A little bit down again...

My beautiful daughter started school this week - 2 days ago now.. so my emotions have been very much on edge! If I was feeling a little bit better - then this would be a lovely post about her and the whole starting school thing.. and the many pics that have been taken... That post will hopefully be the next one!

Instead this one is a 'glum' one - sorry!

I was quite aggro on the weekend (being quite angry towards my husband - who was, in my opinion, being a sh*t as usual)... When Tilly started school, I did wonder if perhaps I was burying some of my emotions and letting them out in another way!??

Ben has also been feeling unwell - and I get irritated by his over-reaction to ailments and having his mind go into a negative spin assuming/fearing the worst - rather than just being optimistic and going to the doctor and getting things checked out before reacting...

But it seems I am just as guilty in my own way! - Today Ben did go to the doctor to share his concerns about a racing heart, feeling breathless/difficulty breathing... The doctor sent him off to get some more tests done: an ultrasound of the heart and an x-ray. Ben of course freaked out, so I went with him to the medical imaging centre - telling him off for his negative response the whole way... It's probably nothing! Don't overreact! Don't be so negative....

He will go the GP for results in a couple of days...

And what has happened to me!? - I've had an emotional crash! er duh!! But honest to god - how the hell would we cope if there was something else wrong with him?? The 'pressures' of my business decisions and choices came thwacking back at me - the real effing reason that I am doing most of what I am trying to do is because I am afraid that I may have to be the main money-earner... I have started a business in the guise of  'fun' - and following my interests and passions.. but with a humungous (and unrealistic!?) agenda. I want to earn lots of money, and 'save' us all financially - as well as creating work that I enjoy and that is child-friendly/part-time, family-friendly etc., etc. And the reality is that it's just too fucking hard... I've burnt myself out the past year.. as I take a step 'back' it does feel SO good to not have to do anything much.. to take things day by day, to just focus on family and normal stuff... I have quite an inkling that the nature of business will change dramatically after taking a break to think.. because any which way that I look at all my plans and notes and ideas of what I am doing/trying to do/wanting to do - it all seems way too much. All I know is that I want to slow down. I want to do less... and the thought that 'maybe' I will have to work a lot harder a lot sooner because of my husband's health - is a bit earth shattering to me!..

And yeah, the bottom line is that I am completely over-reacting - and much more guilty of it, than even Ben was today!

But maybe sometimes just letting out the tears is perfectly normal. I am human. I am scared. I am worried... and if anything actually is wrong I will be quite devastated. I feel a bit like I do with the news of my Dad's cancer returning last year - completely shattered.. unable to easily cope with any more medical problems.... It has been a rough few years... and it just can be upsetting. xo

Meltdown...(or falling down the rabbit-hole!)

Yes it is HOT! - But my current meltdown has nothing to do with the weather... As my previous posts indicate (and the last one was complete nonsense and drivel I think!), I am worn out and I need a break.

But I'm not really too good at doing that!!??

Today I had a couple of hours to myself - so as soon as I could (after doing a few necessary emails and phone calls) I headed into the artroom - just to do something!

(Here's what I did):

 An 'Alice In Wonderland' painting - NOT FINISHED YET! - needs to dry and then I can add in more details... but I started to cut up an old picture book yesterday at the Brown Owl's craft group... and this picture of Alice falling just really feels like me at the moment! This quote in particular:

I know I am not in a MAJOR (depressive) meltdown - which is awesome.. but to be honest, I think I am a lot closer to 'break-down' than I realised... so I am just very glad that I decided to put on the brakes and slow my life down before I did have a major crash..

But WHAT to do with myself now??? I don't really know.. There is a simplified agenda and goals for work-related stuff. But to be honest I just don't want to think about work at all for a while. I just want a complete break.. So apart from exercise and doing a bit of household stuff I guess I just HAVE TO DO SOME ART!!!!

So here's a rushed pastel picture I did illustrating that:

 
To be honest I have no idea what 'MY ART' is meant to be, or meant to look like... I barely know where to start.. But I KNOW that I have to!
I have spent so many years not letting myself focus on my art... having lots of distractions, not enough time... lots of excuses.

