More thinking...

I don't quite know why... but I THINK a heck of a lot...

I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing... perhaps a bit of both.

Right now I am reading the book: "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown - which is engaging me a lot. It is about changing your mindset to live a life that eliminates the unneccessary, and focuses on the few necessary items for a sense of personal wellbeing and happiness.

Definitely good stuff in there. A lot of it sounding like the sort of thinking that I already do... and I am hoping to find some 'major signposts' that make me go 'Aha!' so that I can find a way to 'simplify' my life and make the 'best possible choices' for my own directions... but I'm already thinking that the answers won't be obviously there. The answers are inside of me... I just have to get them out somehow...

Recently I wrote a detailed plan of my business goals for now and 2015. When I read them to Ben his first reaction was: 'That sounds like too much"... and combined with now reading this book, I am wanting to re-evaluate... see if I can figure out how to simplify things...

Mary Oliver once wrote: "Tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - so throwing the list and logic aside, let me see if I can answer it....

Right now I am pretty darn happy. I love the location that I live in, I love my home and my family. I want my life to be about being a great mum and sharing fabulous moments with my children - helping them to learn and grow and be the best they can be. Creativity is a huge part of my own life and passions. I love my art studio, and getting to work teaching children art. I want more and more time to spend doing art and being creative.. and I want to somehow earn a justifiable living through my work too.... Already I'm rambling... justifying... looking for problems and solutions that perhaps aren't there?

What do I want to do with my life??

I want to live my life and ENJOY it. I want to be creative, happy, engaged... and at other times still. Being a mum is fabulous. Love and my family, and everyday joys and experiences mean everything. I want to fill my lifetime and my children's with happy memories: of the REAL stuff. Making things, building things, being outdoors, being in nature, exploring life, etc. I want to travel the world a little - to be the one to show my children different cities, cultures, historic buildings, and more of the fabulous things on this planet.
I want to be good to others. I want to live my life with some meaning, and making a positive difference in some way. Art and design, and perhaps  writing and teaching are my calling... I want to create art that shares my values, my feelings, my sensibilities and passions.
I don't want to have a 'name' in the art and design world just for the sake of having a name. I want to follow my own creative passions and inspire others to as well. I don't want to focus too much on the commercial side of the creative world... but I want to earn a good income and prove that you can earn money doing what you love.
I want to reach the end of my life, knowing that I tried hard. That I took risks, I learned, I shared what I knew and loved with others... I failed and I succeeded. I don't ever want to 'give up' or 'give in' or just become a person that doesn't care too much about anything other than my own little world and interests.
Family, nature, art, and the simple things in life are what matter to me most.

Yep. That's it. Love what I have just written... But HOW is the best way to do that?? How does that translate to my goals and priorities for now??

I think my 2015 ALC focus should be:
* developing online-course content...
* producing art packs and kits to accompany the courses.
* adjust the focus of the website, and focus more on the BLOG and building a more popular following and audience via that.. (but keep it all SIMPLE rather than complicated!)
* the 'deluxe-box' can be a collaboration with Ben... and ideally may be ready to launch in good timing for Christmas... but is not on it's own a #1 focus of the business... just a top-end product.

Taking a breather and resetting my brain (I think?)

I'm doing quite well lately, I've been on my new anti-depressant tablets about a month now - and there really is a big noticeable difference (was I really rather crazy before!??)

Anyway, I am feeling good - much less emotional and mood-swing proned. Still get much more tired than I would like... so I wonder if the fatigue is the #1 problem (which is why I went to the Dr in the first place) - and that the depression was simply a side effect of the fatigue, and still the first issue hasn't been addressed? - not too sure yet...

I'm trying to change my habits (as I have been trying unsuccessfully for the past year or so!) - and perhaps I am getting there now! - Just trying to do less, trying not to say "Yes" to too many things and jump in too quickly... even saying a "no" to a few things that I have already said yes to when I realise that there is still too much on my plate.

I've been reading quite a few new books lately: 'The Element' by Ken Robinson, 'Share your Work', 'The War of Art'. All very good.

I am trying to figure out if I really have found "My Element" - or if I am close but sidelined a bit, and letting "resistence" stop me from going for what I really want?? A bit confusing...

All I know is that I LOVE so much about all that I have achieved and am achieving with my business A Little Creative. The concern is whether I 'should' be doing more of my own art... and if so what exactly??

The picture-story books idea and plans have been on the agenda for quite some time now: but I can't manage to knuckle down and commit to it. Is that resistance? Or is just not a #1 priority for me at the moment? The biggest problem I have is that I am so time-poor. I always have too many ideas and not enough time. It is hard enough to find the time to THINK about things properly...

I think I am on track. I am just giving myself a 'breather' - time to chill, time to explore... and time to practise not jumping in to anything too quickly.

I AM doing lots more art, and I love it. Never enough time to do it all - which is a good sign that I am on the right track I guess.

I've got an eco-fashion design event coming up next month... kind of wishing I hadn't put my hand up for it - as there's always a lot involved... but trying to spin it to completely suit my own interests...

Should be fun. Tilly will love it I reckon.

As for my own art.. I'm enjoying doing watercolour painting... I think painting and collage may be my #1 passions at the moment...

I have a little bit of time whilst Ben has taken the kids to the movies... so I will try to do some now!

xo

I just need S-P-A-C-E.... (I guess?)

It's Wednesday again... the first day of the week for me without Curtis - as we went away for a long weekend, and only came home yesterday... So my one and only "work" day is started with a LONG list of to-do's, plus a larger load of washing and unpacking stuff from the holidays... I even made things more complicated for myself by allowing Tilly to stay home from school an extra day!

I really enjoyed getting away for a few days (we went to Maryborough and Harvey Bay) - but it wasn't long enough. I wanted to stay away... I didn't want to come back... I didn't want to step back into my real life and have to face things again... I wanted to hide... Just stay away and have fun on holiday: yep, that sounds like a good idea!

So this morning and yesterday since I have come back I have been feeling rather ANXIOUS...

I have written the 'necessary' to-do list.. cleaned up the kitchen, put a load of washing on, made a cup of tea (morale-boosting-liquid), and headed out to my computer with the intention TO DO as quickly as possible what needs to be done on my list... and then hopefully have some 'FREE-TIME' left over to do some fun things with Tilly...

