i didn't do it

okay, so I didn't do what I said I would in my last post... instead, with my overloaded 'to do' list I thought stuff it, I won't do the re-enrolment forms and I won't declare that I am planning not to continue the classes either.. I'll just let it all slide and see how I feel about it after Christmas.. which was probably a wise choice... :)
I do feel a good deal happier lately. I do believe I am heading in the right direction... (wherever that is!? - just still a bit uncertain about the destination, but confident that the general direction is a good one!) and I am getting much better at being more patient and tolerant with my limitations (particularly to my time). I love my kids so much and a big part of all that I want and all that I'm doing is to make it all work and fit in around my children and my role as a mother - and I don't for one second want to begrudge them or feel dissatisfied with myself and my goals and ambitions because of my two beautiful and wonderful kids whom I love and want more than anything.. (and let's face it, I have been guilty of that! - perhaps not in actions, but in my mind...) SO I realise that I just HAVE TO alter my perspective.. I have been thinking about things in the wrong way - putting too much pressure on myself, being too ambitious with my thoughts... there's nothing wrong with having my 'big' goals and ambitions and dreams... but I have to put no time pressures or unreasonable expectations on my performance NOW. I am not trying to be 'businesswoman' of the year.. I am not trying to be 'mother' of the year either.. I am just me - and I need to slow down and believe in myself and be happy being me and operating at whatever pace I am able to, or choose to..
I have always been one to 'measure' things.. to have a time-line, a gradation of some sort - and right now I really have to let go of all that and let things grow more organically and unmeasured - just give the love, the focus, the attention bit by bit and believe that things WILL grow very well at their own pace!
I still am very frequently guilty of being a 'jealous' person... I look at what other's (women especially) have achieved and either feel envy to a degree.. or feel as if I could do it better or my art and designs etc are better than hers... and the thought that I am NOT getting 'out there' like that other person - eats me up and makes me feel sour and dissatisfied: JEALOUS.
I know that is not a healthy thing to do.. It is not how I want to think... And I am going to stop it.

I am just me. I have great designs and ideas and artistic talent etc. etc. I will 'get out there' (in the public arena??) somehow and soon... some people probably think that I already am.. I guess I am.. just. I'm on the precipice I guess. But I know all the designs and the ideas that have not yet had the chance to see the light of the day -and with a bit more patience, and just continuing to work at my own pace and continue along the path that I am already on, I KNOW that they will be out there soon enough.... and that is quite exciting!

A recap to the title of this entry: 'I didn't do it' - I can now add "yet" to that! Because I know that soon enough I WILL do all the things that I have been wanting to do for so long. I will DO it. I'm getting there! Just you wait and see :)

I think I can, I think I can....actually, I can't be bothered!

Probably I am just having an overtired and down day... But I just feel like I have way too much on my plate - and I just really want to dump most of it off!
Christmas is fast approaching - perhaps that has made it all so much more apparent - that I just have SO little time to do all the things that I want.
Today is my last class with my after-school art kids.. One of the things on my 'to do' list today was to organise the re-enrollment forms for next year... and I just thought: stuff it. Instead I am going to give a letter to the parents explaining why I will not be running the after-school kids' class next year.

Perhaps the year after I will start them up again, when Tilly starts school... Who knows?? But for now, I am having to make adjustments because I am just too busy and not having enough fun. All that I wrote in my previous entry still applies.. But I am putting my own art and design projects up there as number one  priority for A Little Creative (and the limited amount of time I have to myself)... I think I'll do the kindy art classes as this suits days when I have my kids at home too...
Everything in my mind just needs to be toned down a few notches... and ideally anything I choose to do should have a flexible deadline!

Finally putting theory into practise by deciding to: 'live in the now' and 'take baby steps'...

Yes, for a long time perhaps I have known what I "should" be doing - or at least what I "should not" be doing...but my mind kept getting way ahead of my current situation and reality of having two very young and adorable children...

Now I 'think' (HOPE!) that I have finally figured out the right answer to my own endless equation:
X + Y = Z
(where X is ME and my endless creative and business ideas and dreams, Y is my children and family commitments, and Z is something that gives me the right balance and makes me happy and not too stressed!!!)

Yesterday I did my first 'kindy-art' group at A Little Creative. It has been started as a 'trial' group as I wasn't quite sure how it would all go - a lot of unknowns with space, cost , activities etc. that I thought needed to be experimented with... But after the class - I thought: I LOVED IT! - AND it So suits where I am at right now!!!! The target audience suits me.. my daughter could participate in the classes and now I've made space for littler ones to be accommodated to - so hopefully Curtis will be happy with the arrangement if I start to run a few of these classes (as many as possible).

This idea of Kindy-Art has always been there - but financially it fell into the not-worthwhile category and so I kept discarding it as an option... After all, my business goal is to earn some decent money, isn't it??

Yes I have to make ends meet - I have to cover my overheads and earn a (little) bit for my time... but the reality is that my business goal is not to earn lots of money - it's to make me HAPPY - to satisfy me, to challenge me, stimulate me.. and to build up to something bigger in the future.

I am choosing NOT to be a salary earner whilst my kids are still young... and yes, in most cases a business should MAKE MONEY - but to hell with that right now! As long as I can cover my costs and am enjoying myself - then why not?? I have felt under a lot of pressure with my business decisions recently... the 'logical' answer often seems to be to not do a business at all at this stage.. But I just can't let go... because I WANT TO DO THIS!

If I keep my mind simple, and acknowledge what I truly do want:
- to do ART, be CREATIVE and have fun.
- to look after my kids and be there for them at this early age.
- to keep myself sane whilst doing the above.
- to not have stress or to have to 'work' too many hours.
- to do ART with my own kids and also share my creative ideas and enthusiasm with others..
- to have a bit of cash-flow to buy more art materials and 'play'/'experiment' with different art mediums myself.
- etc.

