To all the people who have been trying to give me good and reasonable advice over the past few months (or YEARS perhaps!?), you do not have to say those annoying words: "I told you so!"
No, never fear! I am telling it to myself... as I slowly realise that I have been overloading myself and trying to do way too much - instead of just enjoying life more.
All the 'advice' that my family and friends have been giving me have pretty much fallen on stupidly deaf ears... until now!
I hear you! I am listening!! It's going to take a bit of practice for me to slow down and take things a bit easier - but I am trying... and I think I am listening more :)
Thanks everyone for trying to help me - sorry I can be so stubborn.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Can't see the forest for the trees...
I'm feeling good and calm today... after having a major realisation yesterday that I DO NOT HAVE TO WORK to feel like a worthwhile person!!!! (Er duh!)
Seriously, I have struggled severely with my identity as a Stay-at-home-Mum (SAHM). Since the age of 15 I have worked and worked darn hard to always be independent... I have been prepared to take risks too to start up my own businesses - and really feel comfortable that I can earn money whether I am an employee or doing work off my own bat...
I am an ideas person - it is very, very hard for me to shut my brain down.. Every other day I come up with a 'new' business idea or product or invention (many of them quite brilliant! - all of them really quite unachievable at this stage in my life!).. my mind does drive me crazy.. usually I latch onto one of the ideas and try to focus on that..
Now I have realised I don't have to! I don't need to. the best thing I can do is focus what I already am doing!: focus on my family, my kids and being a mother...
I AM working darn bloody hard as a mum of two young children. I am working harder than I have ever worked before - though unfortunately there is no pay-check at the end of the week, and not much external appreciation and recognition (perhaps?)... No really it was the internal recognition that wasn't there! I can't blame anyone else but myself - I didn't fully get it and recognise my own achievements!
I've been so tired and working so hard to do all that a great mum needs to do to look after a 2 year old and a baby, and a husband and a household! - That I have never taken the time to give myself the recognition that I deserve. To value what I am doing, to celebrate myself and realise that what I am doing is pretty good!
It's time for me to look around and really start enjoying this forest that I am walking through. There is so much beauty to see and experience every step of the way - and right now I have the hands of my two beautiful children to hold. I need to enjoy every moment of it whilst I can!
(Yes, I have become a bit teary! But that's okay!)
Seriously, I have struggled severely with my identity as a Stay-at-home-Mum (SAHM). Since the age of 15 I have worked and worked darn hard to always be independent... I have been prepared to take risks too to start up my own businesses - and really feel comfortable that I can earn money whether I am an employee or doing work off my own bat...
I am an ideas person - it is very, very hard for me to shut my brain down.. Every other day I come up with a 'new' business idea or product or invention (many of them quite brilliant! - all of them really quite unachievable at this stage in my life!).. my mind does drive me crazy.. usually I latch onto one of the ideas and try to focus on that..
Now I have realised I don't have to! I don't need to. the best thing I can do is focus what I already am doing!: focus on my family, my kids and being a mother...
I AM working darn bloody hard as a mum of two young children. I am working harder than I have ever worked before - though unfortunately there is no pay-check at the end of the week, and not much external appreciation and recognition (perhaps?)... No really it was the internal recognition that wasn't there! I can't blame anyone else but myself - I didn't fully get it and recognise my own achievements!
I've been so tired and working so hard to do all that a great mum needs to do to look after a 2 year old and a baby, and a husband and a household! - That I have never taken the time to give myself the recognition that I deserve. To value what I am doing, to celebrate myself and realise that what I am doing is pretty good!
It's time for me to look around and really start enjoying this forest that I am walking through. There is so much beauty to see and experience every step of the way - and right now I have the hands of my two beautiful children to hold. I need to enjoy every moment of it whilst I can!
(Yes, I have become a bit teary! But that's okay!)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Many mega and mini mummy meltdowns...
Okay, maybe they are all mega meltdowns at the moment... a mini meltdown is just wishful thinking perhaps!???
