The rate of flow...

Oh yes, definitely my depression has come back to bite me again :(

I thought I was okay... I had almost forgotten about it throughout the start of the week - as my child-care days were mega-busy... but I busied myself along doing lots of things that I had to, and trying to have a bit of 'fun' and do healthy things for myself along the way...

Then by Friday (today) I awoke feeling quite anxious about all the things that I haven't managed to do this week but wanted to/needed to/intended to (??) - and always there is quite a long list...

Lately I have had quite a problem doing the little, simple, mundane chores - which aren't a big deal on their own... but I just can't manage to motivate myself to do them... (Eg admin and accounts etc. for my business, tidying up some of the messy spots at home, doing those few extra chores which seem to make all the difference between feeling on top of things, or buried beneath it!)

I can launch myself at the BIG things... but I can't manage to cope with the small things...

I was trying to talk to Ben in the minuscule amount of time in the morning that it is possible to 'talk' before he goes to work and when the kids are not hassling me... Sharing how I felt... He reminded me that my lack of focus and ability to make the decisions and do the things that I'm wanting to do are probably symptoms of my depression... and I'm like: "oh yeah, that's right.. I forgot I had depression... I though it was just me..."

So yes, I am struggling a bit. And when I have a bit of time to try to think about it more - or explain it to others all the tears will rapidly overflow.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be asking my family to help me out, and explain why I am not coping so well at the moment. I don't want to hear their sympathy - and their attempts to understand me (which often to my ears can feel as if they don't quite understand me - so then I feel a bit angry and hurt and misunderstood). I don't want them to think that I have a "problem"... because it makes me feel a bit 'retarded' (yes, not at all a 'pc' word - but it is what I think)...

I just want to be 'normal'. (Not a 'normal' person - as I acknowledge that I am quite different from most people! - I am very creative, intelligent, and I think a lot (too much?) about things... and I don't want to change who I am, I just want to feel like the 'normal' me - not the 'me' who feels over tired, overemotional and easily overreacts to things...)

Another problem that I think I have right now is that I am trying to "FIX" myself. I am trying to "think" my way out of it... I am trying to be my own GP and counsellor... and I don't think that quite works... Because when I don't feel too good, then I am blaming myself for not having done a good enough job. For not looking after myself enough, for not balancing things properly, for not knowing all the answers and having the right solution.

I don't want to have depression. I hate it. I know I don't have it so bad that I am a danger to myself, or that even most areas of my life are suffering because of it. I am actually managing pretty darn well. I am coping as well as I could be, and that is pretty good. But I do have it at the moment... Without a doubt.

I have made another appointment with my GP for Monday, and another one with my counselor the following Saturday ( 8 days away)... who knows how I will feel when I see them?.. Who knows if I will be able to convey the reality of how I am at the moment?... Or if they will recognise that I need help, and if they will be able to help me at all? The reality is that I am very up and down at the moment. When I am good, I am great and even I don't realise that I have depression. And in general I am coping extremely well with everything. Most people (outside of the family) wouldn't have a clue - they wouldn't even guess. I am very good at coping. And when you have that brief time in the doctor's office, or with a counselor - obviously you are in a 'coping well' moment at that point in time - because you have managed to get out the door and get yourself to the appointment, you have managed to sit in the waiting room and look like a normal person... Then what? Suddenly, at the appropriate time you have to let the guard down and reveal all the problems and issues that you don't quite understand yourself, that you don't want to have.. that you keep even forgetting about because your brain isn't working properly at the moment... You let the tears spill a little, fully aware that very soon you have to walk out the door again and look like a normal person again and smile at the secretary, and pay your bill (brain needs to be functioning enough to remember your pin number), and get to your car again and drive home and get straight back into all the chores, the children's demands, the things that leave you with no time spare to think or relax...

I don't friggin have time for depression! - I don't want to waste my time going to the doctors and making and meeting different appointments. Sometimes I wonder if I would just be better off giving myself that time to go for a walk, and sit at the beach and watch the waves, to think, to write...

I have experienced depression a heck of a lot in my life... Obviously it is 'different' at various times... but right now: having young kids and everything that is on my plate - it is hard to find the time to squish dealing with it in!!

