What makes a good mummy? (Or what makes this mummy happy?)

So what makes a good mummy?

How do I dare to even ask that question!? Such a controversial one... I'm not 'fishing for compliments' either... but it is something I am thinking about today... Wondering how I define it...

I think I am a good mummy. I think my kids are awesome and I am doing everything in my power to provide the best for them and be the best for them that I can.... - or am I?..

Don't get me wrong.. I know I'm doing a great job (and what a bloody hard job it is!!) - but after a few days of feeling down... I am wondering if I am perhaps just looking at things slightly wrong.. If I am being limited by my pre-conceived (and perhaps quite unrealistic) ideas about what a good mother "should" do...

I have always struggled with motherhood - right from day one (hence the reason for this blog)... I think physically and externally all that I have done to fulfill my parenting responsibilities has been fine: definately meets the 'criteria' if there is one - and often goes above and beyond, perhaps?... But mentally I have always struggled. I am often not happy - though I try really, really hard to be. I try so hard to find the right 'balance' - to make myself happy -plus also meet my own expectations of myself as a mother... usually somewhere along the line I get burned out and realise that I am not in balance.. I have been doing too much and wearing myself out. So I try to take things a bit slower, I back off, lower my expectations of myself, try to face each day  more simply... perhaps draw up yet another ideal 'schedule' or plan for myself... and before long I have repeated the same 'mistakes' again.

 (This diagram makes me think that I am just complicating everything and not seeing properly what I want - instead get side-tracked...)

I want to work. I have been saying for over three years now that "I am NOT cut out to be a full-time stay at home mum"... But also in my mind (due to my own morals and values?) I refuse to put my children into too much child-care... Two days each a week I can psychologically handle and accept as being okay.. My daughter was in care for 3 days for a term this year when she started 2 days at kindy (not full-days, mind you) - and I felt VERY guilty about that - as the third day tipped me over my 'acceptable threshold'...

Yes, I am critical of mums who put their children into full-time in care.. I don't want to that myself.

But for the first time I'm thinking: "what if?"...

What if I did put my 15 month old (who at this age is the most time-consuming and generally prevents me from doing pretty much everything I want to do and that is practical to do i.e cleaning the house, cooking etc.) into a bit more child-care? Would one or two more days of him in care make much of a difference to ME and how I felt about myself and my life if I could actually DO more of the things that I want to??

How could I ever accept that or live with myself?? - to be honest I don't think I could. I have my head firmly stuck in the 'numbers' of childcare hours/days... Somehow I've drawn an 'acceptable' line in my mind and I can't seem to change that.

Indeed I am a very stubborn person.

I'm just wondering about everything... I wish I could just stop.

A lot of things about my life do make me happy, and a lot of things don't.

I feel as though my life (and my happiness) should be simpler than it currently is... and that the only 'problem' is ME just getting things all a bit wrong somehow..

I know it is just ME and my perception...So many things like this I 'know' intellectually - but just struggle to translate into the reality of my own life. I am trying hard, that's all I know... even if I keep making the same or similar 'mistakes'...