And I just can't get started.. I don't want to... I can't...

So I am writing here instead.

I think I am just completely overloaded, exhuasted and shattered - over what has been a cumulative- effect over the past few years.

When I look back at the past few years and what major things we have done and experienced - it is quite amazing and mind-blowing. There has been a huge amount of stress and exhaustion... not very much 'taking-things easy' - which seems to be something that I don't really know how to do.

Yes it would be great if I had a different personality. If I naturally knew how to keep my life in more balance and order and avoid all the chaos. I hate that I seem to have the same repeat pattern of running really hard (at life and goals) and then burning myself out.

But I can't quite change how I am. And all I know is that right now I want to DO A LOT LESS. I want to LET-GO of so many of my "responsibilities" and "shoulds" (namely all the "shoulds" with my business: A Little Creative) - I just want to be ME. I want life to be simpler, less hectic. I want to have fun with my kids, do a bit of housework and organisation, do a bit of art and play for me...

I just need more physical space and mental space - for as long as I need it. Until I feel better, and able to take more on again...

And there's only one real way to go about that. And that's just deciding to DO IT. Declaring that that's what I need, and LETTING GO of all the extra stuff that I do: handing tasks over to other people, and if others don't do them.. then not caring that they're not getting done for a while.

I am mentally-exhausted, suffering from depression as a result of putting too much pressure on myself. I need to look after myself. I need some time and space to recover. xoxo

Trying...

Okay, so since my last post.. you may be wondering how I am going...?

I'm getting there.
I'm tired. I'm worn out... and when I scroll through all the previous blog-posts it really sounds like the same old tune!

Farrk! It's hard! Life is just SO darn bloody hectic - just being a mum, and not even trying to run a business or do things for myself. Trying to squeeze just a little bit of everything in (work, exercise, my art, all the family demands... a little time for me..) - does really seem quite impossible.

So then I get days like today when I just can't be motivated. I just don't know where to start. I feel tired and teary. I give 'permission' to myself to give myself a bit of space and time to ME... but what should I even do??

So far, I've made a coffee, put a load of washing on, sent a couple of business emails, caught-up with Facebook-life for a few minutes (I am quite over facebook - so it is kind of weird just peering at it for a moment, and seeing pictures and snippets of random people's lives... People that I like, miss, care about - but never see in real-life... and it just kind of adds to the guilt of never having time to write a letter or call...)

So yeah... Here I am. Feeling teary. Feeling tired. (But of course there's no point going and lying down for a nap is there!? - I've just had a coffee!)... There's a long list of work-stuff I could/should do.

For me... I guess I'm best to go for a walk, and try and do a little bit of fun-art for me... the necessity to clean/clear-up my art-space a bit more emerges...

Inactivity. Indecision. Lack of motivations. Feeling teary. All signs of depression...

I went to the counselor on the weekend... I don't really feel like it helped me at all... I don't know if I'll go back again soon... I didn't go to the GP either..

I don't think I have any major 'problems' to solve through talking... I just have to slow-down, and learn to adjust to life at a bit of a different pace.... I'm just so used to running in those two modes: full on, or collapse.

Woe is me :( xo

The rate of flow...

Oh yes, definitely my depression has come back to bite me again :(

I thought I was okay... I had almost forgotten about it throughout the start of the week - as my child-care days were mega-busy... but I busied myself along doing lots of things that I had to, and trying to have a bit of 'fun' and do healthy things for myself along the way...

Then by Friday (today) I awoke feeling quite anxious about all the things that I haven't managed to do this week but wanted to/needed to/intended to (??) - and always there is quite a long list...

Lately I have had quite a problem doing the little, simple, mundane chores - which aren't a big deal on their own... but I just can't manage to motivate myself to do them... (Eg admin and accounts etc. for my business, tidying up some of the messy spots at home, doing those few extra chores which seem to make all the difference between feeling on top of things, or buried beneath it!)

I can launch myself at the BIG things... but I can't manage to cope with the small things...

I was trying to talk to Ben in the minuscule amount of time in the morning that it is possible to 'talk' before he goes to work and when the kids are not hassling me... Sharing how I felt... He reminded me that my lack of focus and ability to make the decisions and do the things that I'm wanting to do are probably symptoms of my depression... and I'm like: "oh yeah, that's right.. I forgot I had depression... I though it was just me..."

So yes, I am struggling a bit. And when I have a bit of time to try to think about it more - or explain it to others all the tears will rapidly overflow.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be asking my family to help me out, and explain why I am not coping so well at the moment. I don't want to hear their sympathy - and their attempts to understand me (which often to my ears can feel as if they don't quite understand me - so then I feel a bit angry and hurt and misunderstood). I don't want them to think that I have a "problem"... because it makes me feel a bit 'retarded' (yes, not at all a 'pc' word - but it is what I think)...

I just want to be 'normal'. (Not a 'normal' person - as I acknowledge that I am quite different from most people! - I am very creative, intelligent, and I think a lot (too much?) about things... and I don't want to change who I am, I just want to feel like the 'normal' me - not the 'me' who feels over tired, overemotional and easily overreacts to things...)

Another problem that I think I have right now is that I am trying to "FIX" myself. I am trying to "think" my way out of it... I am trying to be my own GP and counsellor... and I don't think that quite works... Because when I don't feel too good, then I am blaming myself for not having done a good enough job. For not looking after myself enough, for not balancing things properly, for not knowing all the answers and having the right solution.

I don't want to have depression. I hate it. I know I don't have it so bad that I am a danger to myself, or that even most areas of my life are suffering because of it. I am actually managing pretty darn well. I am coping as well as I could be, and that is pretty good. But I do have it at the moment... Without a doubt.