Ooops I've realised that I've totally forgotten to write about what I initially intended which was an evaluation of my understanding of depression and me (and relates to the the title of this blog!) so here goes:

For me, I feel as though depression is when my bucket is completely full. (I am the bucket in this metaphor) I have reached my capacity (for whatever reason) - and any more 'pressure', 'stress', 'demands' etc. I simply just cannot handle - they spill over the top and tumble down as tears (or anger!). Sometimes (when the bucket is completely full) then there is no escape from the avalanche of tears and sadness - anything at all that gets poured on top can have a devastating reaction (obviously this is when your depression is very bad). At other times, your bucket may be nearly full - but you are still functioning a reasonable amount so that the water in your bucket is going down a little bit... So a lot of things you can handle... and it only overflows every now and then.... Depression comes about when the "rate of flow" out of your bucket is less than the "rate of flow" of what is being poured into it.
Yep - so by relating to my Year 11 maths, I am able to understand this illness a bit!

For now, I have to manage to 'take things easier' and look after myself better with less stress - whilst the water in my bucket naturally seeps away as currently it is too near the top!

Maybe I have to learn some better strategies to somehow increase the rate of flow out of my bucket?? Or maybe I simply just have to accept that too much has been poured into it at this point of time (by others?), and that that's just how it is?

I feel confident that I do know how to look after myself and make myself better. Probably I am just doubting that ability and feeling anxious and doubtful and questioning things simply because I am in the depression mode at the moment - which puts a negative spin on everything, and a lot of self-doubt.

I am 'okay' underneath it all. Time will heal all I think... I am just being impatient perhaps? Or maybe there is something "to do" that can help to "fix" things for the future??

I'll keep you posted no doubt... xo

Tired as usual... but plodding along

It's 11pm as I write this... I had come out to the studio to try and clear up, or do some screen-printing, or scan my sketchbooks... do something useful.. but not too much has happened..

That's okay.

Essentially I am learning to be much kinder to myself, and slow down, be patient etc.

Hard to do, as always so many ideas flowing around in my head!

I am being active with doing more artwork for me.. Enjoying the collages, learning to crochet better, doing sketches, illustrator designs, and anything arty as often as I can.

( I will share some images soon - but need a bit more time to scan stuff and get pics off my phone...)

I still feel as though I am lacking direction a bit... (in regards to my own art!)  - the number one goal that I seem to have in mind is to do some of my picture-book illustrations/designs... yet it is quite difficult for me to find the time for that...

I am still rolling along quite steadily with A Little Creative. - and I am enjoying all that is going on.

Last week I went to my GP as a follow up to some blood-tests, as I have been feeling SO tired and drained lately... I suspected that perhaps my iron levels were down again, but turns out that they are fine and instead the Dr was suggesting it could be depression.

I completely denied it initially - but when I went home and thought about it - I could recognise all the signs quite well - so I immediately felt depressed!!

Anyway, I am seeing our counsellor again very soon, and am aware that I just need to focus on looking after myself more... not going to sleep early probably is the bad habit I need to address!

A bit of depression is quite reasonable considering the stress and pressures that I have had this year - and I am happy that I have recognised the signs early - and will not let it get any worse!

I set myself some creative goals for August:

and I am pleased with my progress so far...

* Better quality paints have been ordered, and arrived (Jo Sonya's) - plus some new brushes for myself, and some rounds canvases to experiment with!

* I have been VERY busy trying to get better organised... and I am still getting there. On Monday I moved my desk from the main studio space into the 'shop' room, and moved a large shelf of shop-stock out. Essentially I am aiming to give myself the WHOLE shop room to be my own private studio space!! - which is very exciting - but will take me a bit of time to get things sorted properly. As classes are ongoing in the studio I am clearing and making that space as functional as possible - and then will endeavour to 'dig' myself out of the mess left over in my own room... Just need more time as usual!

* Picture story books... hmm yeah... I have fund the story drafts, and done a bit more planning of layout... but yet to start any of the REAL illustrative/design work - that will be my goal this weekend!

* Write to my pen-pal... yep, that will happen soon too!

Just feel happy that I am getting 'there'... Not that 'there' is anywhere really!: other than just being in the here and now, and feeling happy. A heck of a lot of mess and clutter I have been needing to sort through (and a few 'problems' here and there), but I feel as though all is definitely headed in the right directions xoxoxo

The avalanche of change??

