When no-one's there to hold your hand...

Despite being a 34 year old, relatively confident, competent and capable woman I realise that so often I really desire someone to 'hold my hand' to give me the confidence and encouragement to do the things I want to do. I don't need it... I am able to do things alone, and I will if I have to... but I really, really would like someone to be holding my hand a lot of the time! And I thinkk more lately I have been waiting for it, and not taking my own actions so much...

Is that weird? Is that something that I could blame my parents for? Were they over-protective and didn't encourage or let me stand on my own enough, without somebody constantly holding my hand... (well yes, probably they were! - out of absolute love and caring and good intentions - but definately over-protective!)

Could I make the same mistake(s) with my own children?? When and how do you let go of their hand? Obviously not something I have to seriously face now - with a little daughter just turned 2! I am sure I will be holding her hand for many more years to come! But there probably is quite a fine line between being overprotective and fostering a healthily independent child... and eventually an adult!

For me, I guess I have to realise the things that I am wanting extra reassurance with, and why (my own business ideas and ventures...) and give myself the encouragement and support that I need to just push through and do it. I have done it before... but having had a 'failed' business experience once before - I seem to have become overly afraid, cautious, and unwilling to go out on a limb on my own again... I am being afraid of 'failure'... of putting in a lot of effort and not getting enough in return... But I have to don't I? What better way to show my children how to be independent as adults than to prove my own success in that area!... and if at first you don't succeed, try, try again...

I can do it! I just need to believe in myself and not let fears stop me... And most of the time I will have my lovely daughter's hand to hold at least!

Exhaustion

I'm feeling exhausted.

Just woke up, T is still asleep. I went to bed earlier than usual as I was utterly knackered last night - I get to the stage of feeling so utterly tired that I cannot function and just feel like crying... And now I have woken up feeling almost as bad! Oh dear.

I am over 31 weeks pregnant now, and I fear that this will be my energy level for the rest of the pregnancy... if not getting gradually worse! Plus I have the knowledge of: 'if I feel tired now; just wait until the baby arrives!' Which is not a good thought.

I hate feeling too tired. Obviously I just need to rest, take things slower and easier - but that is so much easier said than done! Especially for me... I always have such an active mind, and a zillion things that I am itching to do. Yes, I am getting used to not doing what I want to... but really, I haven't totally let go or released my desire... I just feel like I am getting more and more behind, further into a deficit of not being able to catch up on normal life stuff, let alone do some things that i want to!

And I know with a new baby - don't expect to have ANY time for the first year! Aaaaaaahhhhh!

Oh well, I'll just hope for a miracle: more energy, and more time in the day! Ha! Won't be able to cash in on that miracle, as I'm already in store for one soon: A new life, a precious baby and child is the biggest miracle to exist. One of my mum's group friends pointed that out to me when I was feeling verrry ordinary and over the whole pregnancy thing back in the first tri-mester (when I was severely EXHAUSTED and non-functioning for a few months... plus nauseated!)

A child is a miracle. I need to bite my tongue and count my blessings instead! (But gee, mums do get the raw end of the deal!)

Fishing for compliments?

My Fish Birthday Cake for T's second birthday!

Okay, so I intended for the birthday shenanigans to be kept rather simple this year... But I still managed to get totally exhausted by it all! Only a 'family' party on the Saturday, but also another party with six mums and eleven kids on the Monday had me flat out cooking sausage rolls, spinach and cheese savouries, a main fish birthday cake with jelly-water surround, and a couple dozen cupcakes! Not to mention wrapping presents and organising games, etc.

Too tiring really! Though I was happy and proud of myself... but my over-tired and grumpy moods were perhaps not quite worth it for my husband...

Why do I set such standards for myself??? Why am I not happy unless I make most of the stuff myself?? I am over 7 months pregnant, let's not forget! Surely a bought cake would have been good enough??? But no. I cannot manage to escape my "Martha Stewart" fantasies of motherhood. I want parties to be loads of fun and entertainment, with the majority of items made by me... including wrapping paper and gifts, etc...

I am still making the 'Cafe Kit' present that I have in my mind for T... and also now a new idea of a special picture book for her second birthday (as I did for her cousin many years ago now..) I have written the story and am very happy with that - but the illustrations will take quite a bit of time! I will post it up here when done - hopefully not too far away, so stay tuned.

Which leads me to the topic of this entry... Do I do it for external acclaim??? No, I don't think so... but some praise and admiration from others definately does not go astray... I'm pretty sure it is just me who I am trying to impress - though it is rather sadistic of me to put such pressures and expectations on myself!! At least I am getting better at thinking "oh well" about whatever I don't get done... at least I think I am... ;)

(Unfortunately I over cooked the cupcakes... I think I am more in favour of a large cake rather than cupcakes, as the little ones are rather fiddly and time consuming... and i reckon don't quite have the same impact as one large cake either! - at least I tried!)

Brothers and Sisters - Kitty's not quite a hands-on mum!

I must admit that I am a Brother's and Sister's fan... But Kitty's role as a mother leaves me somewhat bamboozled! Where on earth is Evan most of the time!????? In last night's episode I was excited to see him appear briefly in a scene where Kitty is feeding him breakfast (it's been many episodes since he's been seen at all!)... but then he magically disappears..

Is this image perhaps what Kitty looks like in the morning as she ponders whether she has forgotten something: her infant child!