Any which way, I have reached a bit of a breaking point this past week... Lots of tears being shed... But don't panic. I do have lots of loving support... I will get there in the end.. I have had worse breakdowns before (I think?) - I think this time I have caught it a little bit earlier on, and I will be able to ask for help and make the changes that need to be made.... I hope!
I am just exhausted. Tired. Disorganised. Disappointed.
And it's NO WONDER!!!!!!
My life has been SO full on! It is such a wonder that I am standing at all really!
About 18 months ago I was pretty much at a breaking point in my life... My first child was just over a year - and I was exhausted, plus feeling a bit disillusioned with my life... fighting with my husband, my depression kicked in again and I was suffering...
Then everything changed: my husband got very sick - and I switched into emergency coping mode. I realised how much I really did love him, all the other 'little' problems were pushed aside... including my 'depression' (Ha! Go figure!?? I don't get it either.. I wasn't faking being 'depressed' - but I kind of didn't have time for it so I pushed it away)...
Ben's illness changed everything severely... for ever I guess. It made us think differently... We quickly re-evaluated our lives and looked at making a change that we had been talking about for quite a while.... Whilst on a 'holiday' in Qld to see my family and let the benefit of the good Qld sun assist Ben whilst he was still on sick-leave - we saw a cute little house in Golden Beach and decided we could buy it! We put in an offer... we still had to sell our house in Parkdale...
Then Ben got sick again - rushed to hospital and eventually diagnosed with MS... Common sense said to let go of our plans to sell our house and move to Qld... yet we decided to go ahead with those stressful plans anyway - because it was what we wanted, despite how hard it would be...
That's what I do a lot. I pick what can seem like quite an impossible goal - something that would be too hard for many people and then I go ahead and try and do it anyway! Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. All the time I put in tremendous effort - and when there are a spare few moments of time I have a bit of a mental breakdown.
I am not too good at looking after myself.... And I guess I need to start learning that. That needs to be my priority NOW.
What a crazy 17 months I have had... Ben got ill - that went on for a few months before finally being diagnosed... we bought a house in Qld, we (I) sold our house in Melbourne... I got pregnant... moved to Qld, morning sickness kicked in so I felt really crap right through the heat of Qld's summer... we lived in a tiny-weeny house for 12 months (yes, the new one that we had bought was an old holiday-shack), we then DESIGNED AND BUILT A NEW HOUSE! (And anyone who has ever done that will know how full-on that is!!!) - oh yes, pregnant with number two mind you!
We actually signed our final contract with our builder and the bank just hours before I gave birth to my son Curtis... After a few days' 'rest' in hospital it was back home to our tiny old shack whilst the back-yard became a construction site!!!
Darling baby Curtis can fortunately sleep through anything!
Now Curtis is 6 months old (as of yesterday) - we moved into our NEW house officially on Christmas Eve... Somehow I decorated our house for Christmas, organised all the Santa stuff for the kids, plus had a family Christmas dinner at our new house... The day after we moved out of our tiny little shack our tenants Donna and Tom moved in..
We have been in our house a month now - and there is still SOOOO much to do!
Two weeks ago I decided to actively try to start my new business: A Little Creative...
I am not sleeping well with Curtis - he wakes minimum twice through the night for feeds.. he will not take a bottle. During the day he is much more active, and needs constant entertainment. My two and 3/4 year old Tilly is VERY full on!
End result: I have realised that now is NOT the time to try and start up my business!!!! (er duh!). I am exhausted, very disappointed, and I'm feeling over all the work there is to do of setting up and getting established in a new house - especially when there is NO SPARE TIME to do anything.. I am feeling quite over being a mother, though I love my kids so much... Hence, many, many meltdowns at the moment.
I need to chill. I need to look after myself... It's something I'm not very good at and I barely know where to start!
I guess from now this blog will perhaps be about that... Me trying to look after myself.. Trying to find something else other than writing about my miserable life to make me happy!
And I KNOW I have SOOO much! I have so many wonderful things to be happy about!!!!
I don't want to be burnt out and over everything!!!! I don't want to cry anymore.
I want to be me. I want to be happy. I'm a mum, and I'm a great one... I need to smile and shine - and somehow swing a bit more self-nurturing my way!