Oh my...
So, this blog has been revived of late - as I am thinking things through...

Since, making the decision to FOCUS more on my own artwork earlier this year... I have been facing constant new challenges, as essentially my mind is evolving in a completely new direction - and lets's face it... all change is a bit difficult and takes time to get used to.

I have just re-read the pertinent and recent blog-post: 'What is my passion and how do I head to it?" - in which I declared that I WANT TO BE AN ARTIST - and how I planned to head towards that...

But obviously declaring something, is a lot different to doing something about it... and often the DOING is far from straightforward. Already I have had to face the challenge of considering applying for a full-time job in an art-gallery... which definitely appealed to me for various reasons... But for many good reasons I have discarded that as an option for me...

I am realising that to BE an artist will mean making changes and sacrifices...And as I progress gingerly towards that desire/goal/intention - I am being faced with some of the challenges and changes that I have to make.

It is confronting.

As I mentioned in that previous post: I want to slow down and step back from my business A Little Creative. Mentally I already have.."

Yep mentally... But not physically...

Today I felt aggro, irritable, teary.... and I wasn't too sure why. I had just enjoyed a bit of extra "me" time as the kids had a sleep-over at my parents... I took the opportunity to start doing some oil-painting - and I LOVED getting the oil paints out - after them being put away for several years.

After a bit of exploring my angry/upset mood I realise that is caused by the strong desire within me to do more art, and the frustration of not having enough time to focus on it.

I love my family. I love being a mum. My children come first of course. But I realise now what a HUGE conflict my business A Little Creative now is to my new goals.

I do feel a lot of emotional turmoil. As I have created A Little Creative. I was building it up with quite a long-term strategy - and it is growing and developing so well. So many of my dreams and goals were tied up with that business. It is very hard to realise that my dreams and goals have changed, and what I have worked so hard to create is holding me back from moving forward.

Definitely I want to take time-off from my A Little Creative work. I want to give that extra time to myself and my artwork. I want to re-claim the studio for myself so that I have more space to work, and can leave my materials out rather than having to put them away to accommodate classes...

Hmmm... already I am thinking up some compromises here....

I am considering the option of selling the business.

Also of course there is the option of just putting it all on-hold for a while... but the ME that tends to be a bit "all or nothing" in my approach to life, doesn't quite see that I would want to pick it back up again in 4 months, 6 months, 12 months etc... that maybe I am best to just bite the bullet and sell it off now??

Hmmm. yeah, a bit of confusion and turmoil going on.

But ultimately it is all very frigging positive. It means that I am taking my new desires and directions quite seriously, and I just have to sort through the issues as I go along!

I have an overactive C-head

I do have a bit of a problem…

The symptoms are that I can often feel like a bit of a manic-depressive person: swinging rapidly between extreme highs of excitement, enthusiasm and energy, then down to negative, depressiveness, frustration and fatigue. I have problems making decisions and choices. I feel anxious and stressed when I have a rare bit of time to myself. I often feel overloaded and overwhelmed.

Last year, in a particularly exhausted part of my life my doctor suspected an overactive thyroid could be the problem. It wasn’t: my thyroid was functioning normally,however more tests revealed I had very low iron levels instead. Now my iron levels are normal again, and I am attempting to be more balanced with my life: look after my body with healthy eating, exercise and sleep… But I have realised that I DO have a problem, which most doctors (and any regular people for that matter) would probably laugh at.

I have an OVERACTIVE CREATIVE HEAD! I can’t walk down the street, pick up a magazine, watch a show on television without noticing a detail which triggers something in my brain that is a completely new creative idea of something I could make, draw, sew, print, paint, write, etc.

Help me!!

Yeah, yeah – you non-creative people are probably just rolling your eyes wondering how on earth that could be a problem. Lucky you, you probably think: it would be fabulous to be creatively talented… How much fun it would be to be an artist and designer and design and make things all day, to be doing what you love. What could be hard about that?

But you. YOU, hopefully the one reading this! Are you creative too? DO you understand?? Do you get me? Can you comprehend the torture that it is to just have too many ideas, so many possibilities, a zillion and one creative desires and no possible way of being able to DO many of them in the amount of hours that are available in the day!!!