Now I have a whole art studio completely set-up... I am giving myself some time.. so I just have to do it! I find it very frustrating to be a creative person... I am very eclectic and diverse with my ideas and my interests and I never really know where to start... but I have to and I will..

So perhaps this blog will become a bit more about that journey for a while.. I hope so.

I do know I need to paint. I also need to just start sketching and drawing more. I have always liked 'mixed media' and recycled/assemblage pieces... I also love working in ceramics..

I think I will focus on just 'doing' to certain extent.. Letting myself sketch, paint and draw whatever...  Pattern, colour are important to me right now... also people: being a mother..

I do find the whole "point" of doing art quite difficult.. If someone gives me a 'brief' or a frame-work I can have fun working well within that... that's why I tend to like 'design' more than 'art' - my mind likes to think about creating 'products' more than 'art pieces'.
But I have to start down this new 'arty-farty' path... one where things often don't make any sense at all... A bit like Alice in her Wonderland really!

New directions?... and the same old problems.

So, its a 'new year', a 'new start'... and I have given myself a 'new lease on life' by aiming to take a break and take things slower.....

Hmm what now!? As usual my brain is wanting to explore new ideas and solutions... it is wanting to get the ball rolling and determine where I am headed and head there with my usual gusto... So really, I wonder if anything has actually changed?

As I am typing right now, I am squished in at my super messy desk - I rest my fore-arms on a scattered pile of papers that I haven't even bothered to move... the reality is that in so many ways my life is a complete and utter mess! - It can get me down.

Still, I reckon I am heading somewhere, and this year will be a pretty good one - with hopefully a lot more obvious progress to be shown by the end of it.. I do have a lot of belief in myself, and think that I am on the precipice of a lot of my ideas and hard work soon to be about to 'pay-off'... but of course, despite a good dose of 'confidence' - there is always a side dish of 'self-doubt'! - which I do try hard to ignore...

I think I am allowed to be a 'mess' at the moment, because the reality is that I haven't had any time whatsoever to try and get myself out of my mess! - and I believe that in the next few weeks I will be able to see myself slowly crawling out of it.
 
Right now I am still quite busy with the current school holiday classes - there was another great workshop today which Sandi ran (pencil case decorating). Next week is Tilly's last week before starting school so every spare amount of time that I have is going to spending fun quality time with her, and also doing the list of things that need to be done i.e. buying school shoes, etc!

To be honest, I guess I am just that little bit scared... I know the right thing for me to do is to 'take a break' to let my focus be on more normal family stuff: Tilly starting school is such a big deal and I want my mind to have 100% focus on that without distractions... I want to take a break, make time for exercise and cleaning the house more.. etc. etc... I know all of those things are important and what I want to do - but changing the way I have been focusing on my business, 'taking my eye off the ball' does make me wonder if I am at risk of dropping the ball completely. Stupid thoughts really. I know that. But they're there in the background none-the-less.

All I know is that this term will be a chance for me to take a break, to catch up on all the 'boring' things that need to be done (eg. my invoices, financial planning, organization on so many levels), building my on-line shop and getting my kits ready for sale. That is exciting, and I CAN do it - I am looking forward to doing it (I think).

The reality is - that although I have been busy doing SO much - sometimes being busy doing the things I choose to do is really a good way of avoiding doing other things... and I wonder if I really do have the right self-discipline to focus on doing the 'boring' things.

I struggle hugely with being a stay-at-home-mum. I always have... but part of me now really does want to focus more on the stay-at home stuff.. but I don't know if I really can cope with that... My  mind oscillates between wondering if I should slow down and back off from my business hugely - or should I just face the fact that I don't like being a SAHM, and just decide to work full-time on it! - Aaah the extremes.. the reality is I am quite somewhere in the middle, and I  just have to keep going and figure it all out as I go along.
I hate being an 'all-or-nothing' person. I guess I can change that if I want to... But I am 37 years old, and really I do have a LOT of ingrained habits. I like to think I can change... but can I really?