I believe I can do it :) - I'm going to try :) xxxxxoooooo
PS - my business will get started, but when Curtis is a little bit older - and sleeping through the night at least!
Any which way, I have reached a bit of a breaking point this past week... Lots of tears being shed... But don't panic. I do have lots of loving support... I will get there in the end.. I have had worse breakdowns before (I think?) - I think this time I have caught it a little bit earlier on, and I will be able to ask for help and make the changes that need to be made.... I hope!
I am just exhausted. Tired. Disorganised. Disappointed.
And it's NO WONDER!!!!!!
My life has been SO full on! It is such a wonder that I am standing at all really!
About 18 months ago I was pretty much at a breaking point in my life... My first child was just over a year - and I was exhausted, plus feeling a bit disillusioned with my life... fighting with my husband, my depression kicked in again and I was suffering...
Then everything changed: my husband got very sick - and I switched into emergency coping mode. I realised how much I really did love him, all the other 'little' problems were pushed aside... including my 'depression' (Ha! Go figure!?? I don't get it either.. I wasn't faking being 'depressed' - but I kind of didn't have time for it so I pushed it away)...
Ben's illness changed everything severely... for ever I guess. It made us think differently... We quickly re-evaluated our lives and looked at making a change that we had been talking about for quite a while.... Whilst on a 'holiday' in Qld to see my family and let the benefit of the good Qld sun assist Ben whilst he was still on sick-leave - we saw a cute little house in Golden Beach and decided we could buy it! We put in an offer... we still had to sell our house in Parkdale...
Then Ben got sick again - rushed to hospital and eventually diagnosed with MS... Common sense said to let go of our plans to sell our house and move to Qld... yet we decided to go ahead with those stressful plans anyway - because it was what we wanted, despite how hard it would be...
That's what I do a lot. I pick what can seem like quite an impossible goal - something that would be too hard for many people and then I go ahead and try and do it anyway! Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. All the time I put in tremendous effort - and when there are a spare few moments of time I have a bit of a mental breakdown.
I am not too good at looking after myself.... And I guess I need to start learning that. That needs to be my priority NOW.
What a crazy 17 months I have had... Ben got ill - that went on for a few months before finally being diagnosed... we bought a house in Qld, we (I) sold our house in Melbourne... I got pregnant... moved to Qld, morning sickness kicked in so I felt really crap right through the heat of Qld's summer... we lived in a tiny-weeny house for 12 months (yes, the new one that we had bought was an old holiday-shack), we then DESIGNED AND BUILT A NEW HOUSE! (And anyone who has ever done that will know how full-on that is!!!) - oh yes, pregnant with number two mind you!
We actually signed our final contract with our builder and the bank just hours before I gave birth to my son Curtis... After a few days' 'rest' in hospital it was back home to our tiny old shack whilst the back-yard became a construction site!!!
Darling baby Curtis can fortunately sleep through anything!
Now Curtis is 6 months old (as of yesterday) - we moved into our NEW house officially on Christmas Eve... Somehow I decorated our house for Christmas, organised all the Santa stuff for the kids, plus had a family Christmas dinner at our new house... The day after we moved out of our tiny little shack our tenants Donna and Tom moved in..
We have been in our house a month now - and there is still SOOOO much to do!
Two weeks ago I decided to actively try to start my new business: A Little Creative...
I am not sleeping well with Curtis - he wakes minimum twice through the night for feeds.. he will not take a bottle. During the day he is much more active, and needs constant entertainment. My two and 3/4 year old Tilly is VERY full on!
End result: I have realised that now is NOT the time to try and start up my business!!!! (er duh!). I am exhausted, very disappointed, and I'm feeling over all the work there is to do of setting up and getting established in a new house - especially when there is NO SPARE TIME to do anything.. I am feeling quite over being a mother, though I love my kids so much... Hence, many, many meltdowns at the moment.
I need to chill. I need to look after myself... It's something I'm not very good at and I barely know where to start!
I guess from now this blog will perhaps be about that... Me trying to look after myself.. Trying to find something else other than writing about my miserable life to make me happy!