Maybe you have a full-time job (in a non-creative career) that obviously pays the bills, and allows you to buy food to eat… so the amount of time you can spend doing your creative-desires is limited to the few hours outside of that…

Maybe you are a mum, like me, and thus way too many hours are taken up doing mum things for those little people that constantly need you, and that slightly irritating big-person who seems to need you a bit too much too… So somehow you have to snatch little tiny snippets of creative-time, and try to not feel guilty that you are not cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the floors, or out earning money in a ‘real job’…

Or maybe, (Lucky YOU! – as most people would imagine) you are making money from your art and designs – and living the ‘dream’. But I know the truth: you have worked DARN-BLOODY HARD to get where you are and actually earn some sort of ‘income’ from your work. And the reality is that the money you earn rarely equates to the amount of hours you have put in, or of course the years of earning sub-zero that led you to this point… You (Lucky You) now still have the same problem, that the creative ideas still cannot be achieved within that 24 hours of daytime available.

SO what do you do?

I don’t know. Tell me if you know.

The over-active Creative-head can seem like a problem… but I am trying to recognise it as the gift that it is, and just learn better ways of taming and controlling the crazy-wild beast that lives within!

I am trying to ignore feeling frustrated. I try to put the blinkers over my eyes a little bit – and at least filter out a little bit of the ideas and visual overload that bombards me every day.

I am trying to do little bits of ‘Me-Art’ (NOT work, or products, or things with a particular outcome in mind) every day or so - just sketching, drawing, writing, collaging… and allow a bit of what I see and think and feel to come out – and perhaps be built on in the future…

I am trying to have some sort of ‘discipline’ with my goals and ideas. I am thinking more about what I choose to work on, and making sure I am putting my energy towards things I REALLY want to do! – Rather than just something I could do, is fashionable, would be fun… etc.

I am trying to be patient, be realistic with my expectations, and be proud of all that I do achieve.

I am trying hard to lead a healthy and happy life, despite having an overactive Creative-head.

If you too have an overactive C-head feel free to share your stories and remedies! There is always strength in numbers, and having a support-group for this sort of affliction ;)

NO I do NOT want a full-time job!

...Because I already have one...or a lot more than one really!

Yes, my head has been spinning about the job at the gallery - and whether or not I should apply...

There's been a few days of completely changing my mind going on... And again I am back to NO. (and I intend to remain at that decision)

My recent plans and desires had been to 'pull-back' a lot from all the work I have been doing with A Little Creative. To try and find that elusive 'balance' that I have always desired... and I realise that this is not necessary an easy thing for me to do as my brain has been hard-wired to work hard and just jump into things.. and I have been used to putting myself last, and neglecting the housework and many other areas of life.

(Taking this job - or even applying for it - would mean that I have not learnt anything at all. That I am willing to just 'jump-in' and run hard, as always, regardless of the costs... and ignoring the benefits of taking life more slowly.)

Slowly I have been feeling that I am starting to make progress with changing my habits and my thinking - and indeed good outcomes are already starting to show on the home-front (incrementally tiny zones are getting cleaner and clearer!!), and I am trying to exercise more, do more of my own creativity and thinking... and even RELAX and ENJOY life more!!!

For ages I have known all the "shoulds" but I haven't been actively living any of the changes that I want.

My relationship with Ben has also had lots of ups and downs the past few years... and I honestly think that taking more time to nurture me, the family, and the relationship is what is needed by us all much more NOW than any extra commitments and pressures - or money too!

Indeed the job can be quite enticing... The salary would be lovely ( I already know exactly how I would spend that money!)... it would be great for my EGO if I could make it work as I have always desired to feel satisfied in my job and career...

But basically what I would be giving up, or putting at risk is completely not worth it in comparison.

A huge thanks to a facebook friend who wisely suggested I consider:
"So what's more important - whatever you would do in your non-work time or this perfect job? What are your strongest values and feelings? Would this fulltime job align with them?"

And also LOTS of other people who gave me their input and advice when I was in my quandry...

It has been a VERY hard decision for me to make.

But, similar to the decision not to sign the shop lease at Currimundi last year, it is simply not the right time for me to take on this commitment.

My values of being there for my kids are very strong, and I know other mums may manage to work long hours in their career - but for me it is not what I want for myself and my children at these ages.

My husband supports me, and that is great.

My choice is to slow down more. Focus on my core values... and enjoy life.

