Need to find some new 'speed' or 'mode' settings...

Generally I only know two speeds: 'flat-out' doing everything at once (and generally way too much); or 'collapse' - when it all gets too hard, I get exhausted and I fall in a heap.

Neither is very healthy, I know.

Today I am in 'collapse' mode.

I just read my last post - and it is completely right! - I have to change, I need to change and I actually am starting to change my perspective on everything.. for the better. But just 'thinking' in a different way, although it is the necessary first step, doesn't follow-on naturally that I am then able to behave easily in a way to suit my new thinking.

Yep. My perspective on my life, my work (and that elusive 'balance' of both) is changing... but now it's obvious that I need to somehow create 'new habits' for myself as the old ones don't fit!!

Right now - (having stepped away from 'doing too much' and putting pressure on myself about all the business things that I could, should, would normally try to do) - I am at a bit of a loss - because I have been used to operating at just two crazy speeds.

Naturally I tend to think: "Oh my gawd. I just can't do it. My business is going to all collapse, because I just don't feel like doing anything (I need a break)." I have been feeling teary...

But it's not the end. It's just a change.. and I need to get used to doing things differently...

I guess I need to add speeds such as:
- slowly getting there
- currently resting
- looking after me
- family time
- not today
etc.

It's okay Lindy... it's just a change. And big 'pat on the back' for me for making healthier changes!!! xo

Expectations of myself as a MUM...

I have struggled since DAY ONE (nearly 5 and a half years ago now) at being a mum. Don't get me wrong, I have always been a pretty darn good one I reckon - but there was something in my head that just hadn't figured it out.. hadn't realised that being a Mum comes first above everything else... that I will never, ever step away from it. That I must completely and utterly surrender to it - and learn to figure out everything else around it.

Being a MUM means being the support-team for your whole family. Everyday. In every way. If I don't do that 'job' of being the support person.. then everything pretty much falls apart!

I get it that the 'pit-crew' for a successful car-racing team are just as important, if not more important than the actually driver.

When I became a mum - I essentially became the pit-crew... and I guess my husband is the driver... but I have never really been able to accept it. (I'm an AWFUL passenger-seat driver!!)

I was talking to my friend the other day, having a heart-to-heart about how I feel - and we were both very much on the same page as we are both creative people struggling with our creative businesses and juggling that with the demands of motherhood.

I realized that in my head there is "ME" and there is "me as a MUM" and that the two roles didn't really sit well together... I saw them separately somewhat - or at least with some sort of major struggle between the two.

Perhaps it is just today.. perhaps I will forget it all tomorrow.. But I do feel as though I am finally seeing things differently for the first time - the way I 'should' see them perhaps.

My parents have always told me: "Being a mum is a full-time job" - and I have brushed the comment off... I have wanted to deny it... I have wanted to be "Independent Me" who could still work, and have my own unique identity that is separate from me being a mum.

Yes I have my business that I have struggled and worked so hard for... But I feel that I can now "let go" of wanting to control that so much, of wanting that to define me.. I feel like I can let it exist in the position that it needs to exist - and that is BELOW my role as a mum, and not linked so much to my own identity... just more as what I choose to do, what I am doing, and what I am slowly growing - at the pace that I can manage it around my family commitments.

I don't want to struggle so much anymore.

I want to look after myself. I want to be happy. I want to be a loving and fun mum, and even (GROAN) someone who keeps the household in order and cleans up, prepares meals, runs around doing chores and errands and doing all the things that a mum does to keep everything together and functioning for my family.

Yes, there are a zillion and one different definitions of what it is to be a mother.. And a working mum is no less a mum than one who stays at home full-time. But just for me - I think I have been fighting with it all for too long. I haven't been being the mum I am supposed to be... I've been trying to do too much - and at the end of the day I have been suffering hugely.

I am lucky that my husband earns enough money to support the family... I am unlucky that he has MS and thus the future of his health is hugely questionable... But right now, I am going to stop trying to burn the candle at both ends... I am going to ease up on myself - and be a fun and happy mum who does what she can - and gives herself time to enjoy life too!

