What is my passion and HOW do I head to it...?

Thinking a LOT lately...

Figuring some things out (I think?)

And feeling utterly confused by other things aswell...

All triggered by doing the 'Inspiration and Information' course by Pip Lincolne recently...

Plus I have started to read the book: 'The Divided Heart - Art and Motherhood' by Rachel Power which already is frigging awesome!!!

I have decided that I definitely want to do more of my own art and creativity. I WANT TO BE AN ARTIST. And yep, the intangibility of that statement and goal scares the crap out of me!!

I want to slow down and step back from my business A Little Creative. Mentally I already have...

But I feel quite confused about the next steps...

In my head I believe that I need to give myself time and space to explore, to breathe.. to figure out what the best next steps for me are in a few months time...

This talk on Passion by Randy Komisar which my husband just sent me the link to is very fitting!  I need not stress about pinpointing the exact 'passion' that I am aiming at - or a particular point I am aiming at - just head in that direction...

Yes. I feel excited and empowered. And also I feel shit-scared!

For as long as I can remember I have been a high achiever and I have constantly thrown myself at projects. And indeed I often succeed in achieving quite a lot... and then 'balance' it out disastrously by having a major crash (at least with fatigue, and often with depression).

Just this morning I felt excited. I was telling my husband what I had read and am thinking... asking and needing reassurance from him that I have his support... Looking forward to starting... And then when that 'moment' of ME time comes I feel anxious, bewildered, overwhelmed, self-doubting etc.

I think I just need to completely learn new habits... I need to go slow... be kind to myself...

I fear that I lack self-discipline... That I need more structure...

But I guess I can give that to myself.. I just need to try and get used to the changes (????)

Regardless - the first step(s) is to dig myself out of the mess I am in at my desk, in my studio, with all my paperwork etc.

My instinct tells me that I will head first towards my own writing and illustrating (FOCUS #1 is to FIND the folder that I have lost that has the early workings in it of my picture-book plans!!!) - as for me, this at least has a bit more 'structure' to it.

I WANT to do more of my own art in regards to painting, printing, sculpting - just playing around really... I am not too interested to make 'products' (been there, done that... hasn't grabbed me)... and just trying to do ART for art's sake, still scares the bejeesus out of me! - SO for now, i'll just call it PLAY.

I am constantly seeking reassurance - particularly from my husband, and other family and friends (not that I've told many people yet)... as I feel like I am walking into a completely unknown area...

And I am. But I think it is the RIGHT place for me to be heading... a place I have ignored and denied myself of for far too long...

I estimate that nothing hugely tangible will come of it for a year or so... but I strongly believe that it is the right steps for me to take... and that I will be thankful for taking this risk in the long run...

As for A Little Creative - I am letting it drift along... I am pulling my energy away from it a lot at the moment... but will explore spending more time doing blog posts... perhaps creating courses, videos... and also more product-packs... but without any significant deadlines on myself.

I think I just need TIME to explore a few things, and I know that the general direction involves nurturing myself and my own art practices...

I need to believe in myself... Follow my current passsions... set some short-term goals and go forth!

Slowly the sands are shifting...

So in my last blogpost I realised that I've been saying the same things over and over for far too long - and not at all managing to properly adjust my life...

I think I am in a period of adjustment now... and it is scary and exciting!

I am DOING less. I am THINKING more. I am realizing that the things that I want are really quite simple. All the BIG things, the hard things.. the ideas that get me excited (but also make me think: how the heck am I going to do that!?) - they can wait.

My business is great - and I have LOTS of ideas of how I want to develop it further... but for now, that can wait too. It needs to, because I have been neglecting myself and so many other areas of my life.

So much of life has to do with TIMING... and I think I have been quite in denial to the realities of the amount of time I really have to do the things I want... I don't want to spend my time rushing. I want to spend my time enjoying and doing the things I value most...

From the moment I brought my first tiny little baby Mathilda home (and had to spend endless hours sitting on the couch breast-feeding) - my mummy-brain went into crazy overdrive thinking up all the ideas of things I wanted to design (all fabulous ideas of course!), businesses to create... I hated the term "mumpreneur" - but it was in that direction that my mind always escaped to... I didn't enjoy being "stuck at home" all day, feeling isolated, lonely - with only the joys of 'housework' and baby-ness to stimulate me. Yes I adored and loved my baby - but my brain needed more intellectual stimulation and it ran-away from me and escaped into the world of BIG ideas. As can be the case with many new mums - my expectations of motherhood did not match the reality! I had thought I would enjoy being a stay-at-home mum.. but I soon realised that I didn't! The idea of working part-time appealed to me hugely... But I had burnt my pre-baby career bridge and resigned from my job when I was utterly ill with morning-sickness - and I had no desire to return to that type of work again. I was lost.  I'd lost my identity of ME. I missed working. I was depressed that I hadn't established something that I could go back to... My problem-solving brain kept trying to come up with solutions.

