Hmm what now!? As usual my brain is wanting to explore new ideas and solutions... it is wanting to get the ball rolling and determine where I am headed and head there with my usual gusto... So really, I wonder if anything has actually changed?
As I am typing right now, I am squished in at my super messy desk - I rest my fore-arms on a scattered pile of papers that I haven't even bothered to move... the reality is that in so many ways my life is a complete and utter mess! - It can get me down.
Still, I reckon I am heading somewhere, and this year will be a pretty good one - with hopefully a lot more obvious progress to be shown by the end of it.. I do have a lot of belief in myself, and think that I am on the precipice of a lot of my ideas and hard work soon to be about to 'pay-off'... but of course, despite a good dose of 'confidence' - there is always a side dish of 'self-doubt'! - which I do try hard to ignore...
I think I am allowed to be a 'mess' at the moment, because the reality is that I haven't had any time whatsoever to try and get myself out of my mess! - and I believe that in the next few weeks I will be able to see myself slowly crawling out of it.
Right now I am still quite busy with the current school holiday classes - there was another great workshop today which Sandi ran (pencil case decorating). Next week is Tilly's last week before starting school so every spare amount of time that I have is going to spending fun quality time with her, and also doing the list of things that need to be done i.e. buying school shoes, etc!
To be honest, I guess I am just that little bit scared... I know the right thing for me to do is to 'take a break' to let my focus be on more normal family stuff: Tilly starting school is such a big deal and I want my mind to have 100% focus on that without distractions... I want to take a break, make time for exercise and cleaning the house more.. etc. etc... I know all of those things are important and what I want to do - but changing the way I have been focusing on my business, 'taking my eye off the ball' does make me wonder if I am at risk of dropping the ball completely. Stupid thoughts really. I know that. But they're there in the background none-the-less.
All I know is that this term will be a chance for me to take a break, to catch up on all the 'boring' things that need to be done (eg. my invoices, financial planning, organization on so many levels), building my on-line shop and getting my kits ready for sale. That is exciting, and I CAN do it - I am looking forward to doing it (I think).
The reality is - that although I have been busy doing SO much - sometimes being busy doing the things I choose to do is really a good way of avoiding doing other things... and I wonder if I really do have the right self-discipline to focus on doing the 'boring' things.
I struggle hugely with being a stay-at-home-mum. I always have... but part of me now really does want to focus more on the stay-at home stuff.. but I don't know if I really can cope with that... My mind oscillates between wondering if I should slow down and back off from my business hugely - or should I just face the fact that I don't like being a SAHM, and just decide to work full-time on it! - Aaah the extremes.. the reality is I am quite somewhere in the middle, and I just have to keep going and figure it all out as I go along.
I hate being an 'all-or-nothing' person. I guess I can change that if I want to... But I am 37 years old, and really I do have a LOT of ingrained habits. I like to think I can change... but can I really?
This is turning into quite a ramble... What I am trying to say is that I still have a lot of fears, and a lot of unknowns... No longer am I walking along a path that was fueled just by my ideas and passion.. and trying to 'prove that I can'.. it seems that the further I walk, the more carefully I have to tread - as more is at stake... more people are involved... Probably I am just taking myself way too seriously and completely need to chill!!
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