I have made another appointment with my GP for Monday, and another one with my counselor the following Saturday ( 8 days away)... who knows how I will feel when I see them?.. Who knows if I will be able to convey the reality of how I am at the moment?... Or if they will recognise that I need help, and if they will be able to help me at all? The reality is that I am very up and down at the moment. When I am good, I am great and even I don't realise that I have depression. And in general I am coping extremely well with everything. Most people (outside of the family) wouldn't have a clue - they wouldn't even guess. I am very good at coping. And when you have that brief time in the doctor's office, or with a counselor - obviously you are in a 'coping well' moment at that point in time - because you have managed to get out the door and get yourself to the appointment, you have managed to sit in the waiting room and look like a normal person... Then what? Suddenly, at the appropriate time you have to let the guard down and reveal all the problems and issues that you don't quite understand yourself, that you don't want to have.. that you keep even forgetting about because your brain isn't working properly at the moment... You let the tears spill a little, fully aware that very soon you have to walk out the door again and look like a normal person again and smile at the secretary, and pay your bill (brain needs to be functioning enough to remember your pin number), and get to your car again and drive home and get straight back into all the chores, the children's demands, the things that leave you with no time spare to think or relax...

I don't friggin have time for depression! - I don't want to waste my time going to the doctors and making and meeting different appointments. Sometimes I wonder if I would just be better off giving myself that time to go for a walk, and sit at the beach and watch the waves, to think, to write...

I have experienced depression a heck of a lot in my life... Obviously it is 'different' at various times... but right now: having young kids and everything that is on my plate - it is hard to find the time to squish dealing with it in!!

Ooops I've realised that I've totally forgotten to write about what I initially intended which was an evaluation of my understanding of depression and me (and relates to the the title of this blog!) so here goes:

For me, I feel as though depression is when my bucket is completely full. (I am the bucket in this metaphor) I have reached my capacity (for whatever reason) - and any more 'pressure', 'stress', 'demands' etc. I simply just cannot handle - they spill over the top and tumble down as tears (or anger!). Sometimes (when the bucket is completely full) then there is no escape from the avalanche of tears and sadness - anything at all that gets poured on top can have a devastating reaction (obviously this is when your depression is very bad). At other times, your bucket may be nearly full - but you are still functioning a reasonable amount so that the water in your bucket is going down a little bit... So a lot of things you can handle... and it only overflows every now and then.... Depression comes about when the "rate of flow" out of your bucket is less than the "rate of flow" of what is being poured into it.
Yep - so by relating to my Year 11 maths, I am able to understand this illness a bit!

For now, I have to manage to 'take things easier' and look after myself better with less stress - whilst the water in my bucket naturally seeps away as currently it is too near the top!

Maybe I have to learn some better strategies to somehow increase the rate of flow out of my bucket?? Or maybe I simply just have to accept that too much has been poured into it at this point of time (by others?), and that that's just how it is?

I feel confident that I do know how to look after myself and make myself better. Probably I am just doubting that ability and feeling anxious and doubtful and questioning things simply because I am in the depression mode at the moment - which puts a negative spin on everything, and a lot of self-doubt.

I am 'okay' underneath it all. Time will heal all I think... I am just being impatient perhaps? Or maybe there is something "to do" that can help to "fix" things for the future??

I'll keep you posted no doubt... xo

Tired as usual... but plodding along

It's 11pm as I write this... I had come out to the studio to try and clear up, or do some screen-printing, or scan my sketchbooks... do something useful.. but not too much has happened..

That's okay.

Essentially I am learning to be much kinder to myself, and slow down, be patient etc.

Hard to do, as always so many ideas flowing around in my head!

I am being active with doing more artwork for me.. Enjoying the collages, learning to crochet better, doing sketches, illustrator designs, and anything arty as often as I can.

( I will share some images soon - but need a bit more time to scan stuff and get pics off my phone...)

I still feel as though I am lacking direction a bit... (in regards to my own art!)  - the number one goal that I seem to have in mind is to do some of my picture-book illustrations/designs... yet it is quite difficult for me to find the time for that...

I am still rolling along quite steadily with A Little Creative. - and I am enjoying all that is going on.

Last week I went to my GP as a follow up to some blood-tests, as I have been feeling SO tired and drained lately... I suspected that perhaps my iron levels were down again, but turns out that they are fine and instead the Dr was suggesting it could be depression.

I completely denied it initially - but when I went home and thought about it - I could recognise all the signs quite well - so I immediately felt depressed!!

Anyway, I am seeing our counsellor again very soon, and am aware that I just need to focus on looking after myself more... not going to sleep early probably is the bad habit I need to address!

A bit of depression is quite reasonable considering the stress and pressures that I have had this year - and I am happy that I have recognised the signs early - and will not let it get any worse!

I set myself some creative goals for August:

and I am pleased with my progress so far...

* Better quality paints have been ordered, and arrived (Jo Sonya's) - plus some new brushes for myself, and some rounds canvases to experiment with!

* I have been VERY busy trying to get better organised... and I am still getting there. On Monday I moved my desk from the main studio space into the 'shop' room, and moved a large shelf of shop-stock out. Essentially I am aiming to give myself the WHOLE shop room to be my own private studio space!! - which is very exciting - but will take me a bit of time to get things sorted properly. As classes are ongoing in the studio I am clearing and making that space as functional as possible - and then will endeavour to 'dig' myself out of the mess left over in my own room... Just need more time as usual!

* Picture story books... hmm yeah... I have fund the story drafts, and done a bit more planning of layout... but yet to start any of the REAL illustrative/design work - that will be my goal this weekend!

* Write to my pen-pal... yep, that will happen soon too!

Just feel happy that I am getting 'there'... Not that 'there' is anywhere really!: other than just being in the here and now, and feeling happy. A heck of a lot of mess and clutter I have been needing to sort through (and a few 'problems' here and there), but I feel as though all is definitely headed in the right directions xoxoxo

The avalanche of change??

Oh my...
So, this blog has been revived of late - as I am thinking things through...

Since, making the decision to FOCUS more on my own artwork earlier this year... I have been facing constant new challenges, as essentially my mind is evolving in a completely new direction - and lets's face it... all change is a bit difficult and takes time to get used to.

I have just re-read the pertinent and recent blog-post: 'What is my passion and how do I head to it?" - in which I declared that I WANT TO BE AN ARTIST - and how I planned to head towards that...