This is turning into quite a ramble... What I am trying to say is that I still have a lot of fears, and a lot of unknowns... No longer am I walking along a path that was fueled just by my ideas and passion.. and trying to 'prove that I can'.. it seems that the further I walk, the more carefully I have to tread - as more is at stake... more people are involved... Probably I am just taking myself way too seriously and completely need to chill!!

Aaahhhhhh....

Oh yes, quite a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!

As I mentioned last week - the fabulous idea struck me: I could decide to take Term 1 off and re-start my classes for Term 2! The more I thought about it - the more I knew it was absolutely the right decision for me to make.. so (after consulting with a few other people - who agreed it would be great for me) - I did it! Sent out emails Monday and Tues.. and in general a lot of quite supportive feedback, and I am UTTERLY relieved, and VERY pleased with myself for making that decision!

I had just one day this week when my kids were in childcare - and it felt quite weird to not have a kazillion and one work things that needed to be done. Instead I have about 150 household things 'to do' and yes I wrote down a bit of a list and did almost a third.. oh well.

It was good though. Always, always, always I have trouble dealing with the reality of how quickly time speeds by (time without my children that is!) and trying to set some reasonable tasks for myself to do - or even just relax (ha! what is that again!??)...

But really, the hugest break-through is that I am for once taking the right steps towards finding more balance for myself. I believe this year will be quite a turning point for me. In the past I have coped with 'me' time by either falling into a depressive/anxious heap - or being highly motivated to work on some enormous idea and trying to do a million things at once.. Yes I still have a million and one ideas - but hopefully I can tackle them in a logical and Lindy-friendly fashion.

Curtis is well again - thank goodness!

A couple of holiday classes during the week went well: Wednesday I was at Appleseed Lane Boutique doing shell collages.

 

As I was struggling to find the time to get everything prepared and organised for that one - I once again was cursing myself as I really do make my life hard and tend to take too much on! - Our bookings were low, and I didn't expect to make much money... but do you know what? - I actually did have a lot of fun!

Friday's class we made Birds and Birds-nests with 8 little girls.



Sandi had done a fabulous job with making up some samples. I am very happy to have her involved - and sorry that she was disappointed with me cancelling Term 1 classes - but I am very optimistic that her and I will have a fabulous and productive year... I just need to take things a little bit slower to ensure that I make the right choices and do the best things for me and my business.

We have been having quite a heat-wave here in Queensland.. and so crazy us decide that we will have a working bee this morning - trying to get the pathway to the studio finished off! I didn't manage to get outside too early.. we had fun though - and it was enjoyable to feel hot whilst doing something strenuous rather than just feeling hot doing nothing at all... We have ordered our gravel & stones - so a lot more to get on with there tomorrow... and incenctive for me to head off to bed soon so I can get an early start!

I have not been very good with my goal of 'dieting' so far... but I will get there I am sure... Definitely want to pick up the exercise considerable..but this awful heat is discouraging! I did manage to swim laps on a couple of days, but not as many laps as usual... also I have yet to put on the new exerceise DVD that I've purchased - that will have to be next week's goal! Plus I'm looking forward to doing an even walk with some 'mummy' friends - I enjoy that a lot. Great to be able to chat to a friend for an hour, and exercise too!

I will try to keep up with writing in here regularly - I think it will be very good for me. It will remind me of how much I actually do do each and every day and week.. plus it will slow me down a bit to make sure that I reflect on things and enjoy what I do.

Bye for now xo

Time for a break...

Yes, as my last post stated - I ended last year feeling quite exhausted... Very ready for a break.. but despite doing no classes in December - I really haven't had any significant 'time-off'. Ha! - I bet there's many other mums out there who will agree that family 'holiday' time - is a lot harder work!!

My poor darling boy has been very sick this past week - and was also sick at end of Nov - which makes doing anything else SO much harder...