And I KNOW I have SOOO much! I have so many wonderful things to be happy about!!!!
I don't want to be burnt out and over everything!!!! I don't want to cry anymore.
I want to be me. I want to be happy. I'm a mum, and I'm a great one... I need to smile and shine - and somehow swing a bit more self-nurturing my way!
I believe I can do it :) - I'm going to try :) xxxxxoooooo
PS - my business will get started, but when Curtis is a little bit older - and sleeping through the night at least!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Aaaaahhhhhh!!!
Gee, where do I start...?
It is the 'end' (ha! Not really the end... it is never the end!) of another long tiring day with the kids... My husband has come home from work and I have off-loaded them onto him for a half an hour whilst I have a much needed cuppa tea and a few moments WITHOUT THE KIDS!!!!!
Even so - they are all nearby I can hear a bit of chaos going on in the kitchen... hmmm just tune out...
So, sorry... that I am about to whinge and moan and grizzle and grouse... and many people will think what the hell is she going on about... but F*(&$#*($&()&)& - flipping bloody darn friggin hell!!!! Being a stay at home is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard!!
Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes... Any mum who has recently gone through a hard day or a hard moment will no doubt know what I mean... No-one else would.
This is my time to vent!! And it probably won't make much sense.. none of it makes much sense... Really, who in their right mind could imagine that staying home all day and looking after a 2 and 3/4 year old and an almost 6 month old could be so hard... Ha! Maybe some sensible, sane mums do understand it is so hard... But no, not me.. I am obviously nowhere near sane because every day I make the mistake of thinking that it should be a bit easier!
Don't get me wrong. Nothing went disasterously wrong. No-one is injured (apart from me perhaps - as Tilly has quite taken to giving me a few kicks and whacks when she feels like being particularly moody, and little Curtis has a super-strong grip - so everyday I am losing hair at quite a fast little handful rate...), there were no notable disasters (not counting Curtis lying on the nappy change table and taking the opportunity to spray wee as far as possible across the playroom, and me trying to set up the inflatable water slide and realising it is quite a difficult thing to do... especially when the hose is broken..), it was just a 'normal' day... better than normal probably... we even have a couple of successful craft projects to show at the end of the day, and the kitchen is clean - and the rest of the house... not too much worse than it started out...
But OMG I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!! I'M REALLY SORRY TO SAY THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T HANDLE BEING A STAY AT HOME MUM! IT IS SO EXHAUSTING, SO UNREWARDING, SO BRAIN-NUMBING AND HORRENDOUS.
There. I've said it. I hate it. I have tried and tried as hard as I can for 2 and 3/4 years now. I have always known I don't really like it and I would choose to work a couple of days a week if I could... Now I am utterly desperate!! Someone please take my kids off my hands for 5 mins... 10 mins, half an hour, a day, a week!!! Any period of time at all and I will be so, so grateful!!!!!!
I am just exhausted. I am over it. I am depressed that I feel this way too, and of course guilty...
I always seem to do things the hardest way possible... So yeah, in order to try and get back some sanity I am planning to start up my new business this year - and hopefully in the not too far future I will be able to escape from my kids for some periods of time.. I will be able to wave goodbye (or hand them over kicking and screaming) and walk out the door and into my art studio - to either make some products, do some organisation and orders, conduct a workshop.. or something else. Oh how I long for it!!!
But of course, reality check is that right now... starting up my business is a heck of lot of hard work, there is lots to do before I can open the doors of my studio to the public.. and of course start to earn some money... But I am dreaming of it.. and I have started on the journey. I have childcare organised for the next three days (family day care for Tilly tomorrow, then a nanny helping me out the other days)... so no matter how slow my 'business' progress may seem to be - at least it is work! Work that I want to do! Work that uses by brain and my skills, and recognises me as a person, not just a mother.
Because being a mother is the HARDEST job on earth!
I have survived today... probably quite well from anyone's external point of view... but my god it has taken it's toll on my own sanity!