But obviously declaring something, is a lot different to doing something about it... and often the DOING is far from straightforward. Already I have had to face the challenge of considering applying for a full-time job in an art-gallery... which definitely appealed to me for various reasons... But for many good reasons I have discarded that as an option for me...

I am realising that to BE an artist will mean making changes and sacrifices...And as I progress gingerly towards that desire/goal/intention - I am being faced with some of the challenges and changes that I have to make.

It is confronting.

As I mentioned in that previous post: I want to slow down and step back from my business A Little Creative. Mentally I already have.."

Yep mentally... But not physically...

Today I felt aggro, irritable, teary.... and I wasn't too sure why. I had just enjoyed a bit of extra "me" time as the kids had a sleep-over at my parents... I took the opportunity to start doing some oil-painting - and I LOVED getting the oil paints out - after them being put away for several years.

After a bit of exploring my angry/upset mood I realise that is caused by the strong desire within me to do more art, and the frustration of not having enough time to focus on it.

I love my family. I love being a mum. My children come first of course. But I realise now what a HUGE conflict my business A Little Creative now is to my new goals.

I do feel a lot of emotional turmoil. As I have created A Little Creative. I was building it up with quite a long-term strategy - and it is growing and developing so well. So many of my dreams and goals were tied up with that business. It is very hard to realise that my dreams and goals have changed, and what I have worked so hard to create is holding me back from moving forward.

Definitely I want to take time-off from my A Little Creative work. I want to give that extra time to myself and my artwork. I want to re-claim the studio for myself so that I have more space to work, and can leave my materials out rather than having to put them away to accommodate classes...

Hmmm... already I am thinking up some compromises here....

I am considering the option of selling the business.

Also of course there is the option of just putting it all on-hold for a while... but the ME that tends to be a bit "all or nothing" in my approach to life, doesn't quite see that I would want to pick it back up again in 4 months, 6 months, 12 months etc... that maybe I am best to just bite the bullet and sell it off now??

Hmmm. yeah, a bit of confusion and turmoil going on.

But ultimately it is all very frigging positive. It means that I am taking my new desires and directions quite seriously, and I just have to sort through the issues as I go along!

I have an overactive C-head

I do have a bit of a problem…

The symptoms are that I can often feel like a bit of a manic-depressive person: swinging rapidly between extreme highs of excitement, enthusiasm and energy, then down to negative, depressiveness, frustration and fatigue. I have problems making decisions and choices. I feel anxious and stressed when I have a rare bit of time to myself. I often feel overloaded and overwhelmed.

Last year, in a particularly exhausted part of my life my doctor suspected an overactive thyroid could be the problem. It wasn’t: my thyroid was functioning normally,however more tests revealed I had very low iron levels instead. Now my iron levels are normal again, and I am attempting to be more balanced with my life: look after my body with healthy eating, exercise and sleep… But I have realised that I DO have a problem, which most doctors (and any regular people for that matter) would probably laugh at.

I have an OVERACTIVE CREATIVE HEAD! I can’t walk down the street, pick up a magazine, watch a show on television without noticing a detail which triggers something in my brain that is a completely new creative idea of something I could make, draw, sew, print, paint, write, etc.

Help me!!

Yeah, yeah – you non-creative people are probably just rolling your eyes wondering how on earth that could be a problem. Lucky you, you probably think: it would be fabulous to be creatively talented… How much fun it would be to be an artist and designer and design and make things all day, to be doing what you love. What could be hard about that?

But you. YOU, hopefully the one reading this! Are you creative too? DO you understand?? Do you get me? Can you comprehend the torture that it is to just have too many ideas, so many possibilities, a zillion and one creative desires and no possible way of being able to DO many of them in the amount of hours that are available in the day!!!

Maybe you have a full-time job (in a non-creative career) that obviously pays the bills, and allows you to buy food to eat… so the amount of time you can spend doing your creative-desires is limited to the few hours outside of that…

Maybe you are a mum, like me, and thus way too many hours are taken up doing mum things for those little people that constantly need you, and that slightly irritating big-person who seems to need you a bit too much too… So somehow you have to snatch little tiny snippets of creative-time, and try to not feel guilty that you are not cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the floors, or out earning money in a ‘real job’…

Or maybe, (Lucky YOU! – as most people would imagine) you are making money from your art and designs – and living the ‘dream’. But I know the truth: you have worked DARN-BLOODY HARD to get where you are and actually earn some sort of ‘income’ from your work. And the reality is that the money you earn rarely equates to the amount of hours you have put in, or of course the years of earning sub-zero that led you to this point… You (Lucky You) now still have the same problem, that the creative ideas still cannot be achieved within that 24 hours of daytime available.

SO what do you do?

I don’t know. Tell me if you know.

The over-active Creative-head can seem like a problem… but I am trying to recognise it as the gift that it is, and just learn better ways of taming and controlling the crazy-wild beast that lives within!

I am trying to ignore feeling frustrated. I try to put the blinkers over my eyes a little bit – and at least filter out a little bit of the ideas and visual overload that bombards me every day.

I am trying to do little bits of ‘Me-Art’ (NOT work, or products, or things with a particular outcome in mind) every day or so - just sketching, drawing, writing, collaging… and allow a bit of what I see and think and feel to come out – and perhaps be built on in the future…

I am trying to have some sort of ‘discipline’ with my goals and ideas. I am thinking more about what I choose to work on, and making sure I am putting my energy towards things I REALLY want to do! – Rather than just something I could do, is fashionable, would be fun… etc.

I am trying to be patient, be realistic with my expectations, and be proud of all that I do achieve.

I am trying hard to lead a healthy and happy life, despite having an overactive Creative-head.

If you too have an overactive C-head feel free to share your stories and remedies! There is always strength in numbers, and having a support-group for this sort of affliction ;)

NO I do NOT want a full-time job!

...Because I already have one...or a lot more than one really!

Yes, my head has been spinning about the job at the gallery - and whether or not I should apply...

There's been a few days of completely changing my mind going on... And again I am back to NO. (and I intend to remain at that decision)

My recent plans and desires had been to 'pull-back' a lot from all the work I have been doing with A Little Creative. To try and find that elusive 'balance' that I have always desired... and I realise that this is not necessary an easy thing for me to do as my brain has been hard-wired to work hard and just jump into things.. and I have been used to putting myself last, and neglecting the housework and many other areas of life.