Then this new solution (to focus on doing Kindy-Art predominantly) just seems to make perfect sense - doesn't it??

Dollars and no sense?

 

The recent Qantas turmoil has got me thinking... and at a 'simple' level I can understand both sides of the problem... Yes the unions and the workers have every good reason to be striking... but on the other hand: if the company is unable to remain price-competitive with other airlines then Qantas may not be able to survive as a successful company in the long run... Of course this issue is complex and I won't pretend to know too much about what is going on - but from what I saw on the news last night I am imagining that the future of Qantas is rather stuffed!

But really - aren't CONSUMERS part of the ones to BLAME!!!!????

Sure, we can sit at home and tut-tut Qantas execs for their behaviour - we can be aghast at the thought of Australian employees being underpaid and undervalued - and for an Australian company to want to move the enigineering repairs overseas! - Goodness! -think about the different engineering STANDARDS that may exist (or not exist) in these countries... (my husband is an aero-engineer and what he tells me is pretty-darn scary!)

I just want to remind everyone that AS CONSUMERS WE HAVE SO MUCH POWER AND SAY over world economics and issues - but probably most of us don't really stop to think about it. We don't think that each and every one of us is contributing to these issues by what we choose to buy or not buy.

And I think it is something we SHOULD think about a lot more...

Be honest. What are YOUR consumer standards?? Would you choose to fly on Qantas if their ticket prices were so much dearer than all other airline tickets? Would you be happy to pay MORE knowing that it is an Australian company and that staff are being paid fairly... Yes, it's a good reason to turn AGAINST them - for the current industrial action... but are we as consumers really there for them? - are we being supportive of any Australian company that is doing the 'right' thing and paying more for local labour and goods??

I TRY to have good consumer ethics... I get annoyed at all the 'cheap' foreign goods that are constantly being manufactured and brought into our country... I want to buy locally made and produced goods (especially FOOD), I want to buy LESS of things and not be so wasteful - and buy things that really aren't needed... I do dream of a more 'traditional' lifestyle of hand-made items and local trade - and I believe that I am trying to promote those values through my business and through my own creative actions..

But let's be honest: my actions often fall far short of my own values and standards. At times when it is convenient for me I'll buy the cheap made in China goods... (for example I've recently bought some unnecessary 'junk' for Halloween) - I was planning to make some 'bat' wings for my son... but I ran out of time, and black lycra was really expensive at Spotlight... and at a bargain shop we found a great looking cape made in China for just $3.50 - so I didn't bother to make my own. (Excuses, excuses, excuses!)

One area that I am particularly pedantic about trying to buy Australian made is FOOD. Mainly because I am concerned about the poor hygiene standards that can exist in third would countries. I'm sure it takes me a lot longer at the supermarket to check all the labels of where things are made. And you have to look! Even brands that you think you know and trust often are made in a third world country or from 'local and imported' goods. 

Did you buy any lollies for Halloween?? Did you look to see where they were made?? (Most lollies are manufactured in China)

Let's face it. All companies and manufacturers are having to look towards outsourcing labour or goods to overseas because they are CHEAPER and there is no other way to keep costs down to the level that MASS-CONSUMERS are wanting to spend.

YOU, ME and everyone around us are consumers and when enough of us behave in the same way then we have MASS-CONSUMER power!

I bet you're all aware that Christmas is coming... Have you started your shopping yet?? Have you got a budget set?? Are you planning to hand-make any (or ALL!?) of your gifts?? Or are you just going to go with the flow and BUY lots of perhaps unneccessary items - just to be part of the Christmas-gift-giving-mass-consumer-frenzy??? 

Do your kids really want lots of made in China plastic things?? And if you think they do - is the real reason just because you don't want them to miss out on having what all their friends will have??

I just want everyone to THINK. To start to think, perhaps... or to think again - and try a little harder.

Think about your kids. What sort of world do you want for them?? How do you want them to grow up in this consumerist society?? What sort of JOBS do you want to be available for them in the future??? If we continue to buy cheaper products from overseas - then we're not really investing in their future are we?? 

I know I have room to improve... and I know what I value... I am going to try a lot harder. And perhaps if everyone did, all these problems with Qantas (and so many other companies) wouldn't exist... perhaps even our government would see what people want and stand up and save jobs and industries for the future good of our country.

(Sorry to have a long rant... but I really needed to!)

Dramas behind the scenes at A Little Creative...

oh, so where do I start??

This past year has been quite a roller-coaster for me... I was a woman with an idea and a mission and a lot of determination...

And, yes, VERY little time too as I have a 3 year-old and a 1 year-old... and not to mention no start-up capital for my new business venture! It has felt like climbing Mount Everest for me... many months I have pushed myself quite to the limit - and I have watched dejectedly as I have seen the casualties off to the wayside of my single-minded determined focus... (i.e. the housework and communications with family and friends and sending gifts, acknowledging events etc. have been greatly neglected...) I have kept justifying it to myself... realising that I can't do EVERYTHING - and thinking that a better balance will be just around the corner..

So many times I have felt like giving up... So many tears, so many doubts - a lot of confusion.

Many real 'problems' and 'set-backs' have been encountered and overcome during the past few months... and very frequently I have had to re-evaluate my direction... all SO confusing!

One of the biggest 'problem' areas has been my studio... The small house at the front of our property has had 'opportunity' and 'potential' written all over it... In my mind to be able to use it as MY art studio has been such a dream come true: like being given the keys to a Lamborghini that is parked in your driveway (if you are a car-buff, unlike me).

But imagine if you really couldn't afford to keep that Lamborghini... or you had no spare-time to even drive it, or spare money to put fuel in it... And every time you tried to use it with your gorgeous little kids - they just ended up making a HUGE mess of the inside!... Hmmm..Yes.. A dream perhaps, but not a very functional reality...