A great example or image of this is Tilly's little sock-mice that I helped her to make yesterday... (I LOVE that she came up with the idea herself, and was happy to spend most of the afternoon making them, and went to bed cuddling one of them - whilst I still had to finish sewing ears and eyes on the other mice at night... and now they are living in a little box-house and they 'sing' a lot! - so cute!!)

(Hopefully another blog-post about them soon!)

I value the SIMPLE things in life. Time with my family and friends, time being creative and exploring life. 

I think this experience of considering the gallery job will be very good for me. I have made my choice, and I think I will cherish so much more my time spent dropping the kids at school and childcare, cleaning up the house, making food, doing laundry, playing with my kids, talking to them, relaxing, being available whenever they need me.

And who knows what I can achieve by giving myself more TIME to be ME, and to be more creative!?...

xo

Choices...conflicts...opportunities/distractions you weren't expecting...

Arrrruugghhhghghgh!

I was very pleased with my last post. I felt focused. Happy. And even confident enough to share it with the world which I did via facebook...

And then only hours later (the next day) a bit of a curb-ball came hurtling my way.

As part of my A Little Creative work I teach regularly at the Caloundra Regional Gallery, and indeed I am LOVING teaching in that environment and being involved with the Gallery...

Julie - the staff person whom I deal with there, is actually leaving, and her job-position is being advertised... I was aware of this, and had a little "hmmm that's interesting, I wonder if the job would suit me.." moment.. but after clarifying that the job is full-time, and thinking about how so often Julie seems to be quite rushed off her feet and in and out of constant meetings... I just wiped the idea off and didn't give it any thought.. I assumed, that probably I wasn't even qualified enough...

Then Wednesday when I am setting up for my art-class there Julie mentions the job again and says: "Are you sure you're not interested to apply for it?"

(Interested!? YES. F*ck yes, I am... but I'm a mum... I couldn't do full-time...)

So I asked if she thought I'd be a suitable candidate (response: yes, definitely) and asked her to print out the job description for me to take a  look at it.

Pretty much the job is PERFECT for me. And yes, a HUGE part of me would love to do it...

Turmoil. Angst... A sleepness night....

And by Thursday morning I had decided: NO. It's just not the right time for me... I couldn't possibly work full-time. I wouldn't want to put my kids second to my job. A few tears... feelings of disappointment... cups-of-teas and chatting it over with various people.. who all tended to agree with me..
Phew. Happy that that's over with... Now move on and back to my original plans..

Then today I had a meeting at the gallery at 11am - to discuss this event facilitation that I am doing with them in early September... Good meeting. Went for almost an hour (unpaid to me of course) Lots of fun creative ideas generated.. Enjoyed it...

And suffered HUGE PANGS about the job (and my decision not to go for it) again...

So now I am re-thinking.... a little? I rang up the recruitment person for the postion and asked a couple of questions... Turns out it is a 9 day fortnight... regular hours of 8:15-5:05pm, time off in lieu when you have to work outside those hours for weekend and evening events...

I know my answer should be NO and I should just stick to that and wipe it from my mind... but it's hard.

Do I want this job? YES. The me who is not a mum (and I guess that's not me is it??) really, really really would love this job. I enjoy working. I am a career focused person... and I guess I have had to suffer and deal with some hugely bitter disappointment with myself and my career - since I chose to walk away from teaching in a school - as I didn't like it.  I didn't feel that there was a job around and available for me that I would like to do... I figured I would have to create it for myself - and thus I threw my energies into A Little Creative.

This job. I would love the experience of working in the gallery. I would love that environment. The position is for the 'Education and Public Programs Officer' - and the criteria required and key responsibilities do read quite perfectly for me...

One thought is: just apply for it, and see what happens... as obviously I may not even get it...  But I don't think I could even go for it, if I haven't figured it out in my own head.

I told Julie today I wasn't going to apply.... Now obviously, I am having doubts...

I know. I know... I'm torturing myself. If I am to look at it all realistically and rationally I shouldn't waste anytime thinking about it.

My values are to be there for my kids... I don't want to work full-time. Those hours would change our lives astronomically (of which Ben, really isn't very aware - and hence he really isn't the best person to discuss it with.. neither is anyone I know who doesn't have kids..)

I'm torturing myself. Just say no. and move on....

(can I??)