Okay, maybe they are all mega meltdowns at the moment... a mini meltdown is just wishful thinking perhaps!???
Any which way, I have reached a bit of a breaking point this past week... Lots of tears being shed... But don't panic. I do have lots of loving support... I will get there in the end.. I have had worse breakdowns before (I think?) - I think this time I have caught it a little bit earlier on, and I will be able to ask for help and make the changes that need to be made.... I hope!
I am just exhausted. Tired. Disorganised. Disappointed.
And it's NO WONDER!!!!!!
My life has been SO full on! It is such a wonder that I am standing at all really!
About 18 months ago I was pretty much at a breaking point in my life... My first child was just over a year - and I was exhausted, plus feeling a bit disillusioned with my life... fighting with my husband, my depression kicked in again and I was suffering...
Then everything changed: my husband got very sick - and I switched into emergency coping mode. I realised how much I really did love him, all the other 'little' problems were pushed aside... including my 'depression' (Ha! Go figure!?? I don't get it either.. I wasn't faking being 'depressed' - but I kind of didn't have time for it so I pushed it away)...
Ben's illness changed everything severely... for ever I guess. It made us think differently... We quickly re-evaluated our lives and looked at making a change that we had been talking about for quite a while.... Whilst on a 'holiday' in Qld to see my family and let the benefit of the good Qld sun assist Ben whilst he was still on sick-leave - we saw a cute little house in Golden Beach and decided we could buy it! We put in an offer... we still had to sell our house in Parkdale...
Then Ben got sick again - rushed to hospital and eventually diagnosed with MS... Common sense said to let go of our plans to sell our house and move to Qld... yet we decided to go ahead with those stressful plans anyway - because it was what we wanted, despite how hard it would be...
That's what I do a lot. I pick what can seem like quite an impossible goal - something that would be too hard for many people and then I go ahead and try and do it anyway! Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. All the time I put in tremendous effort - and when there are a spare few moments of time I have a bit of a mental breakdown.
I am not too good at looking after myself.... And I guess I need to start learning that. That needs to be my priority NOW.
What a crazy 17 months I have had... Ben got ill - that went on for a few months before finally being diagnosed... we bought a house in Qld, we (I) sold our house in Melbourne... I got pregnant... moved to Qld, morning sickness kicked in so I felt really crap right through the heat of Qld's summer... we lived in a tiny-weeny house for 12 months (yes, the new one that we had bought was an old holiday-shack), we then DESIGNED AND BUILT A NEW HOUSE! (And anyone who has ever done that will know how full-on that is!!!) - oh yes, pregnant with number two mind you!
We actually signed our final contract with our builder and the bank just hours before I gave birth to my son Curtis... After a few days' 'rest' in hospital it was back home to our tiny old shack whilst the back-yard became a construction site!!!
Darling baby Curtis can fortunately sleep through anything!
Now Curtis is 6 months old (as of yesterday) - we moved into our NEW house officially on Christmas Eve... Somehow I decorated our house for Christmas, organised all the Santa stuff for the kids, plus had a family Christmas dinner at our new house... The day after we moved out of our tiny little shack our tenants Donna and Tom moved in..
We have been in our house a month now - and there is still SOOOO much to do!
Two weeks ago I decided to actively try to start my new business: A Little Creative...
I am not sleeping well with Curtis - he wakes minimum twice through the night for feeds.. he will not take a bottle. During the day he is much more active, and needs constant entertainment. My two and 3/4 year old Tilly is VERY full on!
End result: I have realised that now is NOT the time to try and start up my business!!!! (er duh!). I am exhausted, very disappointed, and I'm feeling over all the work there is to do of setting up and getting established in a new house - especially when there is NO SPARE TIME to do anything.. I am feeling quite over being a mother, though I love my kids so much... Hence, many, many meltdowns at the moment.
I need to chill. I need to look after myself... It's something I'm not very good at and I barely know where to start!
I guess from now this blog will perhaps be about that... Me trying to look after myself.. Trying to find something else other than writing about my miserable life to make me happy!
And I KNOW I have SOOO much! I have so many wonderful things to be happy about!!!!
I don't want to be burnt out and over everything!!!! I don't want to cry anymore.
I want to be me. I want to be happy. I'm a mum, and I'm a great one... I need to smile and shine - and somehow swing a bit more self-nurturing my way!
I believe I can do it :) - I'm going to try :) xxxxxoooooo
PS - my business will get started, but when Curtis is a little bit older - and sleeping through the night at least!
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