(Taking this job - or even applying for it - would mean that I have not learnt anything at all. That I am willing to just 'jump-in' and run hard, as always, regardless of the costs... and ignoring the benefits of taking life more slowly.)

Slowly I have been feeling that I am starting to make progress with changing my habits and my thinking - and indeed good outcomes are already starting to show on the home-front (incrementally tiny zones are getting cleaner and clearer!!), and I am trying to exercise more, do more of my own creativity and thinking... and even RELAX and ENJOY life more!!!

For ages I have known all the "shoulds" but I haven't been actively living any of the changes that I want.

My relationship with Ben has also had lots of ups and downs the past few years... and I honestly think that taking more time to nurture me, the family, and the relationship is what is needed by us all much more NOW than any extra commitments and pressures - or money too!

Indeed the job can be quite enticing... The salary would be lovely ( I already know exactly how I would spend that money!)... it would be great for my EGO if I could make it work as I have always desired to feel satisfied in my job and career...

But basically what I would be giving up, or putting at risk is completely not worth it in comparison.

A huge thanks to a facebook friend who wisely suggested I consider:
"So what's more important - whatever you would do in your non-work time or this perfect job? What are your strongest values and feelings? Would this fulltime job align with them?"

And also LOTS of other people who gave me their input and advice when I was in my quandry...

It has been a VERY hard decision for me to make.

But, similar to the decision not to sign the shop lease at Currimundi last year, it is simply not the right time for me to take on this commitment.

My values of being there for my kids are very strong, and I know other mums may manage to work long hours in their career - but for me it is not what I want for myself and my children at these ages.

My husband supports me, and that is great.

My choice is to slow down more. Focus on my core values... and enjoy life.

A great example or image of this is Tilly's little sock-mice that I helped her to make yesterday... (I LOVE that she came up with the idea herself, and was happy to spend most of the afternoon making them, and went to bed cuddling one of them - whilst I still had to finish sewing ears and eyes on the other mice at night... and now they are living in a little box-house and they 'sing' a lot! - so cute!!)

(Hopefully another blog-post about them soon!)

I value the SIMPLE things in life. Time with my family and friends, time being creative and exploring life. 

I think this experience of considering the gallery job will be very good for me. I have made my choice, and I think I will cherish so much more my time spent dropping the kids at school and childcare, cleaning up the house, making food, doing laundry, playing with my kids, talking to them, relaxing, being available whenever they need me.

And who knows what I can achieve by giving myself more TIME to be ME, and to be more creative!?...

xo

Choices...conflicts...opportunities/distractions you weren't expecting...

Arrrruugghhhghghgh!

I was very pleased with my last post. I felt focused. Happy. And even confident enough to share it with the world which I did via facebook...

And then only hours later (the next day) a bit of a curb-ball came hurtling my way.

As part of my A Little Creative work I teach regularly at the Caloundra Regional Gallery, and indeed I am LOVING teaching in that environment and being involved with the Gallery...

Julie - the staff person whom I deal with there, is actually leaving, and her job-position is being advertised... I was aware of this, and had a little "hmmm that's interesting, I wonder if the job would suit me.." moment.. but after clarifying that the job is full-time, and thinking about how so often Julie seems to be quite rushed off her feet and in and out of constant meetings... I just wiped the idea off and didn't give it any thought.. I assumed, that probably I wasn't even qualified enough...

Then Wednesday when I am setting up for my art-class there Julie mentions the job again and says: "Are you sure you're not interested to apply for it?"

(Interested!? YES. F*ck yes, I am... but I'm a mum... I couldn't do full-time...)

So I asked if she thought I'd be a suitable candidate (response: yes, definitely) and asked her to print out the job description for me to take a  look at it.

Pretty much the job is PERFECT for me. And yes, a HUGE part of me would love to do it...

Turmoil. Angst... A sleepness night....

And by Thursday morning I had decided: NO. It's just not the right time for me... I couldn't possibly work full-time. I wouldn't want to put my kids second to my job. A few tears... feelings of disappointment... cups-of-teas and chatting it over with various people.. who all tended to agree with me..
Phew. Happy that that's over with... Now move on and back to my original plans..

Then today I had a meeting at the gallery at 11am - to discuss this event facilitation that I am doing with them in early September... Good meeting. Went for almost an hour (unpaid to me of course) Lots of fun creative ideas generated.. Enjoyed it...

And suffered HUGE PANGS about the job (and my decision not to go for it) again...

So now I am re-thinking.... a little? I rang up the recruitment person for the postion and asked a couple of questions... Turns out it is a 9 day fortnight... regular hours of 8:15-5:05pm, time off in lieu when you have to work outside those hours for weekend and evening events...

I know my answer should be NO and I should just stick to that and wipe it from my mind... but it's hard.

Do I want this job? YES. The me who is not a mum (and I guess that's not me is it??) really, really really would love this job. I enjoy working. I am a career focused person... and I guess I have had to suffer and deal with some hugely bitter disappointment with myself and my career - since I chose to walk away from teaching in a school - as I didn't like it.  I didn't feel that there was a job around and available for me that I would like to do... I figured I would have to create it for myself - and thus I threw my energies into A Little Creative.

This job. I would love the experience of working in the gallery. I would love that environment. The position is for the 'Education and Public Programs Officer' - and the criteria required and key responsibilities do read quite perfectly for me...

One thought is: just apply for it, and see what happens... as obviously I may not even get it...  But I don't think I could even go for it, if I haven't figured it out in my own head.

I told Julie today I wasn't going to apply.... Now obviously, I am having doubts...

I know. I know... I'm torturing myself. If I am to look at it all realistically and rationally I shouldn't waste anytime thinking about it.

My values are to be there for my kids... I don't want to work full-time. Those hours would change our lives astronomically (of which Ben, really isn't very aware - and hence he really isn't the best person to discuss it with.. neither is anyone I know who doesn't have kids..)

I'm torturing myself. Just say no. and move on....

(can I??)

What is my passion and HOW do I head to it...?

Thinking a LOT lately...