So I've come to realise a lot.. I've learnt a LOT of difficult lessons...

I can see that although my ideas are great... the work and effort I've been putting in is highly commendable... The hard reality is that it is just not the right timing for me to be able to DO most of the things that I am dreaming about and desiring... (and could do if I didn't have such young kids!)

I have to be a bit more patient. Slow down. Move at a snail's pace, and take time to enjoy my beautiful young children - and look after myself more, and also indulge in MY OWN ART - without it having to have a business/financial pay off...

Sadly I have to let go of my studio. We are going to lease it out... (which was the original plan when we built our new house, and before I got my 'A Little Creative - business-goggles' on.

I can still do all I was aiming at. I can do small classes from my own home, and larger ones at nearby centres... I can focus on doing school-incursions in the future... and doing a lot of stuff (selling art and materials etc.) just online - on my new fabulous website! ( http://www.alittlecreative.net.au/ ) I am always one whose mind is overflowing with ideas...

But gee, it's been hard for me to let go of the studio... As I start to move all my stuff out - I can at least dream about hopefully setting it back-up again as my studio in a few years' time... I believe in all that I've been doing and know 'A Little Creative' has a bright future ahead.. all my hard work has been setting-up some very good foundations and sorting out the wheat from the chaff in my mind...

As I've commenced moving out of the studio - the latest 'drama' has hit my family with my husband's current work situation... More decisions and changes for us to overcome... but we will get through all the hard stuff I am sure :)

What makes a good mummy? (Or what makes this mummy happy?)

So what makes a good mummy?

How do I dare to even ask that question!? Such a controversial one... I'm not 'fishing for compliments' either... but it is something I am thinking about today... Wondering how I define it...

I think I am a good mummy. I think my kids are awesome and I am doing everything in my power to provide the best for them and be the best for them that I can.... - or am I?..

Don't get me wrong.. I know I'm doing a great job (and what a bloody hard job it is!!) - but after a few days of feeling down... I am wondering if I am perhaps just looking at things slightly wrong.. If I am being limited by my pre-conceived (and perhaps quite unrealistic) ideas about what a good mother "should" do...

I have always struggled with motherhood - right from day one (hence the reason for this blog)... I think physically and externally all that I have done to fulfill my parenting responsibilities has been fine: definately meets the 'criteria' if there is one - and often goes above and beyond, perhaps?... But mentally I have always struggled. I am often not happy - though I try really, really hard to be. I try so hard to find the right 'balance' - to make myself happy -plus also meet my own expectations of myself as a mother... usually somewhere along the line I get burned out and realise that I am not in balance.. I have been doing too much and wearing myself out. So I try to take things a bit slower, I back off, lower my expectations of myself, try to face each day  more simply... perhaps draw up yet another ideal 'schedule' or plan for myself... and before long I have repeated the same 'mistakes' again.

 (This diagram makes me think that I am just complicating everything and not seeing properly what I want - instead get side-tracked...)

I want to work. I have been saying for over three years now that "I am NOT cut out to be a full-time stay at home mum"... But also in my mind (due to my own morals and values?) I refuse to put my children into too much child-care... Two days each a week I can psychologically handle and accept as being okay.. My daughter was in care for 3 days for a term this year when she started 2 days at kindy (not full-days, mind you) - and I felt VERY guilty about that - as the third day tipped me over my 'acceptable threshold'...

Yes, I am critical of mums who put their children into full-time in care.. I don't want to that myself.

But for the first time I'm thinking: "what if?"...

What if I did put my 15 month old (who at this age is the most time-consuming and generally prevents me from doing pretty much everything I want to do and that is practical to do i.e cleaning the house, cooking etc.) into a bit more child-care? Would one or two more days of him in care make much of a difference to ME and how I felt about myself and my life if I could actually DO more of the things that I want to??

How could I ever accept that or live with myself?? - to be honest I don't think I could. I have my head firmly stuck in the 'numbers' of childcare hours/days... Somehow I've drawn an 'acceptable' line in my mind and I can't seem to change that.

Indeed I am a very stubborn person.

I'm just wondering about everything... I wish I could just stop.

A lot of things about my life do make me happy, and a lot of things don't.

I feel as though my life (and my happiness) should be simpler than it currently is... and that the only 'problem' is ME just getting things all a bit wrong somehow..

I know it is just ME and my perception...So many things like this I 'know' intellectually - but just struggle to translate into the reality of my own life. I am trying hard, that's all I know... even if I keep making the same or similar 'mistakes'...

understanding my motivation

More thoughts since my last entry... and a realisation of WHY it is so hard to let go of 'my dreams' of running my own business...

I have spent ages believing that the reasons I was doing all of this was because it was my passion... a desire to work and earn money, etc. etc. I thought it was MY goal for ME... but I realise now that there was more to it than that...

Just over two years ago my husband was diagnosed with MS. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that here... Probably I have, as obviously it has had a huge impact in our lives. So far so good, he is doing quite well health-wise since his two attacks in 2009 which had him in hospital and off work for a few months... but although we hope and pray for the best the reality is that at that the back of our minds we anticipate that Ben's health can deteriorate at any time.

Such intense emotions that my mind has tried to constantly push away.. to keep thinking positively, to always be pragmatic...

I grew up as a hard-working an independent woman. Self-sufficient, is what I always wanted to be. I didn't strive for mega-bucks career wise (heck! - I chose teaching as a profession!) instead I followed passions and interests and always believed that I could earn money for myself...

Becoming a mother changes your finances and independence as an income earner a lot. That's ok. My husband is an aerospace engineer - so his salary alone seemed sufficient to pay our mortgage and living expenses... and I desired to do a bit of work on the side and return to full-time employment perhaps when our children were older. But the bulk of the financial pressures and expectations were on Ben's shoulders as he had the greater income, and I would be the predominantly at-home parent.