Well, my half an hour is up! I've just drained the last drop of my cuppa tea... I guess I will have to mosey on back into my real life again.. Or maybe I'll just hide for a little bit longer :)
PS. I do love my kids so, so much! Some days are absolutely great! Many moments of today were great too... I want to escape a little bit from my children, but I also do not want to work full-time either. I am trying very hard to find the 'right' balance for all of us.
It is the 'end' (ha! Not really the end... it is never the end!) of another long tiring day with the kids... My husband has come home from work and I have off-loaded them onto him for a half an hour whilst I have a much needed cuppa tea and a few moments WITHOUT THE KIDS!!!!!
Even so - they are all nearby I can hear a bit of chaos going on in the kitchen... hmmm just tune out...
So, sorry... that I am about to whinge and moan and grizzle and grouse... and many people will think what the hell is she going on about... but F*(&$#*($&()&)& - flipping bloody darn friggin hell!!!! Being a stay at home is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard!!
Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes... Any mum who has recently gone through a hard day or a hard moment will no doubt know what I mean... No-one else would.
This is my time to vent!! And it probably won't make much sense.. none of it makes much sense... Really, who in their right mind could imagine that staying home all day and looking after a 2 and 3/4 year old and an almost 6 month old could be so hard... Ha! Maybe some sensible, sane mums do understand it is so hard... But no, not me.. I am obviously nowhere near sane because every day I make the mistake of thinking that it should be a bit easier!
Don't get me wrong. Nothing went disasterously wrong. No-one is injured (apart from me perhaps - as Tilly has quite taken to giving me a few kicks and whacks when she feels like being particularly moody, and little Curtis has a super-strong grip - so everyday I am losing hair at quite a fast little handful rate...), there were no notable disasters (not counting Curtis lying on the nappy change table and taking the opportunity to spray wee as far as possible across the playroom, and me trying to set up the inflatable water slide and realising it is quite a difficult thing to do... especially when the hose is broken..), it was just a 'normal' day... better than normal probably... we even have a couple of successful craft projects to show at the end of the day, and the kitchen is clean - and the rest of the house... not too much worse than it started out...
But OMG I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!! I'M REALLY SORRY TO SAY THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T HANDLE BEING A STAY AT HOME MUM! IT IS SO EXHAUSTING, SO UNREWARDING, SO BRAIN-NUMBING AND HORRENDOUS.
There. I've said it. I hate it. I have tried and tried as hard as I can for 2 and 3/4 years now. I have always known I don't really like it and I would choose to work a couple of days a week if I could... Now I am utterly desperate!! Someone please take my kids off my hands for 5 mins... 10 mins, half an hour, a day, a week!!! Any period of time at all and I will be so, so grateful!!!!!!
I am just exhausted. I am over it. I am depressed that I feel this way too, and of course guilty...
I always seem to do things the hardest way possible... So yeah, in order to try and get back some sanity I am planning to start up my new business this year - and hopefully in the not too far future I will be able to escape from my kids for some periods of time.. I will be able to wave goodbye (or hand them over kicking and screaming) and walk out the door and into my art studio - to either make some products, do some organisation and orders, conduct a workshop.. or something else. Oh how I long for it!!!
But of course, reality check is that right now... starting up my business is a heck of lot of hard work, there is lots to do before I can open the doors of my studio to the public.. and of course start to earn some money... But I am dreaming of it.. and I have started on the journey. I have childcare organised for the next three days (family day care for Tilly tomorrow, then a nanny helping me out the other days)... so no matter how slow my 'business' progress may seem to be - at least it is work! Work that I want to do! Work that uses by brain and my skills, and recognises me as a person, not just a mother.
Because being a mother is the HARDEST job on earth!
I have survived today... probably quite well from anyone's external point of view... but my god it has taken it's toll on my own sanity!
Well, my half an hour is up! I've just drained the last drop of my cuppa tea... I guess I will have to mosey on back into my real life again.. Or maybe I'll just hide for a little bit longer :)
PS. I do love my kids so, so much! Some days are absolutely great! Many moments of today were great too... I want to escape a little bit from my children, but I also do not want to work full-time either. I am trying very hard to find the 'right' balance for all of us.
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