I was working too hard - working myself into the ground, and it was just horrible! Time to ease up on myself. Be kinder to me, and to let the too high-expectations just completely go: Goodbye!

Thinking too much....???

Ha ha! I couldn't even think about what to call this blog post... I have had several different titles swimming in my head, as I went for a walk and starting thinking about everything...

The reality I am not in a good place at the moment health-wise :(

I am anaemic with very low iron levels... but my biggest problem is not sleeping well...

I am going to do all that I can to change it... One thing I plan to do too - is go see my last psychologist (who I think is awesome!)... because although I think what has got me to this point of insomnia is quite a 'combo-package' of all sorts of things out of whack... definitely there are things on my mind (that are always on my mind) that I could benefit from talking about more....

Here's a brief list (gawd help me!):
- there is NEVER enough friggin time in the day!!!!! - ever since I have become a mum, I have been driving myself bonkers with just trying to do everything. The 'stuff' you have to do: housework etc. is boring and brain numbing... and then spending time with husband and kids and having fun, then my work... and now adding looking after-myself to the list.... I just can't figure out how to do it all!???
- My work - is that the problem??? - So yeah, I run my own business A Little Creative.. I have worked so darn hard on it.. I still am, and it consumes so much of my thoughts and my energy. It seems obvious that this is the one thing that can easily be 'blamed' for getting me out of balance... but the thought of stopping it is out of the question as it means so much to me...
- So obviously I need to SLOW DOWN, try to do less, not take so much on..... but I just don't really even know how. Let's face it, i am not good at it.. It is my pattern..
- With my business I need to PRIORITISE more: I have been trying to do way too much, I have been slowly pushing and dragging everything into 3 main directions... but it is very hard for me to figure out what to let go of, how to FOCUS and keep it all going in the smartest possible way.
- I put too much pressure on myself / my expectations are too high... er duh!
- I keep having NEW IDEAS!!! - yep... that's the real doozie problem, my mind is full of fabulous ideas (okay maybe not ALL of them - but a high percentage) - way more than i can physically do... I have lots of trouble sorting through them all and keeping on track..
- I am worried that I am not 'letting go' of some of my older ideas - the initial foundations of my business - when maybe the new ideas are 'smarter' but I'm not getting to do them because i am still doing everything else...
- Apart from business, there is Ben... Ben has MS - probably I have not properly dealt with my feelings about that... I know that his MS fuels me to push myself harder and try to make my business more successful sooner... That, and also wanting to 'help' Ben by taking over the financial reins - if not because of his illness, just so that I am releasing him from the burden of being the bread-winner.

Hmmmm, have I run out 'problems' already!?? That's good... I thought I would be able to go on for ages....

So really the biggest problems are all to do with my work, and just figuring out how to take things easier, be patient and focussed... and I just need to change my perspective on a few things quite a bit.

If I could just get a good night's sleep on a regular basis - then it would all probably seem a lot clearer...

Lately though I am stressing because I am not sleeping well, and it is making everything harder.. and I feel as though it is all my own fault!

I guess it's just a stormy patch I'm travelling through... and I just need to keep sailing... xo

Oh what a night...

So, the reality is I am getting older...

I have just had my 38th birthday, which also coincided with it being 20 years since finishing high-school!

A Facebook group was formed at the start of the year, and a 20 year reunion was planned for Saturday October 26th at the Royal in Mornington.

A couple of months leading up to the reunion it was quite up in the air whether I would attend or not.. I had definitely wanted to, and had already purchased a ticket... but with plans to sign up for a shop lease I was going to have to give it a miss I thought..

When the shop didn't go ahead, we then thought the whole family could travel down for a week or so break to catch up with family and friends... but it ended up that Ben's parents have bought a house in Maleny and were headed up here at the exact same time.

