Aaaaahhhhhh!!!

Gee, where do I start...?

It is the 'end' (ha! Not really the end... it is never the end!) of another long tiring day with the kids... My husband has come home from work and I have off-loaded them onto him for a half an hour whilst I have a much needed cuppa tea and a few moments WITHOUT THE KIDS!!!!!

Even so - they are all nearby I can hear a bit of chaos going on in the kitchen... hmmm just tune out...

So, sorry... that I am about to whinge and moan and grizzle and grouse... and many people will think what the hell is she going on about... but F*(&$#*($&()&)& - flipping bloody darn friggin hell!!!! Being a stay at home is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard!!

Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes... Any mum who has recently gone through a hard day or a hard moment will no doubt know what I mean... No-one else would.

This is my time to vent!! And it probably won't make much sense.. none of it makes much sense... Really, who in their right mind could imagine that staying home all day and looking after a 2 and 3/4 year old and an almost 6 month old could be so hard... Ha! Maybe some sensible, sane mums do understand it is so hard... But no, not me.. I am obviously nowhere near sane because every day I make the mistake of thinking that it should be a bit easier!

Don't get me wrong. Nothing went disasterously wrong. No-one is injured (apart from me perhaps - as Tilly has quite taken to giving me a few kicks and whacks when she feels like being particularly moody, and little Curtis has a super-strong grip - so everyday I am losing hair at quite a fast little handful rate...), there were no notable disasters (not counting Curtis lying on the nappy change table and taking the opportunity to spray wee as far as possible across the playroom, and me trying to set up the inflatable water slide and realising it is quite a difficult thing to do... especially when the hose is broken..), it was just a 'normal' day... better than normal probably... we even have a couple of successful craft projects to show at the end of the day, and the kitchen is clean - and the rest of the house... not too much worse than it started out...

But OMG I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!! I'M REALLY SORRY TO SAY THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T HANDLE BEING A STAY AT HOME MUM! IT IS SO EXHAUSTING, SO UNREWARDING, SO BRAIN-NUMBING AND HORRENDOUS.

There. I've said it. I hate it. I have tried and tried as hard as I can for 2 and 3/4 years now. I have always known I don't really like it and I would choose to work a couple of days a week if I could... Now I am utterly desperate!! Someone please take my kids off my hands for 5 mins... 10 mins, half an hour, a day, a week!!! Any period of time at all and I will be so, so grateful!!!!!!

I am just exhausted. I am over it. I am depressed that I feel this way too, and of course guilty...

I always seem to do things the hardest way possible... So yeah, in order to try and get back some sanity I am planning to start up my new business this year - and hopefully in the not too far future I will be able to escape from my kids for some periods of time.. I will be able to wave goodbye (or hand them over kicking and screaming) and walk out the door and into my art studio - to either make some products, do some organisation and orders, conduct a workshop.. or something else. Oh how I long for it!!!

But of course, reality check is that right now... starting up my business is a heck of lot of hard work, there is lots to do before I can open the doors of my studio to the public.. and of course start to earn some money... But I am dreaming of it.. and I have started on the journey. I have childcare organised for the next three days (family day care for Tilly tomorrow, then a nanny helping me out the other days)... so no matter how slow my 'business' progress may seem to be - at least it is work! Work that I want to do! Work that uses by brain and my skills, and recognises me as a person, not just a mother.

Because being a mother is the HARDEST job on earth!

I have survived today... probably quite well from anyone's external point of view... but my god it has taken it's toll on my own sanity!

Well, my half an hour is up! I've just drained the last drop of my cuppa tea... I guess I will have to mosey on back into my real life again.. Or maybe I'll just hide for a little bit longer :)

PS. I do love my kids so, so much! Some days are absolutely great! Many moments of today were great too... I want to escape a little bit from my children, but I also do not want to work full-time either. I am trying very hard to find the 'right' balance for all of us.