I just need S-P-A-C-E.... (I guess?)

It's Wednesday again... the first day of the week for me without Curtis - as we went away for a long weekend, and only came home yesterday... So my one and only "work" day is started with a LONG list of to-do's, plus a larger load of washing and unpacking stuff from the holidays... I even made things more complicated for myself by allowing Tilly to stay home from school an extra day!

I really enjoyed getting away for a few days (we went to Maryborough and Harvey Bay) - but it wasn't long enough. I wanted to stay away... I didn't want to come back... I didn't want to step back into my real life and have to face things again... I wanted to hide... Just stay away and have fun on holiday: yep, that sounds like a good idea!

So this morning and yesterday since I have come back I have been feeling rather ANXIOUS...

I have written the 'necessary' to-do list.. cleaned up the kitchen, put a load of washing on, made a cup of tea (morale-boosting-liquid), and headed out to my computer with the intention TO DO as quickly as possible what needs to be done on my list... and then hopefully have some 'FREE-TIME' left over to do some fun things with Tilly...

And I just can't get started.. I don't want to... I can't...

So I am writing here instead.

I think I am just completely overloaded, exhuasted and shattered - over what has been a cumulative- effect over the past few years.

When I look back at the past few years and what major things we have done and experienced - it is quite amazing and mind-blowing. There has been a huge amount of stress and exhaustion... not very much 'taking-things easy' - which seems to be something that I don't really know how to do.

Yes it would be great if I had a different personality. If I naturally knew how to keep my life in more balance and order and avoid all the chaos. I hate that I seem to have the same repeat pattern of running really hard (at life and goals) and then burning myself out.

But I can't quite change how I am. And all I know is that right now I want to DO A LOT LESS. I want to LET-GO of so many of my "responsibilities" and "shoulds" (namely all the "shoulds" with my business: A Little Creative) - I just want to be ME. I want life to be simpler, less hectic. I want to have fun with my kids, do a bit of housework and organisation, do a bit of art and play for me...

I just need more physical space and mental space - for as long as I need it. Until I feel better, and able to take more on again...

And there's only one real way to go about that. And that's just deciding to DO IT. Declaring that that's what I need, and LETTING GO of all the extra stuff that I do: handing tasks over to other people, and if others don't do them.. then not caring that they're not getting done for a while.

I am mentally-exhausted, suffering from depression as a result of putting too much pressure on myself. I need to look after myself. I need some time and space to recover. xoxo

Trying...

Okay, so since my last post.. you may be wondering how I am going...?

I'm getting there.
I'm tired. I'm worn out... and when I scroll through all the previous blog-posts it really sounds like the same old tune!

Farrk! It's hard! Life is just SO darn bloody hectic - just being a mum, and not even trying to run a business or do things for myself. Trying to squeeze just a little bit of everything in (work, exercise, my art, all the family demands... a little time for me..) - does really seem quite impossible.

So then I get days like today when I just can't be motivated. I just don't know where to start. I feel tired and teary. I give 'permission' to myself to give myself a bit of space and time to ME... but what should I even do??

So far, I've made a coffee, put a load of washing on, sent a couple of business emails, caught-up with Facebook-life for a few minutes (I am quite over facebook - so it is kind of weird just peering at it for a moment, and seeing pictures and snippets of random people's lives... People that I like, miss, care about - but never see in real-life... and it just kind of adds to the guilt of never having time to write a letter or call...)

So yeah... Here I am. Feeling teary. Feeling tired. (But of course there's no point going and lying down for a nap is there!? - I've just had a coffee!)... There's a long list of work-stuff I could/should do.

For me... I guess I'm best to go for a walk, and try and do a little bit of fun-art for me... the necessity to clean/clear-up my art-space a bit more emerges...

Inactivity. Indecision. Lack of motivations. Feeling teary. All signs of depression...

I went to the counselor on the weekend... I don't really feel like it helped me at all... I don't know if I'll go back again soon... I didn't go to the GP either..

I don't think I have any major 'problems' to solve through talking... I just have to slow-down, and learn to adjust to life at a bit of a different pace.... I'm just so used to running in those two modes: full on, or collapse.

Woe is me :( xo