Then he became sick. He didn't have any extra income protection insurance...

Yes he's still working full-time now.. though he does struggle with fatigue.. but...what will happen in the future..?

I realise now that my desire to start my own business was largely driven by my desire to have a financial back-up plan.. To try to prove that I CAN earn money - enough money eventually to replace Ben's entire income... And to try and earn it doing something that i want to do. My whole financial future dramatically changed when Ben got sick.

This realisation helps me to just understand myself and WHY I have been a bit like a dog with a bone and so unwilling to face reality that the timing just isn't right for me to be working so hard at my own business.

I can let go of the bone.. it is in mine and my family's best interests for now... And for the future?? Who knows...? But I know that I can and will do whatever it takes to look after my family financially and otherwise - because I have what it takes inside me!

Like a moth to a flame...

Oh, I've been doing it again... Going too hard at it..

(I just re-read my August entry: 'Something new to be proud of" - and that really said it all.. I realised it then that I was working too hard and trying to do too much and that I needed to slow down...

I realised it, and probably did it for a week or two.. then slipped back into my usual 'overloaded' habits.

Lucky for me my monthly-cycle likes to remind me with floods of tears if I am pushing myself too hard and ignoring some important issues...

I recently have had a 'new idea' crop up in my crazy never-seeming-to-be-switched-off-business-brain... And I have become quite excited as I have started to write about it and flesh out the idea... and head towards it in my mind... Yes. I do think it is a FAB idea -and a great direction to head in.. But I HAVE TO FACE REALITY. I have to take things slower. The ideas that I have are generally unachievable at this stage of my parenting life - with the very limited amount of time that I have.

Yes, I can see how I so often behave like a moth continuously attracted to the dangerous flame.. when I get 'burnt' I back-off, only to return so soon again.

I am making the decision to back-off now and keep a much safer distance for quite a while! The new idea is something that I can s-l-o-w-l-y develop and squirrel away at.. as much as part of me would love to run straight towards it at a break-neck (stupid and unsustainable) speed.

I am letting go of my studio space which is a HUGE disappointment for me.. but the only sensible decision to relieve the pressure from myself of having to earn money from my business.

I have to face the fact that 'my business' is going to have to operate at a VERY low-key level... like a 'hobby' really.

It makes me feel sad when I have just launched my website - and the potential to push things seems to be greater and greater.. But I am still me. A mum to a three year old and a one year old who are SO time consuming and deserve my focus and attention more than anything else... And ME! - I deserve some time too! I deserve to have the occasional day when the kids are in care and I can decide to do or not do whatever I want to. The way I have been going there has been no space or time at all for me. Just 'to do' lists and priorities and endless things that I feel behind on.

Stuff it all! This stupid moth is going to back off and stop flying in the direction of that light... I'm going to try to enjoy life right where I am - in mummy land where my main priorities are to cook dinner, wash clothes, clean-up a bit and look after myself and my family. I'm not going to think of those chores with contempt.. I'm not going to think that the light (that I wanted) is the golden-source of happiness and wealth (ha!) No. It's false right now. It is something that I can't have yet, and it is damaging me trying to constantly head towards it.

October already!?

It's been a while since I've written.. and fortunately I've gotten through a lot of my feelings that was I am trying to do is all too much and too hard...
It is bloody hard - and I have lots of ups and downs.. but I realise that things are actually working out extremely well in the directions that I am heading - and I just have to keep going!!!

The Qld school holidays have just finished and I was very busy on them running some children's holiday classes. It was quite a shock to the system really - and I got quite worn out and suffered a lot from lack of time (as usual) - as I never had enough time to prepare for the classes in the way that I wanted to... but that's how it always is I guess. I had lots of bookings and met some awesome kids who all thoroughly enjoyed themselves!! - So good! I'm so proud of myself. And I get such a high out of doing the classes too :)

This week my term classes start - the first one is running tomorrow - and looks like I may start it with seven in the class which is AMAZING!! My goal is to build up to having 2 after-school classes running (and possibly a third), and do the occasional weekend workshop for adults - plus focus on my own art too.. And yep, it seems I am well on the way to achieving that!

This morning I was in the studio on my own doing some t-shirt prints.. and organising the space too.  And at times I couldn't wipe the grin off my face - and would almost have to pinch myself as it just is SO much fun to be in there doing my own designs and having fun!

Hee hee!! I'm a happy girl!! A new idea is in the background too... it is slowly developing, but looks like a good and positive future for A Little Creative :-)

(My own computer has died.. but I will soon get another and aim to be more regular with my blogging - and uploading pics too!)

My visual imagery is not quite reality...

Oh I am SO good at coming up with 'great ideas' - of visualising how I think things should be.. of dreaming up the perfect plan, activity, afternoon with the kids, studio space..., job.. business...

Yet those fabulous things I imagine generally take a heck of a LOT of hard work... and of course never, ever go quite as planned..

In my ideal world I am a teacher, I am an artist, creativity and love and family is all around.
Oh I could go on and on: painting the scene of MY Willy-Wonka type dream that is all about art and paint and a zillion other fun art materials and activities rather than lollies...

I guess it can be -I just have to alter and modify things a little bit... Start DOING rather than THINKING too much.. because there reality does lie... Doing is never quite how you think it will be.

I just dropped my kids at Family Day Care - and spent half an hour in heated discussion with their fabulous carer as we 'complained' and shared our frustration about all the bullsh#t regulations and restrictions and 'learning outcomes' bla - bla bla that exist.. Yes I am a teacher - I've worked in school systems: I know ALL about it -and there is so much I hated... so much so that I left...

There are just So many rules and regulations that make what should be simple things SO darn hard.. I can understand the reasoning behind them.. but the reality is that trying to do anything in life: like look after someone else's kids, teach fun art classes etc. Is pretty much impossible to do - especially if you actually want to earn some money for your effort and time!