Figuring some things out (I think?)

And feeling utterly confused by other things aswell...

All triggered by doing the 'Inspiration and Information' course by Pip Lincolne recently...

Plus I have started to read the book: 'The Divided Heart - Art and Motherhood' by Rachel Power which already is frigging awesome!!!

I have decided that I definitely want to do more of my own art and creativity. I WANT TO BE AN ARTIST. And yep, the intangibility of that statement and goal scares the crap out of me!!

I want to slow down and step back from my business A Little Creative. Mentally I already have...

But I feel quite confused about the next steps...

In my head I believe that I need to give myself time and space to explore, to breathe.. to figure out what the best next steps for me are in a few months time...

This talk on Passion by Randy Komisar which my husband just sent me the link to is very fitting!  I need not stress about pinpointing the exact 'passion' that I am aiming at - or a particular point I am aiming at - just head in that direction...

Yes. I feel excited and empowered. And also I feel shit-scared!

For as long as I can remember I have been a high achiever and I have constantly thrown myself at projects. And indeed I often succeed in achieving quite a lot... and then 'balance' it out disastrously by having a major crash (at least with fatigue, and often with depression).

Just this morning I felt excited. I was telling my husband what I had read and am thinking... asking and needing reassurance from him that I have his support... Looking forward to starting... And then when that 'moment' of ME time comes I feel anxious, bewildered, overwhelmed, self-doubting etc.

I think I just need to completely learn new habits... I need to go slow... be kind to myself...

I fear that I lack self-discipline... That I need more structure...

But I guess I can give that to myself.. I just need to try and get used to the changes (????)

Regardless - the first step(s) is to dig myself out of the mess I am in at my desk, in my studio, with all my paperwork etc.

My instinct tells me that I will head first towards my own writing and illustrating (FOCUS #1 is to FIND the folder that I have lost that has the early workings in it of my picture-book plans!!!) - as for me, this at least has a bit more 'structure' to it.

I WANT to do more of my own art in regards to painting, printing, sculpting - just playing around really... I am not too interested to make 'products' (been there, done that... hasn't grabbed me)... and just trying to do ART for art's sake, still scares the bejeesus out of me! - SO for now, i'll just call it PLAY.

I am constantly seeking reassurance - particularly from my husband, and other family and friends (not that I've told many people yet)... as I feel like I am walking into a completely unknown area...

And I am. But I think it is the RIGHT place for me to be heading... a place I have ignored and denied myself of for far too long...

I estimate that nothing hugely tangible will come of it for a year or so... but I strongly believe that it is the right steps for me to take... and that I will be thankful for taking this risk in the long run...

As for A Little Creative - I am letting it drift along... I am pulling my energy away from it a lot at the moment... but will explore spending more time doing blog posts... perhaps creating courses, videos... and also more product-packs... but without any significant deadlines on myself.

I think I just need TIME to explore a few things, and I know that the general direction involves nurturing myself and my own art practices...

I need to believe in myself... Follow my current passsions... set some short-term goals and go forth!

Slowly the sands are shifting...

So in my last blogpost I realised that I've been saying the same things over and over for far too long - and not at all managing to properly adjust my life...

I think I am in a period of adjustment now... and it is scary and exciting!

I am DOING less. I am THINKING more. I am realizing that the things that I want are really quite simple. All the BIG things, the hard things.. the ideas that get me excited (but also make me think: how the heck am I going to do that!?) - they can wait.

My business is great - and I have LOTS of ideas of how I want to develop it further... but for now, that can wait too. It needs to, because I have been neglecting myself and so many other areas of my life.

So much of life has to do with TIMING... and I think I have been quite in denial to the realities of the amount of time I really have to do the things I want... I don't want to spend my time rushing. I want to spend my time enjoying and doing the things I value most...

From the moment I brought my first tiny little baby Mathilda home (and had to spend endless hours sitting on the couch breast-feeding) - my mummy-brain went into crazy overdrive thinking up all the ideas of things I wanted to design (all fabulous ideas of course!), businesses to create... I hated the term "mumpreneur" - but it was in that direction that my mind always escaped to... I didn't enjoy being "stuck at home" all day, feeling isolated, lonely - with only the joys of 'housework' and baby-ness to stimulate me. Yes I adored and loved my baby - but my brain needed more intellectual stimulation and it ran-away from me and escaped into the world of BIG ideas. As can be the case with many new mums - my expectations of motherhood did not match the reality! I had thought I would enjoy being a stay-at-home mum.. but I soon realised that I didn't! The idea of working part-time appealed to me hugely... But I had burnt my pre-baby career bridge and resigned from my job when I was utterly ill with morning-sickness - and I had no desire to return to that type of work again. I was lost.  I'd lost my identity of ME. I missed working. I was depressed that I hadn't established something that I could go back to... My problem-solving brain kept trying to come up with solutions.

Fast-forward 6 years later... and I now have two beautiful children (aged 6 and 4). I have managed to create a successful business for myself - through a lot of hard work and determination, and struggling against the odds. As well as that, I have faced so many emotional and physical challenges: moving interstate, selling our first house on my own, building a new house, dealing with a severely ill husband and lots of FEARS of the unknown surrounding his diagnosis, husband's work instability once we moved to Qld, lots of relationship problems, ill-health of my aging parents, deaths of relatives and friends, my own ill health... and quite a lot more...

The bottom line is: I have pushing myself hard for years. And I completely need a break!

Having my own studio has been a dream/an indulgence/and also a noose around my neck as I have felt committed to making and earning enough money to justify holding onto it.

I am a creative person. And being creative is how I want to live my life. But I am realising that it has to be balanced and intertwined with the other areas of my life that are important... There is no point having a studio, filled with art materials, and running lots of classes if I myself am exhausted and drained.
I need to give myself more time and space. My creativity will be able to flourish when I have a balanced life.
One of the initial tasks in the recent 'Inspiration and Information' course by Pip Lincolne - required us to write a list of what you want to FEEL each day. My list is:

happy
free
relaxed
organized
positive
powerful
complete
aware
connected
calm
CREATIVE

It is time for me to be aware of that WHOLE list... and to restructure my life so that I am trying to achieve them all.. not just being creative.. xo

I SO can't do it all!