Fast-forward 6 years later... and I now have two beautiful children (aged 6 and 4). I have managed to create a successful business for myself - through a lot of hard work and determination, and struggling against the odds. As well as that, I have faced so many emotional and physical challenges: moving interstate, selling our first house on my own, building a new house, dealing with a severely ill husband and lots of FEARS of the unknown surrounding his diagnosis, husband's work instability once we moved to Qld, lots of relationship problems, ill-health of my aging parents, deaths of relatives and friends, my own ill health... and quite a lot more...

The bottom line is: I have pushing myself hard for years. And I completely need a break!

Having my own studio has been a dream/an indulgence/and also a noose around my neck as I have felt committed to making and earning enough money to justify holding onto it.

I am a creative person. And being creative is how I want to live my life. But I am realising that it has to be balanced and intertwined with the other areas of my life that are important... There is no point having a studio, filled with art materials, and running lots of classes if I myself am exhausted and drained.
I need to give myself more time and space. My creativity will be able to flourish when I have a balanced life.
One of the initial tasks in the recent 'Inspiration and Information' course by Pip Lincolne - required us to write a list of what you want to FEEL each day. My list is:

happy
free
relaxed
organized
positive
powerful
complete
aware
connected
calm
CREATIVE

It is time for me to be aware of that WHOLE list... and to restructure my life so that I am trying to achieve them all.. not just being creative.. xo

I SO can't do it all!

I do feel like this blog so often becomes just a whinge-fest for me.

Sometimes I give myself some pretty good advice (like on the previous post!), and then I don't follow through too well with embracing my own good ideas and putting them into practice.

Probably because I don't really know how!? Or I don't even give myself TIME to try and change my habits!?

I just find that there is always just WAY TOO MUCH to do. I can see in my head that I want to change things and to simplify... But everyday can just feel like a race where I never get where I want to be. I feel a bit stuck: running... trying to slow down... and confused with all the chaos that is surrounding me...

I enjoy my work. I am proud of it. I have lots of great ideas and talents - but nowhere near enough time to dedicate to this area at this stage of my life. My kids come first. My family needs are more important... and MY needs also want to be addressed... (But part of my needs, are wanting to do my work... that's why I get it all confused I guess..) (This blog-post a year and a half ago proves I haven't advanced too far in stepping away from my business and more towards my own art/life...)

It's no wonder I can feel 'lost' and confused and frustrated and anxious each time I have a 'few hours' to sit at my desk, step in the studio, do something... But what is best for me to do!? I generally run around doing all the 'last-minute' majorly urgent things - which are easy to put at the top of the priority list because of the urgent deadline!
(Hmmmm... sounds like the patterns I developed way back in my early uni days... if not before...)

I have been trying to slow-down and take more time to think. Time to reflect... Time to come up with 'better' more 'efficient' plans.... but it feels a bit like having a treadmill running at mega-fast speed. I step off it for a while... but then when I try to step back on it is still running at the fast pace...and I quickly feel stressed and overwhelmed.

(This sounds like stuff I have been realizing for a heck of a LONG time!! - I want to be able to operate at a turtle pace - not a crazy hare! see this blog post!!)

I just reread another post: WHY am I doing it all... written just over two years ago. And re-reading it I can see that I have been fueled by a lot of anger (at past people not encouraging and supporting my art!)... Yes, I strongly believe in my agenda and focus for A Little Creative. I am filled with PASSION and PURPOSE... And I have grabbed hold of one part of what I wanted (to create a successful creative business) with both hands and just dug my claws in against the odds, and have achieved SO much with my sheer determination! But is it really what I should be doing? Is it really what I want to achieve - at THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE??? - Even then, I was wondering about that answer. And with two year's extra hind-sight (tears!) I can say that I think I have got it all wrong. (Lots more tears... but at least I'm being honest).

The more I did, the more successful things have become.. the more proud I felt of myself, and is if this validated that YES I was on track... But lets be brutally honest: It has all been way TOO HARD on me! I have worn myself out. I have not allowed myself a break. I have not been able to find any balance - because I have just been doing way too much. I have probably missed 'THE POINT' a lot! I have forgotten to look after ME properly... to identify MY NEEDS... I took my passions/desire and disappointments in my creative past - and channeled them into a business that was hugely about serving OTHER's creative needs - at a time when I have so little time to give to myself anyway!... and like so many other people, I have overlooked and undervalued my own creativity.

In the past I have wrestled with the option of 'letting go' or stopping A Little Creative and I realise (or blieve right now at least) that I cannot. I just can't close the doors on all that I have achieved. But I can be pretty darn proud of the fact that I have built something that can exist with or without me pushing it hard.