Is it only me who wonders where Evan goes to??

The rest of the show features Kitty around at her mother's (no Evan being looked after by either of them) or with her husband who is off for a new job (he's not seen doing the hands on dad job whilst he's unemployed).

If just once we saw Evan being dropped at a 24hr day-care centre that would explain things a bit... As all his possible carers seem to never have him as part of their daily lives. Even last night's dinner party had Sarah's children conspicuously absent... didn't they make it home from school that day?? Goodness help the poor new baby if it ends up happening for Kevin and Scotty!

Hmmm, not quite how motherhood works in reality is it!?

Preparing for a party...

My daughter will turn two this Friday! So my week priorities are all set for that... (Still haven't had any time to start any of the art/craft things I am itching to do... but that will have to wait a little a longer... I am optimistic that I am a little bit closer: I have a table cleared out in the shed that I can work on, and I have a bag full of my shell craft materials sitting ready, along with some cardboard boxes ready to cut up - that is for a crafty 'cafe kit' I want to make for T as a birthday present.. so that has the most hope of getting done... hopefully!)

Her two days in childcare this week I will be busy doing extra grocery shopping, making cupcakes, sausage rolls, extra savouries, baking a cake and getting birthday cake decorating items.. not to mention party decorations and wrapping presents.... I already have some Nemo serviettes that she took a liking to.. But if there is going to be any theme, it is probably going to change to 'Thomas the Tank Engine' as she is really into "Toot-toot" as she calls him - and that is what we've decided to do for the cake!

I also have to take stock of all the 'little bits and pieces' of birthday gifts that I have been buying and hiding away over the past few months... I'm sure there is heaps there - so I won't have to go out and buy anything else... The indulged little child I have doesn't want for anything as it is - and I can imagine all the pressies she will be getting from grandparents and other rellies!

I am excited that she is turning 2! She seems like such a 'little girl' now - I almost feel as though I have a 3 or 4 year old; that's how mature and grown-up and capable she seems to me! It really does seem like such a great age... the only problem being her perhaps starting to grow out of her daytime nap (Please, No! Don't let that happen in a hurry!!!!)

I am hoping that I have learnt from her 1st birthday party not to go too overboard... The first one I really went all out - doing all the birthday things I had ever dreamed of, and inviting plenty of people... It took me a few months to get over it!
No - this time we are having a simple family party on the Saturday... she will be the only child! Then on the Monday a party with some mums and kids from playgroup - which is a shared party for T and another girl who will be one! Yep. That sounds reasonable.... not too crazy... But then I still have to plan something special for the REAL birthday day on Friday.... Hmmm.. How does trying to keep things simple suddenly turn into three different events!??? Hey, she's only going to be 2 once - and she is so gorgeous and cute, and smart, and funny, and adorable....... (And I'm a gloating, soppy mum!)

Household chores

Too many times, every day I have to do the dishes. Our tiny kitchen with no bench-space and only one small sink makes this task rather tedious. This is the 'good' look when the dishes are actually clean - only then can I feel somewhat satisfied to leave the house. How I long for a dhishwasher again and a larger kitchen!

My pantry really needs a sort out... provisions are low as I need to do my weekly shop - so in theory it would be a good time to clean the shelves and re-organise... but don't have time today!

A sunny day - good for the washing... this poor lot has been there for a few days and kept getting rained on. Definately time to bring it in and add to my mountain of ironing to do!

First Entry: May2010

Hmmm where do I start??

I guess the best news is that I have finally started... Today my daughter T is in care.. She has started attending a new Family Day Care place two days a week, and I know that it is a very good place and that she will be happy there in a small environment with a great carer, Jenny, and three other young children much the same age. She has been in care before - so I have suffered through the settling in periods, it is familiar having her cling to me and cry when she realises where we have arrived and that this is the place where mummy leaves her. I know that she calms down only a few minutes after I have left and ends up having a great time. I know intellectually that it is great for her and me - especially me - because without some time to myself I seriously go stir-crazy. But that doesn't stop me feeling GUILTY!!!!

I tend to go a bit frantic and anxious when I suddenly have time to myself... I have to remain calm, know that this time is going to be great in the long run, once I get myself into a routine. So many times I have gone quite 'psycho' when I get a few hours - not knowing where to start if I am trying to do something fun and creative for me. Or having a mile-long list of chores that are all no fun at all and cannot have any hope of being achieved in the time available.
Really, I have to take some time just to'chill'. To organise my head and heart. Hopefully this blog will be able to ground me and keep me on track... Hopefully it can give me some pleasure and satisfaction too. I can share my feelings both good and bad. I can share some pics - and hopefully start once again to switch on my 'photographic eye' which seems like it has been shut down for a while - except for endless 'happy-snaps' of my beautiful daughter... who is yet to learn to look at the camera when I want her to!
Yep this site is for me. For my sanity, for my pleasure... to keep track of my own life and hopefully be a record of the art and craft things that I am desperate to get into.. but feel so frustrated that I never seem to have the time. I have to realise that it must all start slowly, bit by bit.
This blog-site is all about me - and I hope that other mums will find it and enjoy reading it too. I hope that I may be able to connect with other like-minded parents in this cyber-space world and both them and I can feel like we are not alone.
Gotto go, and tackle some chores (massive pile of ironing today, plus a desperate need for grocery shopping!) and hopefully find time to start my shell collages too..
Love Lindy xo