It's frustrating and it's sad.

But complaining is going to get me nowhere. Society is as it is - and I DO NOT intend to enter politics to try and change things. I just have to accept what I don't like, and work within the sytems that are in place -despite how flawed I think they may be..

My ideas and dreams are awesome! - I am going to keep dreaming and believing in myself.. and accept that as I do them I am going to encounter many, many problems - but I can keep going and accept the challenge of working around them and through them towards my visions.

It is going to be a long and bumpy path.. But I can do it...

Something new to be proud of :)

I've been having a rough couple of weeks...

The past couple of months I have been FLAT-OUT - throwing any minuscule inkling of spare time towards getting my new business: 'A Little Creative' started. I'd decided we would open in August... we kinda have - I've been working my butt off to get our first classes promoted and running.. classes of mine and two other teachers... Out first sewing ones (last weekend) didn't get the numbers to run... looks like we may get one class running this Saturday a kid's one for father's day...

Yep. so much i have been doing.. definitely heaps to feel proud of.. but do you know what?? That's not what I'm really the most proud of...

I am proud that for once I have made a good realization as I headed off down my oh-so familiar path of running myself into the ground and wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion -all because I really, really want to achieve something that I believe is going to make me happier... Earlier than ever before I have been able to realize that I am making a mistake. I have to slow down. I can't achieve what I am trying to do just yet - not at this pace... and actually I have my priorities (as usual) slightly skewed.

The whole point to starting up 'A Little Creative' is because I am desperate to BE a little creative!! I so want to do my own art. I want an outlet that is creative and intellectual. I LOVE my kids - they are my hugest priority - but I need something else for me!! I have so many great ideas!! I am so talented and smart and creative.. I'm a hard worker.. courageous.. passionate.

Yet, I very often make the mistake of not looking after myself.. chasing a dream and desire that I think is going to make me happier - yet my actions are not making me happy, but I just throw myself at it until I am totally burnt out.. and sink into depression..

Ah yes.. depression.. my old, old friend... The one I try so hard to understand.. but so often don't..

Guess what!? This time I think I have beaten my usual self destructive patterns that lead me to depression - I think I am getting smarter and wiser! and much better at looking after myself!

I may have to stick my tail between my legs for a little while and face a bit of embarressment as i take a quick step back from my business plans... But I really believe that it is for the best.. And for that I am REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

I have big and wonderful plans for 'A Little Creative' - I am going to continue developing a business that represents my passions and interests in art and design - and that suits me and my needs around my family... Though right now, I just need to slow down a little bit - focus on giving myself a bit more love and attention - and let the 'artist' come out, rather than the 'teacher'!

From little things, big things grow…

(This entry was written in 2010)

If my life has a theme-song at the moment – it is the song: “from little things, big things grow..” – I just can’t get it out of my mind for too long, and it is a good thing. It makes me smile whenever I hear it playing in my mind – and also makes me think of my old school principal…

Rewind my life just over three years and I was at a pretty low point… It had been a difficult start to 2007… my only remaining grandparent had undergone a hip operation which had gone wrong and resulted in his leg being amputated, followed by a rapid decline with other health complications, and resulting in a traumatic death. Meanwhile I was in my second year of teaching – and combined with the family stress, the pressure I put on myself to perform at my job, perhaps a few other factors of unhappiness that I was in denial about, and the fact that I had recently come off my anti-depressant medication (as we were wanting to start trying for a family soon) – I managed to reach my breaking point.

For me the worst moment was being unable to do my job. Being unable to keep on a capable, happy mask and use will-power to battle through the sinking hole of depression and walk into a classroom and teach. It was during the first week after mid-semester break… I had been struggling a lot before the holidays but somehow made it there and figured the break would set me back on track.. It didn’t. I managed to finish my first class then broke down in tears in front of the department head – who whisked me off to the principal’s office – (perhaps she took advantage of the opportunity as her and I had never seen eye-to-eye, or perhaps that was the best thing for her to have done?).

So there I sat: a failure, fighting back tears in the principal’s office. My principal was trying to be nice to me. He listened, he talked, he asked questions… I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole… this was the biggest failure moment of my whole life – I just wanted to get the hell out of there! Yes, I would agree to go home and call him in a day or so when I felt better. Yes, the idea of taking 6 months leave sounded good: I had been wanting to travel… Yes, yes, yes… just please stop talking and let me go now!? Then my principal asked me if he could play me a song.. What the!? Yes, yes of course…

He flicked through his CD’s and inserted one by the Black Eyed Peas – and played their track “From little things, big things grow”

We listened in silence. I was having a surreal out-of-body experience, wondering whether my principal was as looney as I was!? – Essentially I wasn’t quite in the right frame of mind to appreciate the meaning of him playing that song to me at the time… Intellectually I could tell the point he was trying to make (yes, indeed I always have been an over-achiever who tends to put herself under a lot of pressure to achieve things.. and obviously, all good things do take time… and part of the reason that I was ‘burnt out’ was because I was trying hard to ‘change the world’ really and had been trying to start up a new environmental program at the school…)

Him playing that song has always remained a strong image in my mind. For a while there I would be able to laugh when I remembered the moment – at how much I just didn’t want to be there – let alone listening to a song! – it just seemed odd and humorous…

Now I feel proud. I feel emotional. I feel like that moment was so significant to my life – yet I just couldn’t see it at the time.. not until now. He was so right. I just couldn’t see it.

