Like a moth to a flame...

Oh, I've been doing it again... Going too hard at it..

(I just re-read my August entry: 'Something new to be proud of" - and that really said it all.. I realised it then that I was working too hard and trying to do too much and that I needed to slow down...

I realised it, and probably did it for a week or two.. then slipped back into my usual 'overloaded' habits.

Lucky for me my monthly-cycle likes to remind me with floods of tears if I am pushing myself too hard and ignoring some important issues...

I recently have had a 'new idea' crop up in my crazy never-seeming-to-be-switched-off-business-brain... And I have become quite excited as I have started to write about it and flesh out the idea... and head towards it in my mind... Yes. I do think it is a FAB idea -and a great direction to head in.. But I HAVE TO FACE REALITY. I have to take things slower. The ideas that I have are generally unachievable at this stage of my parenting life - with the very limited amount of time that I have.

Yes, I can see how I so often behave like a moth continuously attracted to the dangerous flame.. when I get 'burnt' I back-off, only to return so soon again.

I am making the decision to back-off now and keep a much safer distance for quite a while! The new idea is something that I can s-l-o-w-l-y develop and squirrel away at.. as much as part of me would love to run straight towards it at a break-neck (stupid and unsustainable) speed.

I am letting go of my studio space which is a HUGE disappointment for me.. but the only sensible decision to relieve the pressure from myself of having to earn money from my business.

I have to face the fact that 'my business' is going to have to operate at a VERY low-key level... like a 'hobby' really.

It makes me feel sad when I have just launched my website - and the potential to push things seems to be greater and greater.. But I am still me. A mum to a three year old and a one year old who are SO time consuming and deserve my focus and attention more than anything else... And ME! - I deserve some time too! I deserve to have the occasional day when the kids are in care and I can decide to do or not do whatever I want to. The way I have been going there has been no space or time at all for me. Just 'to do' lists and priorities and endless things that I feel behind on.

Stuff it all! This stupid moth is going to back off and stop flying in the direction of that light... I'm going to try to enjoy life right where I am - in mummy land where my main priorities are to cook dinner, wash clothes, clean-up a bit and look after myself and my family. I'm not going to think of those chores with contempt.. I'm not going to think that the light (that I wanted) is the golden-source of happiness and wealth (ha!) No. It's false right now. It is something that I can't have yet, and it is damaging me trying to constantly head towards it.