I do feel like this blog so often becomes just a whinge-fest for me.

Sometimes I give myself some pretty good advice (like on the previous post!), and then I don't follow through too well with embracing my own good ideas and putting them into practice.

Probably because I don't really know how!? Or I don't even give myself TIME to try and change my habits!?

I just find that there is always just WAY TOO MUCH to do. I can see in my head that I want to change things and to simplify... But everyday can just feel like a race where I never get where I want to be. I feel a bit stuck: running... trying to slow down... and confused with all the chaos that is surrounding me...

I enjoy my work. I am proud of it. I have lots of great ideas and talents - but nowhere near enough time to dedicate to this area at this stage of my life. My kids come first. My family needs are more important... and MY needs also want to be addressed... (But part of my needs, are wanting to do my work... that's why I get it all confused I guess..) (This blog-post a year and a half ago proves I haven't advanced too far in stepping away from my business and more towards my own art/life...)

It's no wonder I can feel 'lost' and confused and frustrated and anxious each time I have a 'few hours' to sit at my desk, step in the studio, do something... But what is best for me to do!? I generally run around doing all the 'last-minute' majorly urgent things - which are easy to put at the top of the priority list because of the urgent deadline!
(Hmmmm... sounds like the patterns I developed way back in my early uni days... if not before...)

I have been trying to slow-down and take more time to think. Time to reflect... Time to come up with 'better' more 'efficient' plans.... but it feels a bit like having a treadmill running at mega-fast speed. I step off it for a while... but then when I try to step back on it is still running at the fast pace...and I quickly feel stressed and overwhelmed.

(This sounds like stuff I have been realizing for a heck of a LONG time!! - I want to be able to operate at a turtle pace - not a crazy hare! see this blog post!!)

I just reread another post: WHY am I doing it all... written just over two years ago. And re-reading it I can see that I have been fueled by a lot of anger (at past people not encouraging and supporting my art!)... Yes, I strongly believe in my agenda and focus for A Little Creative. I am filled with PASSION and PURPOSE... And I have grabbed hold of one part of what I wanted (to create a successful creative business) with both hands and just dug my claws in against the odds, and have achieved SO much with my sheer determination! But is it really what I should be doing? Is it really what I want to achieve - at THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE??? - Even then, I was wondering about that answer. And with two year's extra hind-sight (tears!) I can say that I think I have got it all wrong. (Lots more tears... but at least I'm being honest).

The more I did, the more successful things have become.. the more proud I felt of myself, and is if this validated that YES I was on track... But lets be brutally honest: It has all been way TOO HARD on me! I have worn myself out. I have not allowed myself a break. I have not been able to find any balance - because I have just been doing way too much. I have probably missed 'THE POINT' a lot! I have forgotten to look after ME properly... to identify MY NEEDS... I took my passions/desire and disappointments in my creative past - and channeled them into a business that was hugely about serving OTHER's creative needs - at a time when I have so little time to give to myself anyway!... and like so many other people, I have overlooked and undervalued my own creativity.

In the past I have wrestled with the option of 'letting go' or stopping A Little Creative and I realise (or blieve right now at least) that I cannot. I just can't close the doors on all that I have achieved. But I can be pretty darn proud of the fact that I have built something that can exist with or without me pushing it hard.

The answer is: I have to REALLY simplify things. Make the website work for all the 'admin' payments, communications side of things - and free myself up hugely to the minimum possible for the time being whilst I look after ME more - and indulge in more of my own creativity! (and yes, catch-up on a bit of the housework that I always neglect.)

My business has felt like a guilded-cage that I have built for myself and then become trapped within.. but I reckon I can just cut a few bars, and allow me to escape more...

To completely change my mindset, and my daily/weekly habits - I need to keep reminding myself of my new goals - and allow myself the TIME to change!!

I CAN DO IT.

Who I want to be... (as a mother and an artist, and a business-owner)

I've been giving myself a wee-bit more time to think lately.. Something I obviously definitely need...

So off the top of my head I might as well tackle the big isues! so here goes:

As a mum:
- I want to always be there for my children. I want to love them, support them and nurture them. I want to assist them to grow into loving, caring and responsible adults. That means making hard decisions and sacrifices, and learning lots along the way. I don't want to be overprotective, or over indulgent. I want to instill my children with these essential values:
- to know how to love themselves and others,
- to be self-confident and have respect for themselves and others.
- to be independent in their thinking and actions - but also intuitive, understanding and caring of others.
- to appreciate and care for nature and animals, and the envronment.
- to value their creative talents and creative thinking.
- to be strong enough to always walk their own path - to make decisions and have the freedom/courage to follow their own heart and passions.
- to live life to be happy - not to please other people, or to line their pockets with wealth.
- to ponder and think. to pause.. to know when to whisper and know when to shout!

As an artist:
- I want to have the confidence to explore and create. To use the mediums I love and the talents that I have to express my love of life, my struggles and my passions...
- I don't want to over-think things. I want to trust my instincts and be confident in myself.
- I want to find my voice - and call out to all whoever may want to listen to me!
- I want to teach and share my passions, meet like-minded people and collaborate.
- I don't want to restrict my mind by seeking particular outcomes or goals first - nor 'commercialising' my art (or just making 'products')
- I want to continue to learn and explore...

As the owner of A Little Creative:
- I want to continue to develop and grow my business, and allow it to slowly expand to encompass more teachers and students throughout Australia...
- I want there to always be HEART and PASSION as the foundation of my business. Thus I see that it must be flexible - and never too 'commercial'.
- I want the business to be more than just ME and my ideas. I want to work in it and at it - but for it to have it's own presence and power that is completely separate to myself. (I gave it life - but I want it to grow in it's own way - and not just by my will and my own energies)
- I want to empower and support other creatives who would love to teach and share their knowledge and passion with students (especially children)
- I want to inspire and motivate others in their journey as artists - (which means I need to give myself my own freedom and time for my own journey too!)
- I want to promote the value of art and creativity to all!
- I do not want my business to overwhelm other areas of my own life. I need to maintain my own balance. My health, my family, my own interests and passions need to be nurtured first.

