So in my last blogpost I realised that I've been saying the same things over and over for far too long - and not at all managing to properly adjust my life...
I think I am in a period of adjustment now... and it is scary and exciting!
I am DOING less. I am THINKING more. I am realizing that the things that I want are really quite simple. All the BIG things, the hard things.. the ideas that get me excited (but also make me think: how the heck am I going to do that!?) - they can wait.
My business is great - and I have LOTS of ideas of how I want to develop it further... but for now, that can wait too. It needs to, because I have been neglecting myself and so many other areas of my life.
So much of life has to do with TIMING... and I think I have been quite in denial to the realities of the amount of time I really have to do the things I want... I don't want to spend my time rushing. I want to spend my time enjoying and doing the things I value most...
From the moment I brought my first tiny little baby Mathilda home (and had to spend endless hours sitting on the couch breast-feeding) - my mummy-brain went into crazy overdrive thinking up all the ideas of things I wanted to design (all fabulous ideas of course!), businesses to create... I hated the term "mumpreneur" - but it was in that direction that my mind always escaped to... I didn't enjoy being "stuck at home" all day, feeling isolated, lonely - with only the joys of 'housework' and baby-ness to stimulate me. Yes I adored and loved my baby - but my brain needed more intellectual stimulation and it ran-away from me and escaped into the world of BIG ideas. As can be the case with many new mums - my expectations of motherhood did not match the reality! I had thought I would enjoy being a stay-at-home mum.. but I soon realised that I didn't! The idea of working part-time appealed to me hugely... But I had burnt my pre-baby career bridge and resigned from my job when I was utterly ill with morning-sickness - and I had no desire to return to that type of work again. I was lost. I'd lost my identity of ME. I missed working. I was depressed that I hadn't established something that I could go back to... My problem-solving brain kept trying to come up with solutions.
Fast-forward 6 years later... and I now have two beautiful children (aged 6 and 4). I have managed to create a successful business for myself - through a lot of hard work and determination, and struggling against the odds. As well as that, I have faced so many emotional and physical challenges: moving interstate, selling our first house on my own, building a new house, dealing with a severely ill husband and lots of FEARS of the unknown surrounding his diagnosis, husband's work instability once we moved to Qld, lots of relationship problems, ill-health of my aging parents, deaths of relatives and friends, my own ill health... and quite a lot more...
The bottom line is: I have pushing myself hard for years. And I completely need a break!
Having my own studio has been a dream/an indulgence/and also a noose around my neck as I have felt committed to making and earning enough money to justify holding onto it.
I am a creative person. And being creative is how I want to live my life. But I am realising that it has to be balanced and intertwined with the other areas of my life that are important... There is no point having a studio, filled with art materials, and running lots of classes if I myself am exhausted and drained.
I need to give myself more time and space. My creativity will be able to flourish when I have a balanced life.
One of the initial tasks in the recent 'Inspiration and Information' course by Pip Lincolne - required us to write a list of what you want to FEEL each day. My list is:
happy
free
relaxed
organized
positive
powerful
complete
aware
connected
calm
CREATIVE
It is time for me to be aware of that WHOLE list... and to restructure my life so that I am trying to achieve them all.. not just being creative.. xo
No comments:
Post a Comment