My beautiful daughter started school this week - 2 days ago now.. so my emotions have been very much on edge! If I was feeling a little bit better - then this would be a lovely post about her and the whole starting school thing.. and the many pics that have been taken... That post will hopefully be the next one!
Instead this one is a 'glum' one - sorry!
I was quite aggro on the weekend (being quite angry towards my husband - who was, in my opinion, being a sh*t as usual)... When Tilly started school, I did wonder if perhaps I was burying some of my emotions and letting them out in another way!??
Ben has also been feeling unwell - and I get irritated by his over-reaction to ailments and having his mind go into a negative spin assuming/fearing the worst - rather than just being optimistic and going to the doctor and getting things checked out before reacting...
But it seems I am just as guilty in my own way! - Today Ben did go to the doctor to share his concerns about a racing heart, feeling breathless/difficulty breathing... The doctor sent him off to get some more tests done: an ultrasound of the heart and an x-ray. Ben of course freaked out, so I went with him to the medical imaging centre - telling him off for his negative response the whole way... It's probably nothing! Don't overreact! Don't be so negative....
He will go the GP for results in a couple of days...
And what has happened to me!? - I've had an emotional crash! er duh!! But honest to god - how the hell would we cope if there was something else wrong with him?? The 'pressures' of my business decisions and choices came thwacking back at me - the real effing reason that I am doing most of what I am trying to do is because I am afraid that I may have to be the main money-earner... I have started a business in the guise of 'fun' - and following my interests and passions.. but with a humungous (and unrealistic!?) agenda. I want to earn lots of money, and 'save' us all financially - as well as creating work that I enjoy and that is child-friendly/part-time, family-friendly etc., etc. And the reality is that it's just too fucking hard... I've burnt myself out the past year.. as I take a step 'back' it does feel SO good to not have to do anything much.. to take things day by day, to just focus on family and normal stuff... I have quite an inkling that the nature of business will change dramatically after taking a break to think.. because any which way that I look at all my plans and notes and ideas of what I am doing/trying to do/wanting to do - it all seems way too much. All I know is that I want to slow down. I want to do less... and the thought that 'maybe' I will have to work a lot harder a lot sooner because of my husband's health - is a bit earth shattering to me!..
And yeah, the bottom line is that I am completely over-reacting - and much more guilty of it, than even Ben was today!
But maybe sometimes just letting out the tears is perfectly normal. I am human. I am scared. I am worried... and if anything actually is wrong I will be quite devastated. I feel a bit like I do with the news of my Dad's cancer returning last year - completely shattered.. unable to easily cope with any more medical problems.... It has been a rough few years... and it just can be upsetting. xo
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