I do feel like this blog so often becomes just a whinge-fest for me.
Sometimes I give myself some pretty good advice (like on the previous post!), and then I don't follow through too well with embracing my own good ideas and putting them into practice.
Probably because I don't really know how!? Or I don't even give myself TIME to try and change my habits!?
I just find that there is always just WAY TOO MUCH to do. I can see in my head that I want to change things and to simplify... But everyday can just feel like a race where I never get where I want to be. I feel a bit stuck: running... trying to slow down... and confused with all the chaos that is surrounding me...
I enjoy my work. I am proud of it. I have lots of great ideas and talents - but nowhere near enough time to dedicate to this area at this stage of my life. My kids come first. My family needs are more important... and MY needs also want to be addressed... (But part of my needs, are wanting to do my work... that's why I get it all confused I guess..) (This blog-post a year and a half ago proves I haven't advanced too far in stepping away from my business and more towards my own art/life...)
It's no wonder I can feel 'lost' and confused and frustrated and anxious each time I have a 'few hours' to sit at my desk, step in the studio, do something... But what is best for me to do!? I generally run around doing all the 'last-minute' majorly urgent things - which are easy to put at the top of the priority list because of the urgent deadline!
(Hmmmm... sounds like the patterns I developed way back in my early uni days... if not before...)
I have been trying to slow-down and take more time to think. Time to reflect... Time to come up with 'better' more 'efficient' plans.... but it feels a bit like having a treadmill running at mega-fast speed. I step off it for a while... but then when I try to step back on it is still running at the fast pace...and I quickly feel stressed and overwhelmed.
(This sounds like stuff I have been realizing for a heck of a LONG time!! - I want to be able to operate at a turtle pace - not a crazy hare! see this blog post!!)
I just reread another post: WHY am I doing it all... written just over two years ago. And re-reading it I can see that I have been fueled by a lot of anger (at past people not encouraging and supporting my art!)... Yes, I strongly believe in my agenda and focus for A Little Creative. I am filled with PASSION and PURPOSE... And I have grabbed hold of one part of what I wanted (to create a successful creative business) with both hands and just dug my claws in against the odds, and have achieved SO much with my sheer determination! But is it really what I should be doing? Is it really what I want to achieve - at THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE??? - Even then, I was wondering about that answer. And with two year's extra hind-sight (tears!) I can say that I think I have got it all wrong. (Lots more tears... but at least I'm being honest).
The more I did, the more successful things have become.. the more proud I felt of myself, and is if this validated that YES I was on track... But lets be brutally honest: It has all been way TOO HARD on me! I have worn myself out. I have not allowed myself a break. I have not been able to find any balance - because I have just been doing way too much. I have probably missed 'THE POINT' a lot! I have forgotten to look after ME properly... to identify MY NEEDS... I took my passions/desire and disappointments in my creative past - and channeled them into a business that was hugely about serving OTHER's creative needs - at a time when I have so little time to give to myself anyway!... and like so many other people, I have overlooked and undervalued my own creativity.
In the past I have wrestled with the option of 'letting go' or stopping A Little Creative and I realise (or blieve right now at least) that I cannot. I just can't close the doors on all that I have achieved. But I can be pretty darn proud of the fact that I have built something that can exist with or without me pushing it hard.
The answer is: I have to REALLY simplify things. Make the website work for all the 'admin' payments, communications side of things - and free myself up hugely to the minimum possible for the time being whilst I look after ME more - and indulge in more of my own creativity! (and yes, catch-up on a bit of the housework that I always neglect.)
My business has felt like a guilded-cage that I have built for myself and then become trapped within.. but I reckon I can just cut a few bars, and allow me to escape more...
To completely change my mindset, and my daily/weekly habits - I need to keep reminding myself of my new goals - and allow myself the TIME to change!!
I CAN DO IT.
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