When I hear that song in my head now – I think of the two beautiful children that I have given birth to and am working hard to help them grow and survive in this world… Being their mum is such an important and consuming job, everything definitely has to occur at a rather slow pace, but beautiful and wonderful things are the reward… and I think I am doing a pretty good job! Also I think about the significant life changes we have made this past year: selling our first home, moving to Qld., starting new lives and jobs, and now building a house! And finally as I am planning the ins and outs of the new creative business I plan to start next year… I KNOW that it is all happening because of me and all the effort and emotion that I am putting into it. Things are working out really well in our life. Nothing is easy, nothing has come about by accident… Finally though, the seeds that I have been sowing in my life are starting to grow and ‘from little things, big things grow!’ Thank-you Mr Keysers for believing in me, and trying to send me that message. I believe in myself again now too.

Hello again....

Well, it has definately been a long time since I've had the chance to write in here! I have missed it...

Essentially life is darn BUSY and going by fast!

I've had a few hard months where my husband was starting to work from home, and his computer died so he took mine.. so I had no computer access for over two months (aaaahhh!) since then, I haven't spent nearly as much time on the computer... any tiny inkling of time I have has been going towards some great creative use! I've been getting into my silk-screen printing! (!!!!!! Hallelujah - something I have wanted to do for ages!!!) and slowly but surely I am heading towards getting my studio up and running and hope to open the doors to the public in the nearish future (i'm learning not to put dates on things anymore!)

Unfortunately (as usual) I don't have much time to write - but I plan to get back to writing on here more regularly...

To kick things off I'm going to post something I wrote about a year ago "From Little Things, Big Things Grow" but never got around to putting on my blog.. It is still very relevant now - especially as the tiny seeds I have planted are continuing to grow and flourish!

Starting to unpack boxes...

Yay!!! Got into the studio space this weekend and have started to unpack all my stuff....

A bit overwhelming as I have soo much art stuff!!! But exciting none-the-less.

Here is a pic of Tilly being quite entertained painting whilst I unpack and move boxes around her...

And here is how it is looking at this moment...

Countdown to studio set-up!!!

Okay, life is finally settling down somewhat... The year is rolling along, we are feeling at home and relatively unpacked and comfortable in our newly built house... and in only 5 days' time our tenants in the front house will be moving out - leaving it free for us to take over again!! SO EXCITED!

Ben is starting a new job which has him working from home. He will be setting up an office in what was the main bedroom - the rest of the space will be for me to set up as my art studio, and also a mini-shop!!!!

Gee, really can't wait!

For my own art I am SO looking forward to getting back into:
* oil painting (mainly shell inspired/abstract paintings)
* printing - doing more fabric printing using potato prints and simple stamps - and into exploring some silk-screen printing techniques
* shell collages
* plastic/recycled items exploration into products, collages, etc.

CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

I will start doing a few classes every now and then, but ensuring that I don't take too much on and feed my own interests first before catering to other's needs...

I will be able to work things through at my own (slow) pace - and have lots of FUN!!!

Yay! - Stay tuned - soon there will be pics of what is happening :)

The speed of time...

It's true that time is an arbitrary construct that humans have invented... a way of measuring, dividing, analysing, describing.... a way to put the PRESSURE on when you are trying to get somewhere 'on-time' or meet a deadline, etc. etc.

Time does take on a whole new meaning when you have kids.... Suddenly time needs to be mega-flexible!!! Young kids have no clue about time whatsoever - and trying to do things at particular times becomes rather difficult..

Time can go super-fast or super-slow...

I remember when I was a new mum, time would seem to be VERY slow! I felt like I had done so much entertaining: nursery-rhyme singing, playing with toys, clapping hands (not to meantion cleaning, feeding, etc) - and I would look at the clock surprised that it was not yet even 8am!!

Today I have my two children in childcare together for the first time ever... which gives me 5 hours to myself.... And of course it has gone SUPER FAST!!!!!!!! I think I blinked and three hours went by!

I have less than an hour left now - and I am looking around the house in bewilderment: it is messier than usual, there are several chores that I have started but not gotten far into... and that long, lovely list of things I really want to do whenever I get some time for me... I can't even find that!!!

Hmmm... maybe next Friday I will be able to use my time a bit more productively...

Hope so!

Just trying to get out of the house...

ahhhhh...
If you are a mum, you no doubt know what this it all about...

How hard can it be just to get out of the house!??? VERY HARD sometimes... and there is not much that you can do about it but accept it.

This morning I was trying very hard to get me and my two little children out of the house for an early morning walk - the arrangement was to meet at a friend's place at 7:30am.

At 7:20am I cracked it, and decided to call it off! A few irritable 'mummy tantrum' moments which passed quickly when I realised the smartest thing was to just change my plans! (Really the only person who wanted to go for the walk was me - and probably the mum I was trying to meet... the kids didn't want to be rushed about - they were quite content to keep messily eating their breakfast at a supremely slow pace. More than happy to stay home and pull toys out, do poos, whinge a bit and make their usual mess...)

But gee - everything as a mum can be VERY difficult sometimes (most of the time!?) - silly me still has my expectations a bit out of whack most days. Yet when I do let my own frustrations boil up and overflow - I am getting much better at taking a step back from things: realising I am trying to 'control' things too much and accepting what is and just changing my tack to more positive emotions... (The book I am reading: "Buddhism for Mother's is definately helping me a lot!)

Now I am just trying to clean up the house a bit...
Just trying to pack our food bags and clothing bags for our outing out...
Just trying to get everyone clean and well fed...
Just trying to enjoy my kids and be happy and communicate well with them!

I realise that just trying to clean-up my desk or do any of the other 'important' things on my 'to do' list, or anything for ME - will just have to wait!

Learning to ride the waves...

Okay, so my title is quite inspired by the fact that we have recently bought a boat: a 1970s Hobie Cat... We happened upon it by chance Friday night, and bought it the next morning, and took it for a whirl that arvo! - We have no idea what we are doing when it comes to sailing - but gee it is HEAPS of fun!!!! I already love it so much - very excited to have a 'toy' that will probably keep us entertained most weekends!