In the end - I travelled down to Melbourne on my own - arriving there on Thurs 24th Oct, and heading back home on Monday 28th.

ON MY OWN!!!

Wow - the reality of that was way more exciting than the whole reunion thing! - The prospect of having four whole nights to sleep on my own, to be able to pack just my own bags and not a kazillion other things for everyone else... the thought of enjoying some time to myself on the aeroplane, ready a magazine and enjoying a drink - instead of having to be action-packed ready to please and comfort a young child whose needs always come before my own... Yep, just the THOUGHT of it all was pure bliss!

But, sadly, as often can happen - the reality of my trip was not quite as I had planned and hoped... I was utterly exhausted and a bit frazzled and disorganized as I left - having not had enough time to properly organise work things as I had hoped, and as usual I was packing my things at the last minute.. I of course felt anxious about how my kids would be without me - if Curtis would really perform and be a nightmare for Ben... if Ben would be able to cope alright (and not injure the kids!) when left on his own with them for a few days. Also I had an infected toe - which just seemed to get even worse when I was away so that on Friday morning (my birthday) in melbourne instead of heading out into the city and wandering the galleries and cafes and shops as i had hoped, I had to instead go visit a doctor and go to the pharmacy... and hobble around everywhere I went. :(

Oh well. I am used to things not quite going to plan. The good news is that it was absolutely amazing to escape my normal life and just enjoy a few days to myself!!!! Of course I LOVE my kids, my family, my life... but jeepers, to just be ME for a few days is so awesome, and I definitely have to do it again!

As usual I was running myself into the ground in my normal life... I don't quite know why I am such a 'high-achiever' - or more so: so HARD on myself... and although I seem to be aware of my faults, I find it really hard to change my habits. Leading up to this trip I was quite utterly shattered.. I have been having trouble sleeping for months - existing predominantly on a bout 3-4 hours of broken sleep per night, and somehow just functioning on pure adrenalin I reckon. I went to the doctor again to get bloods taken as I was sure that there was something not right with me, and it turns out that my iron levels have plummeted and I am very anaemic again (almost another 20 year reunion of that!... it's actually 21 years since I was severely ill with anaemia the first time).

So despite all my ailments - I caught up with lots of my friends, stayed with different ones each night - and enjoyed a night in a hotel on my own for the reunion night. I got to sleep in, pamper myself a bit, get dressed up - and have a rare night out.. I though it would be fun, and actually the night did quite exceed my expectations!!

It was a busy, loud and full-on evening - such a blast from the past, so many people to talk to... and it was just plain strange to be out on a rare night out and surrounded with everyone from high-school.

Here's a few pics of me from the night:

with Michael Liddell - who used to go on my school-bus with me...

with Tom Saunders - yeah, don't really need a reunion to catch up seeing though he's now my brother-in-law!

with Marisa who flew out from America for the reunion - yay!!

with Sarah, Isa and Travis...

and finally with Sarah! mwah!!

Even though I came home utterly exhausted, the trip away was the best thing for me. It was exactly what I needed to step out of my normal life and routines and be able to have time to think, sleep a bit more, and return with a new perspective.

I will be starting on fortnightly iron injections this week, and I am currently taking sleeping tablets each night - just so that i can friggin get some much needed sleep.

I think I have changed... I know I just have to do less. Being a mum is just so full-on and I was just trying to do way too much. I've been pushing my business too hard - in the hope that I can earn money quicker and either protect me and my family form the worst-case scenario of Ben having a bad MS attack and being unable to work... or hopefully be able to 'liberate' him from having to work in a job that he is not completely happy with... but meanwhile, i have just been running myself into the ground which is not good for anybody.

I can see all the positives. I can believe in myself and my business and my ideas and my plans.. I can just choose to adjust the pace: live life more at a 'leisurely stroll' pace rather than running like a lunatic in a mad panic.

Yep. I feel a LOT happier.. let's hope I can stick with my newest realizations... and continue forward as a much more sane mummy... xo