being you and all that you do. xoxoxoxo
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