Anyway, apart from the fun boat... I guess I am learning to 'cruise' along a bit with things this year.

I have had plenty of ups and downs, or stormy weather so far... But I am learning to be kinder to myself, to take into consideration that most of my down moods are greatly influenced by lack of sleep. I am seeing a great counsellor, and feel very optimistic that once and for all I am paying myself the attention that I need and hopefully learning to break some of my bad-habits/patterns that have led me to get burnt out and overwhelmed by life in the past...

It astounds me just how BUSY life is!!!! I am having quite a lot of trouble keeping track of what day and date it is - and when it does go into my head - it is a surprise to acknowledge just how fast the weeks and months are flying past this year!

My darling Curtis is 7 months old tomorrow... Tilly will be turning 3 years old before I know it!

Haven't got much time left to write... But I just want to share that I am sailing along, learning to take things as they come - and especially enjoy my children and all the wonderful things that I have in my life. So many things seem to be working out very well at the moment... I think it is going to be a fabulous year! A lot of learning and a lot of great moments and achievements too!

You don't need to say: "I told you so"

To all the people who have been trying to give me good and reasonable advice over the past few months (or YEARS perhaps!?), you do not have to say those annoying words: "I told you so!"

No, never fear! I am telling it to myself... as I slowly realise that I have been overloading myself and trying to do way too much - instead of just enjoying life more.

All the 'advice' that my family and friends have been giving me have pretty much fallen on stupidly deaf ears... until now!

I hear you! I am listening!! It's going to take a bit of practice for me to slow down and take things a bit easier - but I am trying... and I think I am listening more :)

Thanks everyone for trying to help me - sorry I can be so stubborn.

Can't see the forest for the trees...

I'm feeling good and calm today... after having a major realisation yesterday that I DO NOT HAVE TO WORK to feel like a worthwhile person!!!! (Er duh!)

Seriously, I have struggled severely with my identity as a Stay-at-home-Mum (SAHM). Since the age of 15 I have worked and worked darn hard to always be independent... I have been prepared to take risks too to start up my own businesses - and really feel comfortable that I can earn money whether I am an employee or doing work off my own bat...

I am an ideas person - it is very, very hard for me to shut my brain down.. Every other day I come up with a 'new' business idea or product or invention (many of them quite brilliant! - all of them really quite unachievable at this stage in my life!).. my mind does drive me crazy.. usually I latch onto one of the ideas and try to focus on that..

Now I have realised I don't have to! I don't need to. the best thing I can do is focus what I already am doing!: focus on my family, my kids and being a mother...

I AM working darn bloody hard as a mum of two young children. I am working harder than I have ever worked before - though unfortunately there is no pay-check at the end of the week, and not much external appreciation and recognition (perhaps?)... No really it was the internal recognition that wasn't there! I can't blame anyone else but myself - I didn't fully get it and recognise my own achievements!

I've been so tired and working so hard to do all that a great mum needs to do to look after a 2 year old and a baby, and a husband and a household! - That I have never taken the time to give myself the recognition that I deserve. To value what I am doing, to celebrate myself and realise that what I am doing is pretty good!

It's time for me to look around and really start enjoying this forest that I am walking through. There is so much beauty to see and experience every step of the way - and right now I have the hands of my two beautiful children to hold. I need to enjoy every moment of it whilst I can!

(Yes, I have become a bit teary! But that's okay!)

Many mega and mini mummy meltdowns...

Okay, maybe they are all mega meltdowns at the moment... a mini meltdown is just wishful thinking perhaps!???

Any which way, I have reached a bit of a breaking point this past week... Lots of tears being shed... But don't panic. I do have lots of loving support... I will get there in the end.. I have had worse breakdowns before (I think?) - I think this time I have caught it a little bit earlier on, and I will be able to ask for help and make the changes that need to be made.... I hope!

I am just exhausted. Tired. Disorganised. Disappointed.

And it's NO WONDER!!!!!!

My life has been SO full on! It is such a wonder that I am standing at all really!

About 18 months ago I was pretty much at a breaking point in my life... My first child was just over a year - and I was exhausted, plus feeling a bit disillusioned with my life... fighting with my husband, my depression kicked in again and I was suffering...

Then everything changed: my husband got very sick - and I switched into emergency coping mode. I realised how much I really did love him, all the other 'little' problems were pushed aside... including my 'depression' (Ha! Go figure!?? I don't get it either.. I wasn't faking being 'depressed' - but I kind of didn't have time for it so I pushed it away)...

Ben's illness changed everything severely... for ever I guess. It made us think differently... We quickly re-evaluated our lives and looked at making a change that we had been talking about for quite a while.... Whilst on a 'holiday' in Qld to see my family and let the benefit of the good Qld sun assist Ben whilst he was still on sick-leave - we saw a cute little house in Golden Beach and decided we could buy it! We put in an offer... we still had to sell our house in Parkdale...

Then Ben got sick again - rushed to hospital and eventually diagnosed with MS... Common sense said to let go of our plans to sell our house and move to Qld... yet we decided to go ahead with those stressful plans anyway - because it was what we wanted, despite how hard it would be...

That's what I do a lot. I pick what can seem like quite an impossible goal - something that would be too hard for many people and then I go ahead and try and do it anyway! Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. All the time I put in tremendous effort - and when there are a spare few moments of time I have a bit of a mental breakdown.

I am not too good at looking after myself.... And I guess I need to start learning that. That needs to be my priority NOW.

What a crazy 17 months I have had... Ben got ill - that went on for a few months before finally being diagnosed... we bought a house in Qld, we (I) sold our house in Melbourne... I got pregnant... moved to Qld, morning sickness kicked in so I felt really crap right through the heat of Qld's summer... we lived in a tiny-weeny house for 12 months (yes, the new one that we had bought was an old holiday-shack), we then DESIGNED AND BUILT A NEW HOUSE! (And anyone who has ever done that will know how full-on that is!!!) - oh yes, pregnant with number two mind you!
We actually signed our final contract with our builder and the bank just hours before I gave birth to my son Curtis... After a few days' 'rest' in hospital it was back home to our tiny old shack whilst the back-yard became a construction site!!!