The answer is: I have to REALLY simplify things. Make the website work for all the 'admin' payments, communications side of things - and free myself up hugely to the minimum possible for the time being whilst I look after ME more - and indulge in more of my own creativity! (and yes, catch-up on a bit of the housework that I always neglect.)

My business has felt like a guilded-cage that I have built for myself and then become trapped within.. but I reckon I can just cut a few bars, and allow me to escape more...

To completely change my mindset, and my daily/weekly habits - I need to keep reminding myself of my new goals - and allow myself the TIME to change!!

I CAN DO IT.

Who I want to be... (as a mother and an artist, and a business-owner)

I've been giving myself a wee-bit more time to think lately.. Something I obviously definitely need...

So off the top of my head I might as well tackle the big isues! so here goes:

As a mum:
- I want to always be there for my children. I want to love them, support them and nurture them. I want to assist them to grow into loving, caring and responsible adults. That means making hard decisions and sacrifices, and learning lots along the way. I don't want to be overprotective, or over indulgent. I want to instill my children with these essential values:
- to know how to love themselves and others,
- to be self-confident and have respect for themselves and others.
- to be independent in their thinking and actions - but also intuitive, understanding and caring of others.
- to appreciate and care for nature and animals, and the envronment.
- to value their creative talents and creative thinking.
- to be strong enough to always walk their own path - to make decisions and have the freedom/courage to follow their own heart and passions.
- to live life to be happy - not to please other people, or to line their pockets with wealth.
- to ponder and think. to pause.. to know when to whisper and know when to shout!

As an artist:
- I want to have the confidence to explore and create. To use the mediums I love and the talents that I have to express my love of life, my struggles and my passions...
- I don't want to over-think things. I want to trust my instincts and be confident in myself.
- I want to find my voice - and call out to all whoever may want to listen to me!
- I want to teach and share my passions, meet like-minded people and collaborate.
- I don't want to restrict my mind by seeking particular outcomes or goals first - nor 'commercialising' my art (or just making 'products')
- I want to continue to learn and explore...

As the owner of A Little Creative:
- I want to continue to develop and grow my business, and allow it to slowly expand to encompass more teachers and students throughout Australia...
- I want there to always be HEART and PASSION as the foundation of my business. Thus I see that it must be flexible - and never too 'commercial'.
- I want the business to be more than just ME and my ideas. I want to work in it and at it - but for it to have it's own presence and power that is completely separate to myself. (I gave it life - but I want it to grow in it's own way - and not just by my will and my own energies)
- I want to empower and support other creatives who would love to teach and share their knowledge and passion with students (especially children)
- I want to inspire and motivate others in their journey as artists - (which means I need to give myself my own freedom and time for my own journey too!)
- I want to promote the value of art and creativity to all!
- I do not want my business to overwhelm other areas of my own life. I need to maintain my own balance. My health, my family, my own interests and passions need to be nurtured first.

Creative FEAR (doubt, panic... WTF am I doing!??)

Rush. Rush. Rush!

I have just dropped the kids at my parents' place... I have only 2hrs and 15 minutes until they are delivered back to me.

I want to ignore the housework and the emails - and a million other chores that I could/should do in this time - and jump in and do some art instead!!

Me time. I deserve it. I want it...

But where the heck do I start!??

Feeling panicked. Short of breath.. A bit aggro and a bit teary.

(I realise that this is just all due to me not having much time and putting pressure on myself to 'create' and 'have fun' and hopefully do something I like the look of too! - Just need to ignore the fears and jump in!)

Kettle is on. I'm going to make a coffee. Pull out a canvas and just paint!

(I was going to try some stamp-printing... but don't think I have quite enough time for that...Hmm. We'll see...)

Ready to paint... I decided to try out my new painting-pad paper...

Frustratingly, I heard a car arrive at my house when I had only been painting for an hour... My parents had mixed up the time and were dropping the kids home an hour too early!! - I told them to make a cuppa, and sneaked back into the studio to do a bit more finishing off the paintings (and to wash off my very blue hands!!)

Some of the paintings that resulted from my art-blitz!

I enjoyed getting a fraction of time to paint.

I started out with a brush - and doing strong shapes (trying to emulate what I have been doing in my collages) - but before long I moved onto being more free with the paint - scraping, blending and using my fingers a bit.

The dark blue one is my favourite - and was the most accidental! - I actually started out painting over a rough piece of paper (not a good quality piece) with navy as I thought I could cut it up when dry for collage - but whilst painting it, something more interesting emerged...

I like it. It does relate strongly to a painting I did years ago at Uni that is still hanging in my house - though the previous one is completely different colours (in the reds).

I like this one too. It is most like my recent collage work:

These two are also okay (ish)...

I definitely overcame my original anxiety feelings... and desperately need to find more and more time to do my own art!!

I realised today that already I am trying to over-think my new art directions and interests. I need to just completely play around with my art for the next few months and see what comes of it - with no expectations or worries about where it might lead!