Creative FEAR (doubt, panic... WTF am I doing!??)

Rush. Rush. Rush!

I have just dropped the kids at my parents' place... I have only 2hrs and 15 minutes until they are delivered back to me.

I want to ignore the housework and the emails - and a million other chores that I could/should do in this time - and jump in and do some art instead!!

Me time. I deserve it. I want it...

But where the heck do I start!??

Feeling panicked. Short of breath.. A bit aggro and a bit teary.

(I realise that this is just all due to me not having much time and putting pressure on myself to 'create' and 'have fun' and hopefully do something I like the look of too! - Just need to ignore the fears and jump in!)

Kettle is on. I'm going to make a coffee. Pull out a canvas and just paint!

(I was going to try some stamp-printing... but don't think I have quite enough time for that...Hmm. We'll see...)

Ready to paint... I decided to try out my new painting-pad paper...

Frustratingly, I heard a car arrive at my house when I had only been painting for an hour... My parents had mixed up the time and were dropping the kids home an hour too early!! - I told them to make a cuppa, and sneaked back into the studio to do a bit more finishing off the paintings (and to wash off my very blue hands!!)

Some of the paintings that resulted from my art-blitz!

I enjoyed getting a fraction of time to paint.

I started out with a brush - and doing strong shapes (trying to emulate what I have been doing in my collages) - but before long I moved onto being more free with the paint - scraping, blending and using my fingers a bit.

The dark blue one is my favourite - and was the most accidental! - I actually started out painting over a rough piece of paper (not a good quality piece) with navy as I thought I could cut it up when dry for collage - but whilst painting it, something more interesting emerged...

I like it. It does relate strongly to a painting I did years ago at Uni that is still hanging in my house - though the previous one is completely different colours (in the reds).

I like this one too. It is most like my recent collage work:

These two are also okay (ish)...

I definitely overcame my original anxiety feelings... and desperately need to find more and more time to do my own art!!

I realised today that already I am trying to over-think my new art directions and interests. I need to just completely play around with my art for the next few months and see what comes of it - with no expectations or worries about where it might lead!

My Art. How to FOCUS more on my own art, and get myself into the ‘creative zone’...

I am someone who likes challenges. I like structure, rules, deadlines, goals... I like to throw myself at a project full-pelt, and yes, usually a bit of collateral damage (often burn-out) is done along the way...

I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want a different pace. I want to find my own harmony, and to set my own goals that I work towards slowly but surely... Let’s not even call them goals... They are just the things that I want to do. I want to focus on them better – have more patience and persistence... and definitely NOT have too many things going on at once, and leave too many projects unfinished... Or be distracted too easily by a ‘new’ super-duper idea that I’ve had... or be influenced by the gravitational pull of somebody else!

How do I do that? Can I do that??

I think the key for me will be to S-L-O-W D-O-W-N a lot!

You know all those other ‘goals’ (or To-Do things) that I have been forever neglecting: Like getting regular exercise!!! Decluttering, getting my office and house more organised... cooking healthier and yummier food, relaxing...

Yep – all of those things are important to do. And not in a tick-list: gotta cross them all off the list before I am even allowed to breathe kind of way. No. They’re not  “to-do” things.. They’re just life. They are my priorities, my values, and my own personal obstacles that I have put in my way.

When I have finally done A + B + C... it won’t necessarily = X

(I am also a very mathematically minded person!)

No. Life is not that simple. Life is messy. Life is mixed-up, unpredictable... and often trying to squish you down or hold you back from what you are leaning into the wind trying to achieve.

Life has it’s own cycles and rhythms. You have to go with the flow. Like a little rock or shell being tossed in the waves, eroded on the sand... pushed and pulled in different directions – and perhaps one day picked up by a curious beach-comber and taken to a different place... You have NO idea exactly where you will end up. You have NO control. You are just you, and you just have to be.

(oh my. I’ve crawled into some kind-of overly philosophical place... it’s too soft and squidgy here! I don’t think I like it... – time to move on!)

Where was I?

Oh yes, MY ART... Trying to FOCUS... (oh dear!)

My Art is just me. I have to make me and my life happier and healthier and how I want it. I need to go for walks every day. I need to focus on my family and a good proportion of my responsibilities... (don’t go over the top! – just clean the house and tidy to a somewhat acceptable standard every now and then...)

By walking, looking, thinking, smelling, relaxing, enjoying, etc. I will naturally be in a much better place to create.

My art is whatever the heck I make of it... I am a bit mixed-media (painting, clay, printing, paper) – but that’s okay. I am allowed to PLAY and explore in my art. I need to. I must.

I think I HAVE TO lose the ideas of making PRODUCTS. That is NOT my art. That direction is too confined, stifling and sets up all these extra hurdles and limitations.... Yes – it applies rules and structure (which is what I tend to like) – but for now, especially, I think I need to give myself a LOT more creative FREEDOM!  SO the ‘product’ ideas can all go and jump themselves into the bin for a little while! (Okay, maybe a few of them can fall into my work segment of life – but there needs to be a distinct and separate ‘my art’ part of my life that I am nurturing..)

So how am I nurturing it again??

Oh heck. I need some boundaries.. some tangible ‘goals’ written down..

Here goes:

-         - Walk daily – think about my art... quick sketches and notes as I feel like it each day.

-         - We’re almost in JULY... hmmm. Okay I want to produce 1 x ‘significant’ art-work each month! (how I do that, is up to me.. what medium it is.. size, scale, etc. doesn’t matter) – just have the goal to produce 1 piece that I consider to be ‘finished’ and that I am proud of!

-         - That’s it. Just do it. – and my goal is to have a small exhibition of my work in October 2015 (to coincide with my 40^th birthday)...

-        
          As yet I can’t determine what the main body of my work will be – or any particular ‘themes’ – I just have to start art-working and see what eventuates.

-         I’d like to give myself  1 day – or 2 x half days a week, that have a ‘My ART’ focus in order to achieve this..

Good-luck Lindy-Lou! Enjoy it, and you deserve it. It is YOUR passion – you have to go out there and do it. No more denial, excuses, guilt, etc. Just believe in yourself and try it! xo