I was feeling exhausted and 'down' yesterday - especially realising that I have loaded up my plate quite high with January workshops.. and I really need to get all my info and plans sorted for Term 1 classes asap...  I LOVE doing the actually classes. It is fun and gives me quite a high at the time - because I love working with the students and seeing the things they create... but it really is such a lot of work. The 'behind-the-scenes' work is what gets me down the most - so much communication and organisation required (and my organisation is letting me down considerably - let's face it. I'm in a mess that I can't quickly get out of!)... marketing - urggh! - so much work, and also feeling like I have never done enough.. It so often doesn't feel worth it... and that's because it probably is not.

I have grappled for ages with the issue of continuing to do my classes or not... this time last year I was planning to stop them... the hard part (as I mentioned above) is that I love the classes - they give me an on-the-spot ego boost and sense of achievement... for someone who has suffered a lot from depression - they always manage to get me out of any negative mood and make me feel good. Others love my classes too - and I have always felt 'guilty' about letting down my students and customers.

But I desperately want to do and try some other things with my time - apart from the 'normal' stuff like looking after my family and me! - work-wise I am desperately wanting to find the extra time to get my online store operating, to develop my kits and projects to sell online and through other methods... and even another 'secret' design project that is on the agenda - plus catch up with my paperwork and getting organized and having the time to reflect and make future plans.... There just never is enough time for all of this - plus keeping up to date with my classes...

I was hopeful that by employing people I could somehow manage to 'do it all' - but having employees is a lot of work - to be organised, to train them and manage them... so in the short term it has just piled more work onto me....

(I feel as though all this writing is still me trying to 'justify' it all - but I don't have to! Just being me and making my decisions is enough!)

Last night I came up with the perfect solution: I am going to NOT run any classes in Term 1.

Aahhhh. BIG sigh of relief. I haven't yet set anything in motion to activiate this decision - but initially it is making me feel so good. It is so right. I just completely need a break - and not when it is the holiday season when essentially I don't have any time to myself anyway! Term 1 is quite a short term as Easter is falling in March this year... so really my term-class kids will only miss out on about 6 weeks of classes - but I will get 2 whole months of getting to work on other things - which will be absolute bliss!!!

Yep. Gotta do it. I've got to take time to really have a break. To really re-evaluate things and to set my future work and life up to be heading in the right direction - that is balanced and harmonious for all.

No justification needed at all. This is 100% the right decision... now I just have to get through the rest of the busy school-holiday schedule that I have.... xo

A new year...

Happy New Year!

I must admit for the past couple of months, I was already 'over' 2012 and have been hanging for a new year to start...

2012 was quite an incredible year.. my business went from pretty much nothing to running many regular classes and employing other people too... SO much I did, so much I tried and learned. SO exhausted was I by the end of it all.

This business is 'right' in so many ways - but I really have to watch myself from over-doing it, and making sure there is balance in the rest of my life - something I very much neglected last year. A big part of me was trying to prove that I could... I was trying to make it work at any means... now I DO have to slow down.

Unfortunately I got sick around September/October.. I got bitten by a darn mosquito that gave me 'Barmah Forrest Virus' - I was quite wiped out for a month, but the fatigue it can cause is still with me - which made getting through all that was on my plate a lot harder... but has made me realise much more strongly that I need to look after myself. Now heading into 2013 despite having fabulous ideas that I am itching to try out - and lots of goals and ambitions.. I want my business to NOT be my #1 priority! (And YES, that is probably going to be hard for me to do!)

Higher up on the list is:
- looking after myself and my family first!
- regular exercise,
- more house cleaning and organisation (grrr)
- having time to rest and play
- doing some of MY art for me and for fun...

Yep when you equate all that into realistic hours (of which there are very little when you have young kids - something I am still coming to terms with) - it means my business needs to be very much part-time.

I have long known that I tend to be an 'all-or-nothing' person. I just have to have more confidence to be me and to operate at a much more casual pace. The business exists - but I will choose how many hours I give to it per week and not let it totally consume my mind. I choose to enjoy what I have a chieved - and spend this year choosing what I do and when and how... rather than re-acting to other's needs and external situations and opportunities. No more jumping through hoops just to prove I can.

Much more of being me and being happy! xoxo