Darling baby Curtis can fortunately sleep through anything!

Now Curtis is 6 months old (as of yesterday) - we moved into our NEW house officially on Christmas Eve... Somehow I decorated our house for Christmas, organised all the Santa stuff for the kids, plus had a family Christmas dinner at our new house... The day after we moved out of our tiny little shack our tenants Donna and Tom moved in..

We have been in our house a month now - and there is still SOOOO much to do!

Two weeks ago I decided to actively try to start my new business: A Little Creative...

I am not sleeping well with Curtis - he wakes minimum twice through the night for feeds.. he will not take a bottle. During the day he is much more active, and needs constant entertainment. My two and 3/4 year old Tilly is VERY full on!

End result: I have realised that now is NOT the time to try and start up my business!!!! (er duh!). I am exhausted, very disappointed, and I'm feeling over all the work there is to do of setting up and getting established in a new house - especially when there is NO SPARE TIME to do anything.. I am feeling quite over being a mother, though I love my kids so much... Hence, many, many meltdowns at the moment.

I need to chill. I need to look after myself... It's something I'm not very good at and I barely know where to start!

I guess from now this blog will perhaps be about that... Me trying to look after myself.. Trying to find something else other than writing about my miserable life to make me happy!
And I KNOW I have SOOO much! I have so many wonderful things to be happy about!!!!

I don't want to be burnt out and over everything!!!! I don't want to cry anymore.

I want to be me. I want to be happy. I'm a mum, and I'm a great one... I need to smile and shine - and somehow swing a bit more self-nurturing my way!

I believe I can do it :) - I'm going to try :) xxxxxoooooo

PS - my business will get started, but when Curtis is a little bit older - and sleeping through the night at least!

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!

Gee, where do I start...?

It is the 'end' (ha! Not really the end... it is never the end!) of another long tiring day with the kids... My husband has come home from work and I have off-loaded them onto him for a half an hour whilst I have a much needed cuppa tea and a few moments WITHOUT THE KIDS!!!!!

Even so - they are all nearby I can hear a bit of chaos going on in the kitchen... hmmm just tune out...

So, sorry... that I am about to whinge and moan and grizzle and grouse... and many people will think what the hell is she going on about... but F*(&$#*($&()&)& - flipping bloody darn friggin hell!!!! Being a stay at home is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard!!

Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes... Any mum who has recently gone through a hard day or a hard moment will no doubt know what I mean... No-one else would.

This is my time to vent!! And it probably won't make much sense.. none of it makes much sense... Really, who in their right mind could imagine that staying home all day and looking after a 2 and 3/4 year old and an almost 6 month old could be so hard... Ha! Maybe some sensible, sane mums do understand it is so hard... But no, not me.. I am obviously nowhere near sane because every day I make the mistake of thinking that it should be a bit easier!

Don't get me wrong. Nothing went disasterously wrong. No-one is injured (apart from me perhaps - as Tilly has quite taken to giving me a few kicks and whacks when she feels like being particularly moody, and little Curtis has a super-strong grip - so everyday I am losing hair at quite a fast little handful rate...), there were no notable disasters (not counting Curtis lying on the nappy change table and taking the opportunity to spray wee as far as possible across the playroom, and me trying to set up the inflatable water slide and realising it is quite a difficult thing to do... especially when the hose is broken..), it was just a 'normal' day... better than normal probably... we even have a couple of successful craft projects to show at the end of the day, and the kitchen is clean - and the rest of the house... not too much worse than it started out...

But OMG I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!! I'M REALLY SORRY TO SAY THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T HANDLE BEING A STAY AT HOME MUM! IT IS SO EXHAUSTING, SO UNREWARDING, SO BRAIN-NUMBING AND HORRENDOUS.

There. I've said it. I hate it. I have tried and tried as hard as I can for 2 and 3/4 years now. I have always known I don't really like it and I would choose to work a couple of days a week if I could... Now I am utterly desperate!! Someone please take my kids off my hands for 5 mins... 10 mins, half an hour, a day, a week!!! Any period of time at all and I will be so, so grateful!!!!!!

I am just exhausted. I am over it. I am depressed that I feel this way too, and of course guilty...

I always seem to do things the hardest way possible... So yeah, in order to try and get back some sanity I am planning to start up my new business this year - and hopefully in the not too far future I will be able to escape from my kids for some periods of time.. I will be able to wave goodbye (or hand them over kicking and screaming) and walk out the door and into my art studio - to either make some products, do some organisation and orders, conduct a workshop.. or something else. Oh how I long for it!!!

But of course, reality check is that right now... starting up my business is a heck of lot of hard work, there is lots to do before I can open the doors of my studio to the public.. and of course start to earn some money... But I am dreaming of it.. and I have started on the journey. I have childcare organised for the next three days (family day care for Tilly tomorrow, then a nanny helping me out the other days)... so no matter how slow my 'business' progress may seem to be - at least it is work! Work that I want to do! Work that uses by brain and my skills, and recognises me as a person, not just a mother.

Because being a mother is the HARDEST job on earth!

I have survived today... probably quite well from anyone's external point of view... but my god it has taken it's toll on my own sanity!

Well, my half an hour is up! I've just drained the last drop of my cuppa tea... I guess I will have to mosey on back into my real life again.. Or maybe I'll just hide for a little bit longer :)

PS. I do love my kids so, so much! Some days are absolutely great! Many moments of today were great too... I want to escape a little bit from my children, but I also do not want to work full-time either. I am trying very hard to find the 'right' balance for all of us.