understanding my motivation

More thoughts since my last entry... and a realisation of WHY it is so hard to let go of 'my dreams' of running my own business...

I have spent ages believing that the reasons I was doing all of this was because it was my passion... a desire to work and earn money, etc. etc. I thought it was MY goal for ME... but I realise now that there was more to it than that...

Just over two years ago my husband was diagnosed with MS. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that here... Probably I have, as obviously it has had a huge impact in our lives. So far so good, he is doing quite well health-wise since his two attacks in 2009 which had him in hospital and off work for a few months... but although we hope and pray for the best the reality is that at that the back of our minds we anticipate that Ben's health can deteriorate at any time.

Such intense emotions that my mind has tried to constantly push away.. to keep thinking positively, to always be pragmatic...

I grew up as a hard-working an independent woman. Self-sufficient, is what I always wanted to be. I didn't strive for mega-bucks career wise (heck! - I chose teaching as a profession!) instead I followed passions and interests and always believed that I could earn money for myself...

Becoming a mother changes your finances and independence as an income earner a lot. That's ok. My husband is an aerospace engineer - so his salary alone seemed sufficient to pay our mortgage and living expenses... and I desired to do a bit of work on the side and return to full-time employment perhaps when our children were older. But the bulk of the financial pressures and expectations were on Ben's shoulders as he had the greater income, and I would be the predominantly at-home parent.

Then he became sick. He didn't have any extra income protection insurance...

Yes he's still working full-time now.. though he does struggle with fatigue.. but...what will happen in the future..?

I realise now that my desire to start my own business was largely driven by my desire to have a financial back-up plan.. To try to prove that I CAN earn money - enough money eventually to replace Ben's entire income... And to try and earn it doing something that i want to do. My whole financial future dramatically changed when Ben got sick.

This realisation helps me to just understand myself and WHY I have been a bit like a dog with a bone and so unwilling to face reality that the timing just isn't right for me to be working so hard at my own business.

I can let go of the bone.. it is in mine and my family's best interests for now... And for the future?? Who knows...? But I know that I can and will do whatever it takes to look after my family financially and otherwise - because I have what it takes inside me!